There’s nothing more amazing than that exhilarating feeling
of new love. The beginning of a
relationship is a time of love, lust and romance. You can’t keep your hands off each other, you
hurt when you’re apart, your days are filled with thoughts of the other
person. Every song makes you think of
him. You watch The Notebook and cry. You
are in love.
Now, I’m not saying you’re not still in love. You probably are. I’m not saying you aren’t attracted to your
man. You are. It’s just that you CAN keep your hands off
him. Especially when he hasn’t woken to
get the baby in the last five nights, and especially when you’re feeling those five nights of sleep deprivation and are tired as hell. And it’s not The Notebook that makes you cry these days. It’s The
Hangover, because, man, you want to
be in Vegas passed out on the rooftop of Caesar’s Palace.
Yes, things change up when you have a baby. Life gets richer, no doubt. It changes up for the good, but it gets
busier and more complicated. And as
much as you wish you could preserve the pre-kid hot and horny romance, when you
have a baby, you enter into a more practical phase where “hot” and “horny” compete
with “breast milk” and “sleep training.” The dirty talk is not the same dirty talk of your life before baby. Here are 10 examples of how romantic talk
changes when you have a baby.
Pre-baby: You smell
Post-baby: Do you
Pre-baby: You look
Post-baby: Your eyes
aren’t bloodshot. Did you use Visine?
make yourself useful and change her diaper or get out of my face.
Pre-baby: (You leave a
note on the mirror for him to see while he shaves. It says, “I made reservations for 9 p.m. at
Nobu." Lipstick kiss marks underneath)
Post-baby: (You leave
a note on the fridge that says, “There’s leftover spaghetti in
Tupperware in the fridge. Heat it
up. Or microwave a Hot Pocket (in the
freezer).” Yes, you are now working the
word “Tupperware” into your communications.)
The baby will be up in 10 minutes. Let’s do this, shall we?
Pre-baby: It’s like
we read each other’s minds. (starry-eyed look)
Pre-baby: I need you
Post-baby: Can you
please quit scratching your balls at the table?
Pre-baby: You’re my
dream come true.
Post-baby: I never
dream anymore because in order to dream I have to get sleep, and I don’t get
any f***ing sleep, anymore.
morning, my love!
Post-baby: (a series
of grunts, or just a big one)
Pre-baby: Let me get
into something more comfortable.
Pre-baby: I can’t
wait to kiss every inch of your body.
Post-baby: The baby
will be up in 10 minutes. Let’s do this, shall we?
Pre-baby: Lights on.
Post-baby: F*** it!
Have you seen what this body can do? Lights
Pre-baby: I can’t
live without you. I don’t want to live
in a world without you.
Post-baby: I’m going
to sleep in the guest room tonight so I can get a good night's sleep. I’m almost positive you have a deviated
Pre-baby: (He carries
you upstairs and into the room in the heat of passion.)
Post-baby: (He takes
the remote out of your hand and covers you with a blanket when you’ve fallen
asleep on the couch.)
It’s just the way it is—the day-to-day life as parents is
filled with things that are not hot. But, you are hot. Yes, you’re still a wild, untamed champion
in the sack. And there’s something sexy
about creating a child with your partner and watching each other parent and nurture
your adorable baby. Embrace parenthood,
love it, own it—because that’s sexy. Now
brush your hair, put some Lanolin on your nipples and get a few Zzzs in while
the baby is sleeping, you sexy beast.