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How Sexy Talk Changes Post-Baby

There’s nothing more amazing than that exhilarating feeling of new love. The beginning of a relationship is a time of love, lust and romance. You can’t keep your hands off each other, you hurt when you’re apart, your days are filled with thoughts of the other person. Every song makes you think of him. You watch The Notebook and cry. You are in love.

And then you have a baby.

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Now, I’m not saying you’re not still in love. You probably are. I’m not saying you aren’t attracted to your man. You are. It’s just that you CAN keep your hands off him. Especially when he hasn’t woken to get the baby in the last five nights, and especially when you’re feeling those five nights of sleep deprivation and are tired as hell. And it’s not The Notebook that makes you cry these days. It’s The Hangover, because, man, you want to be in Vegas passed out on the rooftop of Caesar’s Palace.

Yes, things change up when you have a baby. Life gets richer, no doubt. It changes up for the good, but it gets busier and more complicated. And as much as you wish you could preserve the pre-kid hot and horny romance, when you have a baby, you enter into a more practical phase where “hot” and “horny” compete with “breast milk” and “sleep training.” The dirty talk is not the same dirty talk of your life before baby. Here are 10 examples of how romantic talk changes when you have a baby.

Pre-baby: You smell amazing, baby.

Post-baby: Do you smell poo?

Pre-baby: You look hot!

Post-baby: Your eyes aren’t bloodshot. Did you use Visine?

Pre-baby: You complete me.

Post-baby: Either make yourself useful and change her diaper or get out of my face.

Pre-baby: (You leave a note on the mirror for him to see while he shaves. It says, “I made reservations for 9 p.m. at Nobu." Lipstick kiss marks underneath)

Post-baby: (You leave a note on the fridge that says, “There’s leftover spaghetti in Tupperware in the fridge. Heat it up. Or microwave a Hot Pocket (in the freezer).” Yes, you are now working the word “Tupperware” into your communications.)

The baby will be up in 10 minutes. Let’s do this, shall we?

Pre-baby: It’s like we read each other’s minds. (starry-eyed look)

Post-baby: (blank stare)

Pre-baby: I need you now.

Post-baby: Can you please quit scratching your balls at the table?

Pre-baby: You’re my dream come true.

Post-baby: I never dream anymore because in order to dream I have to get sleep, and I don’t get any f***ing sleep, anymore.

Pre-baby: Good morning, my love!

Post-baby: (a series of grunts, or just a big one)

Pre-baby: Let me get into something more comfortable.

Post-baby: ZZzzzzzzZZZZZzzz

Pre-baby: I can’t wait to kiss every inch of your body.

Post-baby: The baby will be up in 10 minutes. Let’s do this, shall we?

Pre-baby: Lights on.

Post-baby: F*** it! Have you seen what this body can do? Lights on!

Pre-baby: I can’t live without you. I don’t want to live in a world without you.

Post-baby: I’m going to sleep in the guest room tonight so I can get a good night's sleep. I’m almost positive you have a deviated septum.

Pre-baby: (He carries you upstairs and into the room in the heat of passion.)

Post-baby: (He takes the remote out of your hand and covers you with a blanket when you’ve fallen asleep on the couch.)

Pre-baby: I love you so much it hurts.

Post-baby: It hurts. My vagina hurts.

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It’s just the way it is—the day-to-day life as parents is filled with things that are not hot. But, you are hot. Yes, you’re still a wild, untamed champion in the sack. And there’s something sexy about creating a child with your partner and watching each other parent and nurture your adorable baby. Embrace parenthood, love it, own it—because that’s sexy. Now brush your hair, put some Lanolin on your nipples and get a few Zzzs in while the baby is sleeping, you sexy beast.

Photo by Getty Images

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