This is a problem my husband and I have been facing. How do we have sex during the day? By bedtime we are too exhausted, and he tends to go to bed a little later than me. In the morning we are groggy, our breath stinks and there's this small person in our life who demands immediate attention at unpredictable times.
Daytime is our only option, it seems. With my husband working out of the home, that leaves weekends. We take advantage of her weekend naps, but it makes the week last forever and by Friday we are bickering and unappreciative.
How do we fit more nookie in our life?
—A horny reader
You've already skipped ahead to "sex during the day" as your last resort, but you don’t have to.
When my second child was a baby I went to a local mothers' group to hear a woman speak about being a more organized mom. She was a generation older than the attendees, and shared her advice about running a family and getting the most out of your home life. The tip she stressed the most was that you should change into a nicer outfit and put on a little bit of makeup so that you would be fresh and pretty when your husband got home from work. I laughed out loud. She was joking, right?
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She wasn't. I looked around the room, aghast. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I searched the faces of my fellow young moms looking for similar reactions and saw only that they were all entranced by the speaker, as if she were sharing the golden secrets of a happy marriage.
It took a long time for me to realize that she was right. Yes, as moms we are exhausted and need a break, but the whole point of all of this—of partnering up with someone we love and making a family—is to give of ourselves. We have opportunities to do that in a million little ways every single day. The fresh-faced housewife trick is really just a symbol for something simple that might feel like a pain in the ass, but it makes your partner happy, so why not take the initiative and just do it?
Since your marriage is the most important thing you can nurture in your family, you have to take care of it even though you are both exhausted and you have different schedules. If more sex is the thing you need, you have to find a version of the fresh-faced housewife trick that applies to you.
Want to get his attention? Go to bed naked. Works every time.
Never mind the servicing of your husband for a moment. What's in it for you, besides crossing "have sex with husband" off the to-do list? Think about how you feel after you've had an orgasm. Amazing, right? Rejuvenated, reconnected, re-super-in-love with your husband. Focus on those feelings and make them your goal, so you will look forward to sex in the same way that you look forward to collapsing into bed with a good book and a sleeve of Oreos at the end of a long day.
You can have more sex with just a little bit of effort, and yes, you'll have to take the initiative. Get your nookie in the morning—get up before your husband does and brush your teeth. You can make this a team effort by getting him to brush his teeth, too. No need for you to suffer. If he knows that simply brushing his teeth is going to get him laid, he's sure to spring out of bed and comply.
You can also try to stay up a little later in the evenings, but I know that is easier said than done with little kids around. Better yet, get your husband to come to bed earlier. What the heck is keeping him up so late? I'm pretty sure your offer of a roll in the hay will be more attractive to him than the latest episode of Breaking Bad. Want to get his attention? Go to bed naked. Works every time.
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Don't put too much pressure on yourselves—it doesn't have to happen every day, and it doesn't always have to be the sex Olympics. Sometimes a quickie is all you need to get through the week. When you can sense that your marriage needs "maintenance," push through your exhaustion by keeping your eye on the prize. Remember the orgasm! It feels good now, and keeps you and your husband happy for later.
Another dry period is inevitable—it happens to everyone. With a young child in the home, your schedule just might not allow for you to be a superwoman. The fact that you even sent in this question shows that you prioritize your marriage. If you hold on to that idea, you'll have a happy family indeed.