As the first year of my baby's life arrived, I looked back on the previous year and realized I'd learned some pretty darn important lessons. These lessons:
1. Breast-Feeding Is My Frenemy
Moms know. Breast-feeding is a roller-coaster ride of emotions. I’m still not sure how I feel about it other
than I have mixed feelings about it. I’m
glad I did it, but I’m not sure I’ll do it again. I loved it and I hated it. It made me feel so maternal and on track, and
it also made me feel like a loser, like a misfit, like a monster.
real. It’s horrible. And thank God for the friends and family who
help you through it.
3. Mesh Panties Are So Underappreciated
They held it all together in the messy birth aftermath. They housed those Maxi pad mattresses without
pinching my post-baby fatness. They were
so understanding, so supportive. And I
missed them so much when I left the hospital.
4. Sleep Will Only Be a Passing Acquaintance for the Next Several Years
Sometimes I daydream about that kind of deep slumber that I
used to get that’s so deep you don’t even dream or change positions the entire
night. I’m just going to pretend that I
put that kind of sleep in a time capsule that I will open and enjoy five years
5. Late Night Ragers Aren’t All That Worth It Anymore
Yeah, I’ll still rally every now and then because, for God’s
sake, this mama needs a break; but that hangover on top of months of sleep
deprivation punishes me for the next 48 hours. And then I ask myself the same question every time: Do you hate yourself?
6. Witch Hazel Is Better Than Diamonds
When your punani feels like someone just lit a firework on
it—witch hazel. When you’re in that kind
of vagina pain, you will give up all other pleasures in life just to have 10
minutes of relief. My girlfriend told me
to douse maxi pads with witch hazel and put them in the freezer. I can never fully repay her for this
advice. I bow down to frozen, witch hazel
A baby WILL fall off the bed.
7. There’s No Reason to Rush Milestones
I was always so anxious to see my baby sit up and then
crawl, and then walk. There’s no need to
rush those things. Now, as I’m chasing
my 1-year-old around trying to catch her before she walks off the concrete
steps or before she sticks her hands in the toilet, I’m thinking of ways I can
bind her legs without it being abusive.
8. A Baby WILL Fall off the Bed
And she will do it three times before her stupid parents learn
9. Don’t Walk Down Hollywood Boulevard With Your Baby
That is, if you don’t want your baby to be touched by a dingy,
bootleg superhero. (Just FYI.)
10. Blowouts Happen Exactly When You Don't Want Them To
Nine out of 10 times your baby will blow out in the middle of a fancy dinner or at
the beach. There’s nothing like carrying your smelly baby through a
nice restaurant in a really awkward way which makes it obvious that you don’t
want to get poop on your silk-blend shirt that you shouldn’t have worn anyway
(duh, you have a baby) that makes you realize you should always, not sometimes, but always carry an extra outfit with
11. I Did Not Need That
That big, ugly, cumbersome, expensive baby exersaucer, after all.
12. Never Pass up an Opportunity to Flaunt Your Big, Nursing Ta-Tas.
Milk those babies for all they’re worth. Pun intended. Who cares if they are full of breast milk. It’s a lot sexier than the billowy scones
that you’ll be left with after that milk is gone.
13. You Can Easily Gain 5 Pounds From Goldfish Crackers