Ask the Expert

Dear Frenchie,

All of my friends' children are swimming in stuff, and I know their parents are conflicted about it. I think having too many toys is really not great for children, and also I am cheap. What do I do when I'm invited to a toddler party? I don't want to be the stingy aunt, but even bringing a book starts to feel excessive when the kid could practically open a public library in his bedroom. I deeply love both the toddler in question and his parents, and I'm the first to drop everything in a babysitting crisis.

Best,

Crabby Childless Aunt

P.S. I'm not crafty, so please don't ask me to make anything.

Dear Catherine,

This isn't a question about child-raising, per se, but it is about children at adult functions. It's wedding season, and we have happily been invited to two different weddings this summer. While we're absolutely thrilled to celebrate both unions, one of them did not have the "You + Family" address. We're not dense enough to know that they just forgot we had kids. We know the kids are not on the guest list.

Since this wedding is out of town, and we don't know any babysitters in the Scottsdale area, what are we supposed to do? Not go? I'm going to bank on your answer and just tell my friends that I'm doing what "the French do" if that's OK. Please tell me.

Signed,

Wedding Crashers

Dear Catherine,

My son is a bright, energetic 5-year-old who has trouble sitting still. In other words, he's a 5-year-old boy. There are a lot of little boys (and of course, some girls) like this in his Pre-K class, and naturally the classroom can be chaotic. Or at least it has been during drop-off and pick-up. Over the past year I've realized that a lot of the kids in my son's class have been sent to occupational therapy for various issues. Some kids go once a week! It wasn't until a teacher recommended that maybe my little guy could benefit from a meeting with the occupational therapist that I thought this was strange. Sure, my son might be a little too unfocused, but I don't remember anyone of our generation being "evaluated" before we even hit kindergarten. Is the school overreacting? Or am I under-reacting?

–Mom of Captain Energy

Dear Catherine,

What would the French say to parents and teachers about the recent tragic events in Boston? I am a teacher and, unfortunately, many of my students have been allowed to see some of the photos and videos and want to talk about it.

Thanks for your wonderful articles,

Tongue-tied Teacher

Dear Catherine,

My son is in 2nd grade and while he hasn't been overly curious about his body, sex and the like, every now and then he does ask us a question. For example, we answered the "Where do babies come from?" question about a year ago. Coming from a household where my own parents pretended puberty did not exist, I'm kind of clueless about when we start filling in the kiddo about his changing body. How do the French do it? And are they doing it right? They're doing it right, aren't they?

Signed,

Stumped About Sex

Dear Catherine,

I realize I risk sounding like a total helicopter parent by asking this, but how can I encourage my kids without setting up unrealistic expectations? For example, my 1st grader is convinced she's going to be a Disney Jr. television star. Sure, I want her to sing, dance, and maybe even tell a corny joke or two. And I want to clap and laugh and tell her how amazing she is. But it's not as funny when she says, "So how old do I have to be to go on an audition so I can be on TV?"

Listen, we all know there are prodigies, but I'm not seeing it. I have a normal enthusiastic kid who thinks just because she wants to do something epic, she can. I love her confidence, but I'm not willing to hustle around to auditions and try to get her an agent, disrupting our entire family in the process. More importantly, I don't know how to diplomatically explain the term "long shot" without crushing her artistic spirit. Surely the French have a better way of dealing with precocious kids, right?

Signed,

Dream Crusher

"Mommy, why are those people crying?" asked my 7-year-old daughter as she entered the room while I was watching coverage of the bombings at the Boston Marathon. She had been in the back of the house playing, and I didn't hear her creep into the room. I panicked. I didn't know what to say or to do. I had made a conscious decision to keep her life—for now—uninterrupted by tragedy, at least while I can. Yes, I'm sheltering her from the evils of the world, but isn't that my job as a mom?

As she stared at the screen, trying to make sense of what happened, I was struck by the nagging feeling of being on the proverbial fence. Do I tell her what happened? Or do I just switch the channel to Phineas and Ferb as quickly as possible?

A mom wrote me recently, concerned that her 15-year-old son was pulling away from her, especially in terms of being affectionate and letting her do things for him. This is a common occurrence in the lives of parents and kids. This mother wondered, “How do you provide that same sense of security to your children as they start to break away from you?” My response offered words of comfort and advice that might prove helpful if you’re experiencing something similar.

It’s Totally Normal

This is what teenagers do. What they’re supposed to do. They pull away so they can figure out who they are without you. Your child is becoming himself, which is what you want.

This Is an Important Step Toward Self-Exploration

Your son is creating new attachments to his peers that allow him to become ready to be a "we" with someone else in the future. This shift in attachment—he’s still attached to you, but in a different way—allows him to take the secure base he has in his relationship with you, and use it as a launching pad to explore who he is apart from his family and in the context of his peers. This process is a crucial stage in his identity formation.

RELATED: How to Parent Boys

Find Ways to Connect, Physically

It’s still possible to be physically close with your son. Take his cues and respect his journey into adulthood while still letting him know how much you love him. At times this may mean a simple pat on the back or the head, or an arm around his shoulder. But even if it's a bit uncomfortable, try to keep hugging him when you can—even if it’s the dreaded “side hug” that can feel so awkward.

As much as possible, keep up the affection and the connection. You might even see whether he'd be willing to let you sit in bed next to him to read to him or have him read to you. If not, get the laptop and watch some funny YouTube videos together. You have to sit super close so you can both see the screen, and the laughter can create a shared moment of togetherness.

Be Thoughtful While Also Observing Boundaries

Don’t be corny, but come up with gestures that show him thoughtfulness and nurturing without treading on his independence. Take him to a Jamba Juice when you pick him up from school. Text him about something you’re proud that he’s done. Challenge him to a game of ping-pong. Take him to dinner and a movie. And when he's sick, baby him like you used to. He’ll love it.

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Sometimes You Just Can’t Win

One moment he’ll tell you to back off, then the next minute he’s mad that you’re showing attention to his younger sister. It's very similar to his toddler years, when he’d say, "Me do it," and then get mad that you weren’t helping him. He's in between two worlds and wants what he feels like he needs—but only when he thinks he needs it. He wants to be treated like an independent adult, but secretly, he may have times when he just feels like being nurtured like a little kid. The best thing you can do is to assume he still wants you to nurture him and be a mom, while also communicating that he can tell you to give him space if he feels smothered.

Be Direct

Since you’re not a mind reader, initiate a direct conversation about your uncertainty about how to interact with him. Talk about your desire to keep nurturing him and doing things for him, while still respecting his space and independence. Explain that you know how capable he is, then ask for his guidance and advice on this issue. If nothing else, he'll be aware that you’re trying.

Back off, but Be Available

Self-sufficiency is so important, so you want to encourage it. But you need to still be sending signals that say, "I'm always here for you if you need me." Communicate this over and over, both verbally and nonverbally. Then he’ll know it’s true, whether his actions show it or not.

MORE: Kids and Video Games: 8 Things to Consider

Hi Catherine!

My daughter is two-and-a-half, and I am almost 36 weeks pregnant. My daughter, Lilly, has been in a big girl bed since about mid-September. Everything was going swimmingly for about three weeks and then all of a sudden one day, she just wouldn't take a nap. She refused to stay in bed, and after a couple of nights of this we discovered the only way to get her to sleep was to stay in the room until she was fast asleep. So that's what we did. And that is what we are still doing.

Bedtime routine includes 10-15 minutes of cartoons, reading 2-3 books, and singing a couple of songs. Then it's time to lay down, mommy or daddy sits in the chair in her room until she falls asleep.

The problem with this is she doesn't just lay down and fall asleep. She wants another book, another song, etc. I think the time has come that she doesn't need us to sit in her room for an hour until she is dead asleep. I don't fancy the idea of this process still being where it is when I am home alone every night with a toddler who won't go to bed, and a newborn. Nap time is the same process, but about half as long.

I hope that you have some wonderful suggestions for me, I am truly at a loss.

Thank you so much,

Sack Time

One consequence of the American Academy of Pediatrics' "Back to Sleep" campaign, which reduced the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome by 50 percent, was a decrease in the amount of time infants spend lying on their stomachs. But putting your baby on his stomach on the floor for around 20 minutes per day -- while you're supervising him all the while -- by age 3 to 4 months, can help him develop motor skills, according to MayoClinic.com. Start placing your infant on his stomach during the day -- what many parents call "tummy time" -- soon after birth to get your child used to it, but, again, only with observation.

Why It's Important

At least 20 minutes of tummy time per day helps your baby develop his neck and shoulder muscles, because he has to use them to lift his head to see the world around him, pediatrician Jay L. Hoecker, M.D., explains on the MayoClinic.com website. Spending time on his stomach helps him sit, roll over and crawl earlier. It also helps prevent positional plagiocephaly, which means that the back of your baby's head is flattened, usually more on one side than the other. While a flat head usually rounds out after he begins to sit up unaided, in severe cases, a baby needs to wear a specially designed helmet between the ages of 4 to 6 months to round out his head and avoid permanent flattening, according to KidsHealth from Nemours. Have your pediatrician check if you feel that your baby's head is flattening too much on one side.

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Why Babies Resist It

Modern babies don't spend much time on the floor. They sit in infant seats, car seats, jump seats, and strollers, and are carried in contraptions that allow them to look out at the world from an upright position. All these objects keep them upright and able to see the world, so they don't have to use the muscles needed to push up from the floor or raise their heads. Because babies spend little time lying on their stomachs and can't see the world as well from this position without lifting their heads, many become resistant when placed on their stomachs for tummy time.

Starting Early

The best way to get your baby used to spending time on his stomach is to start early. You can begin putting your baby across your lap on his stomach for a few minutes at a time right after birth. Place him on a blanket on the floor as soon as his umbilical cord falls off and he can lay comfortably on his stomach. A colorful blanket to lie on or toys placed in front of his face that he can look at can keep him interested in spending time on his stomach. As your baby gets a little older, he might enjoy looking at himself in a child-proof mirror placed in front of him. By around 4 months, he should be able to lift his head and chest off the floor.

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Doing It Safely

Don't leave your baby unattended on his stomach. If he falls asleep, move him to his back. Don't place soft toys, pillows or mounds of blankets near your baby, where he could bury his face in them and smother if he can't lift up his head. Avoid tummy time for an hour of so after your baby eats, especially if he's a spitter-upper; pressure on his stomach can increase spitting up after eating.

Timing

Tummy time shouldn't become a battle. Place your baby on his stomach for brief periods of time at first, just a few minutes at a time. If he starts to fuss, try distracting him or playing with him for a few minutes to extend his time. Commercially manufactured tummy-time mats have built-in pads that can help hold your baby upright when you place it under his chest and extend his arms over it; these may increase your baby's comfort and help extend his tummy time.

Suzanne Robin is a registered nurse with more than 25 years of experience in oncology, labor/delivery, neonatal intensive care, infertility and ophthalmology. She also has extensive experience working in home health with developmentally delayed or medically fragile children. Robin received her RN degree from Western Oklahoma State College. She has coauthored and edited numerous books for the Wiley "Dummies" series.

Separation anxiety usually begins around 8 months and can affect how your child interacts with unfamiliar faces. Typical symptoms include crying, tantrums and visible distress when Mom is not in the child’s view or a stranger appears on the scene. It’s not unusual for a mother to experience significant anxiety and guilt when her crying little one pleads for her return. Minimize the distress of separation anxiety for you and your child by implementing a few tactics.

Plan Ahead to Minimize Discomfort

If possible, plan your departure when your child is well-rested and well-fed to facilitate a goodbye without tears or fears. Transitions tend to be more stressful when children experience fatigue, hunger or illness, and saying goodbye to Mom only exacerbates any existing crankiness.

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Establish a Goodbye Routine

Moms use routines as tools to provide a sense of security and teach expectations for daily events. Create a goodbye routine, and practice it faithfully prior to every exit. The routine should be warm, reassuring and brief. Link the time of your return to a meaningful event, such as nap time or bath time. For example, calmly state that you'll return before snack time, give your child a hug and leave. Remember that your child will resume playing shortly after your departure, so don’t linger or return to provide additional comfort.

Plan Dress Rehearsals

New caregivers and settings can escalate your child’s symptoms of separation anxiety. Whenever possible, introduce a new babysitter or setting slowly over a period of time before leaving your child. Prior to beginning a new daycare facility, arrange several brief visits that culminate with a positive outcome. For example, follow the experience with a trip to the park or an ice cream parlor, and talk about the colorful pictures on the wall. Help your child discover something new and exciting with each visit.

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Looking Ahead

Your parenting skills enabled your child to acquire a strong, secure attachment to you; your child’s reluctance to be separated from you is evidence of a job done well. Remember that the same attachment that contributes to your child’s distress will help her to build new skills that foster independence and decrease anxiety. Moms can expect the symptoms of separation anxiety to end gradually when children are between 2 and 4 years old.

Becky Swain's first publication appeared in the "Journal of Personality Assessment" in 1984. Her articles have also appeared on various websites. She is an adjunct college instructor, licensed school psychologist and educational consultant. She holds a Master of Science in clinical psychology and a Doctor of Philosophy in educational psychology, both from Mississippi State University.

Moms demonstrate unflappable expertise when their young son or daughter needs an explanation about a loose baby tooth. You answered the question, “Why is my tooth wobbly, Mommy?” and never blinked. However, as puberty approaches, and the topic of discussion includes their child’s changing body, moms may lose self-confidence, and, well, squirm a bit. That’s okay. It’s natural for you to feel a bit uneasy, but you can vanquish those feelings and regain your mom poise. Remember that your child already looks to you as a source of expert knowledge because you earned her trust. Sure, the topic is new, because puberty is a new chapter in your child’s evolving growth and development. Moms can help their children to understand and prepare for the changes that accompany puberty.

Review the Facts

High school football teams benefit from practice drills and pep rallies that build the motivation and confidence of the student athletes. Well, perhaps you need to practice as well, so cheer yourself on by reviewing the facts you want to discuss with your child. If you have questions of your own, your child’s pediatrician is a good beginning place to get the answers. When children collaborate with other children to find answers to touchy questions, the answers can resemble a child’s fairy tale. Your accurate information can correct these misconceptions or clarify sketchy facts.

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Initiate Discussions Early

The onset of puberty typically occurs between the ages of 8 and 13 for girls, and between the ages of 10 and 16 for boys. Prepare your child for some of the changes she will experience by initiating discussions before changes appear. Unlike your child’s toddler and preschool years, when she readily brought questions to your attention, your child may feel uncomfortable about approaching you with questions about puberty. Moms can’t rely on questions as a gauge of readiness for a discussion about puberty.

Normalize Change

Change is the essence of puberty, and many of the changes alter your child’s physical appearance. Your child may not express concern about bodily changes, but may feel distressed if the timing or manifestation of changes cause her to appear different from her peers. Help your child to understand that all children undergo significant changes during puberty, and that it’s normal for every child to exhibit changes in a unique manner and on an individual timetable. Talk about your own experiences and feelings during puberty.

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Disseminate Information Over Time

Plan to have more than one discussion about puberty with your child. A single discussion that attempts to cover every detailed topic related to puberty may prove completely exhausting for you and a bit overwhelming for your child. Plan several follow-up discussions, and expect your child to have many questions after your initial discussion. Remind your child that you remain accessible to address new topics, and answer questions about previous topics.

Becky Swain's first publication appeared in the "Journal of Personality Assessment" in 1984. Her articles have also appeared on various websites. She is an adjunct college instructor, licensed school psychologist and educational consultant. She holds a Master of Science in clinical psychology and a Doctor of Philosophy in educational psychology, both from Mississippi State University.

Dear Catherine,

My family of five is planning a road trip vacation for spring break. With a 10-, 8-, and 4-year-old in tow we're nervous. While we want them to appreciate our nation's natural beauty through the windows of our vehicle, we know they would much rather plug into an iPad, read a book or argue amongst themselves. How in the world do we make this trip not only easy for us—the parents—but enjoyable AND educational for the kids?

Signed,

No Whining in the Minivan

Perhaps you've witnessed a child who whines, yells and runs throughout the grocery store, and the parent just keeps shopping and doesn't seem to notice. Nobody ever wants to be that parent who seems immune to their own child's misbehavior. But sometimes it's hard to tell if your child's misbehavior is normal or not. If the misbehavior is within the normal range, it may just require some disciplinary action to take care of it. However, if the behavior seems to be out of the bell-shaped curve, it may require professional intervention.

Normal Versus Abnormal Misbehavior

When determining what's normal behavior and what isn't, a child's developmental stage needs to be taken into account. What's normal misbehavior for a 4-year-old most likely isn't normal for a 14-year-old. It is normal, however, for kids of all ages to test limits sometimes and to try and get a reaction out of adults. Misbehavior becomes a problem when it interferes with a child's functioning. For example, if a child's misbehavior makes it nearly impossible for him to establish friendships or make academic progress, it's a problem. If your child's misbehavior interferes with social or educational functioning, talk to your child's pediatrician.

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Normal Toddler Misbehavior

As toddlers gain more independence as they learn to walk and talk, they also begin to exercise the word, "No." It's normal for toddlers to be mildly non-compliant when told to pick up their toys or put down the breakable china. It's also normal for toddlers to have tantrums and frequent emotional meltdowns when they don't get their way. Throwing themselves to the ground, crying and screaming are normal responses for toddlers. They may become physically aggressive at times when they don't get their way and lack the ability to express complicated concepts verbally.

Normal Preschool Misbehavior

Preschoolers show increased ability to regulate their emotions. Meltdowns and tantrums should be less frequent and less intense. They should also be developing the ability to use their words and aggression should diminish. As preschoolers begin to develop relationships with other kids, it's normal to have difficulty sharing toys and attention from adults. Preschoolers often continue to test limits and break rules at times, to see how caregivers will respond. They often want to exert their independence with tasks such as getting dressed their own way, but may demand help with other tasks such as picking up toys.

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Normal School-Age Misbehavior

Once children begin attending school, their independence grows in leaps and bounds. They no longer require constant eyes-on supervision, and it's normal for them to take advantage of their new freedom at times -- so they may try to lie to get their way out of trouble. It's normal for school age children to struggle with self-discipline and may need help remembering to brush their teeth, do their homework and do their chores. School-age children also tend to have difficulty managing frustration as they begin to try new tasks and solve problems on their own. They may be sore losers and need help developing empathy for others.

Normal Preteen Misbehavior

Pre-teens begin to experience new social pressures and hormonal fluctuations that can lead to behavioral changes. It's normal for preteens to try and assert increased independence and as a result, may become non-compliant and argumentative. For example, it's normal for a preteen to say, "I know, I'll do it later," when reminded to do their chores. Preteens can be very moody and may appear to develop an "attitude" with parents. They may also become mildly rebellious by wanting to dye their hair or wear clothes their parents may not approve of. They may lack adequate social skills and may struggle with bullying and peer relationships as well.

Normal Teen Misbehavior

As kids progress through adolescence, their ability to regulate their emotions improves and their social skills become more fine-tuned. However, teens commonly continue to test limits and may behave rebelliously at times. Teenagers are prone to peer pressure and need adult guidance to help them manage their impulses and make healthy decisions. They may experiment with different social groups and struggle to find their identity as they try to become independent from their parents.

Amy Morin is a licensed clinical social worker who works as a therapist for adults and children. She is also an instructor at a community college, where she teaches courses in psychology and mental health. Morin received her Master of Social Work from the University of New England.

When your child is in the midst of throwing a tantrum and is refusing to do what you tell him, the last thing on your mind is giving him a reward. However, rewards can be a great way to turn your kid's behavior around. And don't worry, rewards don't need to be lavish gifts that will spoil your child. In fact, if your child is like most kids, he probably already receives quite a few extra privileges that you can start linking to his good behavior.

Rewards Motivate Kids

Sometimes parents worry that giving kids incentives is really just bribing them to behave. However, much of society is based on rewards. For example, most adults show up at their job every day so they can be rewarded with a paycheck. Similarly, kids can benefit from a reward that gives them extra incentive to behave. Rewards can include things that don't cost money, such as time with electronics or a later bedtime. Special time doing a fun activity together, such as making a special snack or going for a bike ride, motivates some kids, while others may want to earn a play date or a trip to the park. Involve your child in choosing rewards that will motivate him.

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Choose the Target Behavior

Identify the behaviors you want to target with a reward system. For example, do you want your child to start following directions the first time you tell him to do something? Or are you more concerned with his aggression toward a sibling? Keep it simple and start with one or two behaviors initially. Once your child masters the initial behaviors, you can always create a new target behavior. Explain the reward system to your child and describe it as a positive way to help him make some changes. If you can get your child excited about the program, he'll be much more motivated to work hard on changing his behavior.

Sticker Charts

Sticker charts can be an effective reward system for young children. Behaviors like potty training or learning to stay in his own bed all night can respond well to a sticker chart. For preschoolers, the sticker alone often provides incentive enough to change their behavior. Allow your child to pick out the stickers that he likes and display the chart prominently on a wall or on the fridge. Allow an older child the opportunity to earn a bigger reward once he has earned a certain number of stickers. For example, take your child on a trip to the playground once he has earned five stickers.

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Daily Rewards

Reward systems don't have to be complicated. A simple daily reward system can give kids an immediate reward every day if they meet their goals. For example, allow your child 30 minutes of video-game time after he completes his chores. Or allow a child to stay up 15 minutes later if he brushes his teeth without needing a reminder. Pick one or two small behaviors and offer simple rewards or privileges that will motivate your child.

Point Systems

Point systems work best for older children. Allow your child to earn points each day for good behavior. Then, offer a reward menu with rewards worth various amounts of points. Small rewards, like 30 minutes of TV time, can be worth a couple of points. Bigger rewards, such as going to the movies, can be worth many more points. Give your child the freedom to save or spend his points as he wishes. Provide interesting incentives on the reward menu to keep your child motivated to keep earning points.

Making Reward Systems Work

Reward systems need to be updated over time. If your child isn't earning any rewards, you may want to ensure that the program isn't too difficult for him. Work together with your child identifying problems with reward systems and be flexible with making changes. Assess his progress toward his goals often and add or delete target behaviors as needed. Also, keep your ears open for reward ideas. When he asks for something at the store, offer to add it to his reward system and give him the opportunity to earn it.

Amy Morin is a licensed clinical social worker who works as a therapist for adults and children. She is also an instructor at a community college, where she teaches courses in psychology and mental health. Morin received her Master of Social Work from the University of New England.

Dear Catherine:

We're trying to negotiate chores in our house and so far a weekly allowance was very motivating for our eight-year-old, but she's starting to lose interest. It was like it was a new fun thing instead of a family responsibility, but now she's over it. Sometimes she even tells me to "keep the money" when she doesn't feel like making her bed. How can I motivate my daughter to pitch in around the house?

—Mom to Lazybones