Before our daughter was born, my partner and I had an awesome sex life. I was skinny and wore lingerie. He was energetic and attentive. Now that we’re parents, we’re pretty much like roommates who share a bed unless one of us is snoring. I know it’s typical to have a dry spell during the little kid years, but I’m ready to put out an APB for my mojo.
1. I’m Crazy Tired
I never get enough sleep, and I always go to bed feeling like I just ran a marathon, only without the sense of accomplishment. And knowing I’ll have to rise at 6 a.m. the next morning is a real cock-a-doodle-don’t.
RELATED: The Real Deal on New Parent Sex
2. We Flirt Less
We used to send each other saucy texts, like, “What are you wearing?” Now I write, “The deposit is due for preschool,” and he texts, “Did she take a nap today?” We’re so busy being responsible grown-ups that we forget how much fun it was to act like love-struck teens.
3. I’m Feeling Frumpy
Pre-baby I wore makeup, dressed cute (easy when I had a waistline), and spent an obscene amount on my hair and nails. Now I’m the pajama queen, and all my splurges are on organic produce. I’m a prime candidate for a TV makeover show. Tell a friend.
4. I’m All Cuddled Out
When I was nursing, my body belonged to my daughter. I had my sore/leaky/tired boobs cordoned off with a velvet rope—tiny VIPs only. Even though my kid weaned and eats cheeseburgers now, I still do plenty of carrying, cuddling, boo-boo kissing and occasional co-sleeping. By the end of the day, my body is usually looking for some space.
I’m trying to remember whether I ran the dishwasher.
5. Me-Time Is for Me
If I have a rare 20 minutes to myself, I can think of a dozen things that would take precedence over sex; like reading magazines, taking a bath or eating a cookie. Obviously, none of these activities holds a candle to good lovin’, but they’re instantly gratifying and require little effort or cleanup.
6. My Head’s Not in the Game
Like any mom, my to-do list is never-ending, and somehow it’s also much louder than my libido. Instead of concentrating on his kisses, I’m trying to remember whether I ran the dishwasher and where I put the phone number for the pediatric dentist. If I could find a way to talk dirty about chores, I might be able to kill two birds with one stone.
7. The Very Real Risk of Coitus Interruptus
You know what I’m talking about: Just when you’re “close,” the baby starts wailing. Or the toddler barges in. Or the newly licensed teenager hits the garage with the car. Kids are such cockblocks, right? Our child is sleeping through the night but often wakes shrieking from a bad dream. It’s hard to lose myself in the moment when I know how quickly the moment could be over.
8. I’m Stressed
He’ll shoot me that cute, “Want to?” look and I’ll be like, “I can’t right now, I’m busy panicking about child predators.” Becoming a mom has turned me into such a worrywart. I even worry about the consequences of us not having enough sex, but I’m too anxious to do anything about it.
9. Our Bedroom Is More Like a Rec Room
Experts say the bedroom should be reserved for sex and sleep only. Tell that to the piles of laundry, stacks of board books and noisy toys that moved in once our daughter arrived. What’s worse is that all our old sex props—scented candles, groovy music, massage oil—somehow got lost in the shuffle. During a recent attempt, the best we were able to muster was the R&B cable TV station, and it was distractingly cheesy.
RELATED: How Kids Ruin Vacation Sex
10. We’re Trying to Make Another Baby
When we do have sex, it’s often because I’m ovulating. Sex on-demand can be pretty good the first night (oh, sex, I remember you, I like you) but by the third at-bat, we’re both complaining we have a headache. The irony is that if I do get pregnant, it’s going to be even longer before our sex life gets back on track. You can see why my mojo ran away from home.