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8 Things You Do That Embarrass Your Baby

Photograph by Getty Images

In a rare kid-free moment, I’m sitting outside my sons’ gym class waiting for him to finish. I’ve got a cup of tea and the Sunday Times in hand. And did I mention I’m kid-free for an hour? It’s a great morning.

The waiting area is filled with other parents waiting for their kids, but it seems everyone but me has a baby with them—obviously their younger “schlep-along” kid whose older sibling is inside the gym. It’s rare that I’m kid-free in a room full of parents and kids. I suddenly see parenting from a whole different perspective. I slump down in my chair and blush on the behalf of every parent. After all, when watching a group of parents and babies it becomes clear to me that we parents are one embarrassing group of people.

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To my left, one mom sits in front of a mirror with her baby on her lap and repeats over and over, “Who’s that baby? Who’s that baby?” as she points to her baby in the mirror. To my right, I watch another spray her baby with saliva as she makes airplane noises to get the kid to eat. I can’t help but wonder what these babies are thinking. Chances are, most baby’s thought bubbles would read, “Mommmmmm, you’re humiliating me!”

Think this applies to every mom but you? Think again. Here are all the things every mom does that is totally embarrassing to your baby.

1. Baby talk. There are few things as excruciating as listening to a grown-up speak in a sing song-y voice while repeating the same sentence over and over again. Even your baby knows baby talk is so uncool.

2. Speaking in the third person. Why does ,ommy always have to refer to herself as mommy? It’s pretty safe to assume that baby knows you’re her mom. You don’t have to keep telling her.

Your kid is trying to act like he doesn’t know you.

3. S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G Every Word. Even if you spell that F-bomb, your baby still knows you’re cursing. And it’s still totally embarrassing.

4. Dancing. Unless you’re J.Lo, it’s probably best never to dance. Even in private your kid will still cringe when you bust a move.

5. Singing. See No. 4.

6. Airplane noises and other getting-kid-to-eat tactics. Remember when you were single and cool? Think of that the next time you turn a spoon into an airplane and try to get your kid to eat.

7. Clicking sounds and other ways of getting your baby’s attention. Your kid isn’t not paying attention. Your kid is trying to act like he doesn’t know you because you’re making a sound that only belongs in a duck-calling contest.

8. Dressing like your baby. If you’re wearing a onesie or anything close, you’re embarrassing.

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The bad news is you’ve probably done everything on this list. The good news is you’ve got a little time before your baby is a teenager and everything you do will be cringeworthy to your kid. Enjoy!

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