Am I Ruining My Kid?

I’m disgusted, I think. According the New York Post, a few uber-wealthy Manhattan moms have found a way to cut the lines (and their children’s wait time) at Disney World by hiring handicapped docents to pose as family members. With a handicapped “family member” in tow, the super rich (super savvy? or just plain super creepy?) moms cut their family’s wait time on rides down to basically none at all.

I can’t tell if I’m appalled, or jealous I didn’t think of it first.

Kobe Bryant’s mom is cleaning house. Literally. Pamela Bryant, Kobe’s mom, is in a bitter fight (lawsuits included) with her NBA star son over half a million dollars worth of memorabilia Pamela wants to sell. In a bitter case of “He said, mom said,” Pamela claims the stuff is hers, including Kobe’s high school jerseys, trophies and championship rings. And Kobe claims that his mom (gasp!) stole the goods from him and has no right to sell them.

Now, before you go thinking that Pamela probably needs the money because her stingy son won’t share any of his (zillions) with her, cool it. This simply isn’t true. Kobe has seemingly been very generous with his parents, despite a notoriously strained relationship.

And what if Kobe hadn’t been generous? What if the memorabilia in question is hers to sell? Should she? Isn’t it enough to see your own kid succeed in the big leagues—literally? Is it a mom’s right to profit from it, too?

Bad news for parents who like to shower: plopping kids in front of the TV, computer or video games may put them at greater risk for heart disease. The good news? There's a work-around, especially if your showers don't last for hours.

A study out of Canada found that kids who sat in front of screens more than the recommended two-hour limit consumed more calories in the day than kids who were just as inactive but not in front of a screen.

Welcome to this week's 7 Parenting Mistakes where Andrea (maybe) gives her daughter (and herself) a concussion! Read on.

We all hope we’re doing it right, but in the back of our minds we know we’re just doing our best and winging it as we go. Sure we might read books to help us improve our parenting skills, but whether or not we actually take the advice is another question. Because hey, even the experts can turn out to be wrong years later. And that's how we do things we just might wish we hadn’t. Like these seven things I did this week:

They're everywhere. You can find them in every race, every age and every city. Long after our encounters with them we remember how they impacted our lives.

Bullies. It's not just a schoolyard label, but that is where it begins. How can we as parents make the world a better place, free of those who criticize, antagonize and harm others physically and emotionally? It’s not an easy task, but we can begin by understanding why bullies become bullies and then offer our children the antidote to this cruel mentality.

The time-out has become a staple in the modern parenting toolbox. It's a safe way to discipline a child that has replaced old-school spanking. But the time-out is still a practice that is up for debate. Dr. Laura Markham of Aha Parenting writes, "It’s true that time-outs are infinitely better than hitting, and yelling. But time-outs teach the wrong lessons, and they don’t work to create better behaved children. In fact, they always worsen kids' behavior."

According to The Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics, however, time-outs work, and have "been shown to increase compliance with parental expectations from 25% to 80%."

But what do kids think of time-outs? I asked my 7-year-old daughter about the practice to see what she thought of this debatable parenting tool. However, I have to start this with a humble brag: we didn't have to utilize the time-out very often with our kid. Our 7-year-old daughter has always been eager to please and does not want to disappoint. Plus she saw plenty of her friends suffer the consequences of their negative actions and didn't want to be forced into the same punishment.

Here is her take:

Welcome to another edition of 7 Parenting Mistakes I Made This Week. Let's hear from mom to toddler, and mom-to-be, Lyz Lenz! It's been a rough week in the Lenz household. Maybe you can relate?

We're continuing to purge our rough parenting moments here at mom.me in hopes that we all can understand that no one is perfect, especially not us. In the spirit of sharing, and empathizing, and hopefully not too much judging, we're letting it all hang out. For our next installment of "7 Parenting Mistakes I Made This Week," meet Monique Ruffin, mom to Zion.

Before I was a parent, I had a lot of lofty ideas about how I was going to mother. One of my longest-held beliefs about myself was that I would never try to control my daughter’s wardrobe. I was determined not to be a mother who demanded her daughter have perfectly symmetrical bows in her hair to match her perfect little outfits. Nope. I was going to let her express her creativity and individuality however she wished. I was determined not to turn her wardrobe choices into a battleground for our relationship.

Then I had a daughter. A real live daughter with taste of her own. This daughter of mine has taste that I would describe as running somewhere between a homeless woman off her meds and MC Hammer circa 1988.

We're introducing a series here at mom.me called "7 Parenting Mistakes I Made This Week." Our intrepid bloggers are being brutally honest, and allowing us to laugh, or cry, along with what went down in parenting this week. Enjoy!

Last week was spring break at our house, which apparently means it's also a break for every single rule. Here's where I messed it up, in a big way.

As part of my baby daughter's nightly bedtime routine, I sing her a lullaby right before I place her in her crib to sleep. It's a sweet time, me singing to my baby while I rock her gently in my arms. It makes me feel like a real, legit mother. It's one of those scenes that is always included in the "Where did the time go?" montage that plays when the mom sends her daughter off to college. That scene, along with the learning to ride a bike, and coming down the stairs in her prom dress, is a must for the mom montage. I love to sing to my daughter while we sit or sway in the dark of her nursery. Sometimes I even whisper-sing the song to make the moment more tender (eat your heart out, Anne Hathaway).

I have my favorite modern songs I like to sing to my baby, but sometimes I like to take it old school and sing some traditional lullabies. The other night as I was crooning "Rock-a-Bye Baby" in my lullaby smile-voice to my daughter, I stopped to ponder how awful the lyrics are. That got me thinking of other lullabies and their lyrics, and I decided that despite whatever political or social statements they may have been trying to make at the time they were created, traditional lullabies are pretty wack. Check these out.

It was a nice warm day in South Florida a few years ago. I was napping on the couch while my sons played nearby. I woke up, stretched and called out to my then-10-year-old son to pass me my laptop so that I could check my email. He was using it to play random games, or so I thought.

When I made my request, he turned toward me and paused for a second. I raised my eyebrow inquisitively as he rose to hand me the laptop. When I looked at the screen my face went blank, as images of naked women in various sexual positions blinded me. His younger brother stood nearby like a statute watching the events unfold.

As my 10-year-old was leaving for school this morning, I noticed he hadn't made his bed. I called out, "Um, is there something you forgot to do in your room?" in the annoying way the mom in a cereal commercial would have said it, probably while folding her arms in front of her. He scampered upstairs and made his bed. Don't worry, I didn't stay in cereal-mom character and high-five him as he came back down the stairs, but I did feel like I taught him the importance of creating good habits. Later that morning when I returned to my bedroom, I noticed that we had forgotten to make our bed. Looks like Bossy Pants needs to slow her roll. Then I started to think of other things I often preach and need to practice, myself.

Even though divorce can be traumatic for couples, teens often struggle, too, with the shift in family dynamics. “Divorce shakes up a child or teen’s world, leaving them feeling uprooted, anxious, depressed, guilty and angry,” says Dr. Carole Lieberman, Beverly Hills, Calif.-based author and psychiatrist. Recognize the common problems teenagers face during a divorce to help them cope and heal in a healthy environment.

Relationship Obstacles

Children of divorced parents may experience challenges within their future relationships if they're unable to work through feelings of anger and betrayal after. The divorce can cause problems with intimacy when children of divorce become old enough to date, says Lieberman. “They're afraid of being in a committed relationship because they have seen the price of love and the pain it has caused their parents,” she says.

RELATED: Co-Parenting After a Divorce

Embarrassment

Even though it's more common and accepted for children to be raised by divorced parents, teens may still face embarrassment socially, says Melody Brooke, family therapist in Richardson, Texas. “Because so many of their friends’ parents are divorced, kids whose parents are still together often have part of their identity associated with the idea that their parents did not divorce,” she says. “When suddenly, it happens, they feel betrayed and confused about who they are, something that is difficult in the teen years anyway.”

Torn Between Parents

Divorce in and of itself can be overwhelming for the entire family, but when bitterness and anger consume both parents, teenagers often feel torn between the two. “When one parent decides to keep the other parent from being a full-time parent, then the kids suffer,” says Brooke. “Vindictive or self-righteous parents often believe that if they've been wronged by their spouse, then they have a right to act in whatever angry way they want, no matter the cost.”

Your teens are experiencing a loss as a result of the divorce. To help them cope, Brooke recommends 50/50 custody and conservatorship because it's in the best interest of the child. “Anything less creates a loss that is traumatic for the child, at any age,” she says.

RELATED: People You Need on Your Side in a Divorce

Anxiety

For most teens, life is dramatic and chaotic, even without the stress of a parent’s divorce. Balancing school, part-time jobs, sports activities and a social life can leave teens feeling as if they're riding an emotional roller coaster. When divorce is thrown into the mix, the stress of going back and forth between two houses and adjusting to different rules between two households can cause anxiety for your teen. “The changes are very anxiety-provoking for a teen,” says Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills, Calif.-based psychotherapist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond with Your Child.”

In addition, if parents have different academic or behavioral expectations, it can create problems for teens learning self-discipline, good study habits, responsibility and dependability, says Walfish. “This is one of the reasons why parents need to agree on a mutual parenting strategy and implementation,” she says.

Finally, if your teen begins to exhibit signs of anxiety or depression, it’s important to enlist the help of a professional to help him cope with these life changes.

Even though you and your ex-spouse are no longer living together, your primary job as parents is to provide your children with the stability they crave. Divorce can disrupt the lives of the entire family; however, with careful planning and co-parenting efforts, you and your former spouse can make the transition smooth for your children.

Structure and Routine

As children adjust to the emotional changes within your family, it’s important to maintain consistency with structure and routine in the household. It’s especially crucial that parents keep structure and routine the same in both homes, says Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills-based psychotherapist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond with Your Child.” Maintain the same bedtime, mealtimes, wake-up time, homework schedule and extra-curricular activities. “The more stable your child’s life and routine is," says Walfish, "the less separation anxiety he will suffer."

RELATED: What Not to Say to a Divorced Mom

Rules and Expectations

At any age, a child will be confused when rules differ from one household to the next. If Mom allows late-night video games yet Dad does not, children may express feelings of frustration and anger when Mom says yes and Dad says no to privileges. Keep the rules, expectations and consequences the same in both homes. “When parents are able to do this effectively, we see a reduction of acting out, angry behavior and emotional problems with children of divorced parents -- especially teens,” says Walfish.

School

The changes that occur as a result of divorce can make it difficult for your child to adjust, cope and heal. It’s important that your child has consistency when it comes to her educational environment. Walfish recommends that parents, if possible, avoid moving out of their child’s school district once divorced. “To lose the continuity of the same friends, teachers, campus and overall school environment could be even more traumatic for your child, who must adjust to the divorce shakeup,” she says.

RELATED: Co-Parenting After a Divorce

Family Relationships

A divorce not only affects your immediate family’s relationships, but also the extended family. Children may be concerned about whether or not they will see Aunt Vicki or Uncle Bob as much as they used to when their parents were married. Nurture, nourish and facilitate ongoing relationships for your child with extended family members, suggests Walfish. “When parents divorce, sometimes kids lose their cousins, aunts, and uncles on one or both sides of the family,” she says. “The more people who love and care about your kids, the less painful the divorce will be – allow your child to be loved by many people.”

It’s tempting to scold your child for forgetting to say please or thank you, but many parents don’t realize that their children may not have learned considerate behaviors yet. If not, it’s time to give them the opportunity to show off their sweet and caring sides to family and friends. “Providing opportunities for children to learn considerate play are integral to kids learning these behaviors,” says Melody Brooke, family therapist in Richardson, Texas. By modeling considerate behavior and showing your child how to empathize with others, you will be molding his character for the future.

Model Behavior

Your child learns considerate behavior from her most prominent role model – YOU! As her parent, she looks up to you and observes your behavior on a regular basis. “Recognize that children mimic the behavior they witness,” says Brooke. “If you are considerate to others and especially, to them, then they will learn that this is how you treat other people.”

So, jump in and lend a hand when you see people in need and you can bet that your child will learn to do the same.

RELATED: My Kids Are Too Honest for Their Own Good

Encourage Cooperative Play

Children have the opportunity to exhibit considerate behavior in a variety of social situations. From the school lunch table to the jungle gym at the playground, he is immersed in group play that begs for considerate behavior. Take advantage of these opportunities by inviting friends over to participate in a group activity, such as baking cookies together or playing games, suggests Brooke. “While they are playing, encourage considerate behaviors by commenting on those behaviors in the children,” she says. “Phrases such as ‘Gee, that was really nice of you to give Billy a do-over’ will reinforce considerate behaviors during play.”

Read Body Language

Your child or teen may often hear you say, “It’s not what you said, but how you said it.” Use these opportunities to teach your child to read the body language of others to be more considerate. When in public places, ask your child to observe others and tell you if he knows how a person is feeling. A frown could indicate that someone could use a special smile from your child or a sharp tone could indicate that someone else is frustrated. Show your child that body language is an opportunity to offer a person the support he needs. This may also help them foster stronger friendships in the future. “Children who are considerate of others end up with more friends and a better social life, facing less social stress than peers,” says Brooke.

RELATED: Teaching Children to Apologize

Teach Empathy

For your children to demonstrate considerate behavior, it’s helpful for them to understand the struggles of others. Ingrid Kellaghan, founder of Cambridge Nanny Group in Chicago, says that for a child to be compassionate and considerate, he must first be taught empathy. “According to the National Association for the Development of Young Children, modeling empathetic behavior and pointing out situations that call for empathy, parents can facilitate sympathetic responses in their kids,” she says. “For example, if you and your child see someone who is hurt or sad in real life, on television or a book, talk with your child about how that person must feel.”

Ever wonder why some children throw in the towel as soon as things get tough while others get right back on the horse and try again? The fear of failure can stifle one child’s progress while motivating another.

“Failure is an opportunity for a child to build their resilience muscles,” says Ingrid Kellaghan, founder of Cambridge Nanny Group in Chicago. Learning to deal with failure, rejection and challenging situations shapes a child’s personality and opportunity for growth. As his parent, you have the power to teach him how to get back on the horse and continue to ride along on this important journey.

Share Your Failures

When faced with failure, it’s important that your child can look to you as an example and role model. Let your child observe you experiencing success and failures, according to Kellaghan. “Children may experience sadness, guilt, shame and a host of other emotions, but learning to process those feelings are critical to handling life’s setbacks,” says Kellaghan. Share your challenges, triumphs and your own setbacks so that your children can see how you have conquered fear and failure.

RELATED: Teaching Children to Apologize

Analyze Opportunities

Teach your children to view failure as an opportunity for success. “Failure is an opportunity to learn,” says Melody Brooke, a family therapist in Richardson, Texas. “If we analyze what happened, look at the opportunities for growth and self improvement, then our children will learn to respond that way as well.”

Take your own failures and show your children what you learned from the experience to teach them the upside of failing at a task once in awhile. Simply reinforce that weaknesses are just strengths in training.

Reinforce Support

It doesn’t always feel good to fail a test, miss the game-winning goal at a soccer game or lose a physical challenge at school. When down in the dumps about failure, show your children that they have support at home. “When a child does poorly on a test or strikes out in baseball, it’s important not to shame him or belittle him for not doing as well as we think he can and should,” says Brooke. “Instead, ask him how he feels about it and what he could do differently next time.” Reinforce that you love and accept him and that you know he has the potential to do better in the future.

RELATED: Teaching Your Children Not to Argue

Let Them Fail

As difficult as it may be to witness, parents need to allow their children to fail at times. “Parents who protect their children from failure set their child up for a lifetime of disappointment and depression,” says Brooke. “The only way to not make mistakes or risk failure is to do nothing, which is, of course, a mistake and a failure in and of itself.”

Failure is how a child learns and develops confidence, according to Brooke. Encourage this learning and self-confidence development by responding positively to the failures. “If a child learns to respond well to failure, she will succeed in most anything she attempts,” says Brooke.

It was so much simpler when we were growing up.

Marijuana was illegal, so it must be bad for you. If you grew it, bought it or sold it—or even just smoked one toke—you were breaking the law.

On this front, at least, our parents had it easy.

Today, the picture is more muddled. In last November’s elections, voters in Colorado and the state of Washington approved the legalization of marijuana for recreational use in adults age 21 and older. Out where I live, in California, the drug is all-but-legalized thanks to a 1996 referendum that approved the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Sales from California dispensaries are roughly $1 billion annually, according the Board of Equalization, the state’s tax administrator. And these states are not alone—pot is now legal for medicinal or limited personal use in 18 states across the nation.

Of course, it’s still illegal under federal law. But, “We’ve got bigger fish to fry,” President Obama said in a December interview with ABC News.

Whatever happened to "Just say no"?

Wonderful news for adult potheads in Denver, for instance, but not so much for parents of teens, who now may feel they are left with more questions than answers. Should we now put pot in the same intoxication category as beer? And whatever happened to “Just say no”?

Well, to start with, pot may be legal in some places, at some times, but that does not mean it’s A-OK for your teenager. Consider this: One in 11 adult users will become addicted to marijuana, but for those who start in their teens, the ratio drops to one in 6. And the younger the user, the greater the risk.

“A 14-year-old smoking weed can be very different than a 16-year-old smoking weed,” says Douglas Rosen, director of youth and family outreach for Beit T’Shuvah, a nonprofit addiction treatment center in Los Angeles. “The likelihood of addiction increases dramatically the younger somebody is.”

And marijuana use among teens is on the rise, with 6.5 percent of high school seniors smoking pot daily, up from 5.1 percent five years ago, according to the 2012 Monitoring the Future survey conducted by researchers at the University of Michigan, under a grant from the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), part of the National Institutes of Health.

More than one-fifth of the seniors had smoked pot in the month prior to the survey, and more than one-third had tried it sometime in the last year. By comparison, 17 percent of 10th graders and 6.5 percent of 8th graders reported use in the past month, and 28 percent of 10th graders and more than 11 percent of 8th graders reported use in the past year.

RELATED: 6 Ways to Stop Teen Drinking

Also worth noting—only 20.6 percent of seniors see occasional use as harmful (the lowest since 1983), and 44 percent see regular use as harmful (the lowest percentage since 1979).

And the increasing acceptance of marijuana legalization makes teens ever more casual about the drug, says Rosen.

“Kids believe that it’s not that dangerous because it’s legalized to some extent,” he says.

In fact, he says, the opposite is true. Today’s dispensaries sell pot with up to 24 percent tetrahydrocannibol, or THC, the ingredient most responsible for the drug’s psychological effects, Rosen says. That’s up to six times the potency of what it was 40 years ago.

“The legalization of pot has given manufacturers more opportunities to make it stronger and more potent,” Rosen says. “Kids don’t believe it’s more dangerous, and it is more dangerous because of the legalization.”

Increased levels of THC can make users more vulnerable to panic attacks, says Dr. Mark Kleiman, professor of public policy at UCLA and a co-author of Marijuana Legalization: What Everyone Needs to Know. It also increases the risk of addiction, Rosen says.

The legalization of pot has given manufacturers more opportunities to make it stronger and more potent.

But marijuana addiction does not look as destructive as alcoholism or a heroin habit, and so the message that pot is harmful can be hard to convey to kids.

“It’s really easy to show pictures of meth addicts with their teeth falling out,” says Susan Weiss, NIDA’s associate director for scientific affairs. “With marijuana, the effects are more subtle. They’re not destroying their life, but they are compromising it.”

Weiss cited a 38-year NIH study showing that people who use cannabis heavily in their teens and continue through adulthood suffer an average 8-point drop in IQ.

“And even those who had stopped using recently did not see that much recovery,” she said. “There was permanent change” in their brains.

So talk to your teen, Weiss advises. Just like you tell her to eat well so she can keep her body healthy, “one of the things we want to drum into kids is to keep your brain healthy,” Weiss says.

Of course, some people can use pot for years and be fine, but others are more vulnerable, she says. And you won’t know which one you are until it's too late.

“This is not a harmless drug,” Weiss says.

Cursing is my bliss. It is my vice and my bliss. I get a sensational amount of joy, not just satisfaction but joy, from dropping the f-bomb.

Having four young daughters has proven to be a bit problematic for my foul word fondness. To keep my penchant for swearing in check, I decided the only way to avoid slipping a four-letter word into my conversation was to go cold turkey. I stopped cussing completely while pregnant with my first child. Once she was born, I was able to maintain and hold at bay the curse words that surged through my psyche.