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Here's Why You Don't Have Good Mom Friends

When my daughter was born into my life with just one week’s notice, I went into what you might call "panic mode." There was one night in particular when I remember sitting on my couch in stunned silence for hours, completely freaking out about the ways in which my life was about to change.

My friends, though? They went into preparation mode. Day after day, there were knocks on my door with new clothes and supplies and necessities. Women were in and out of my house doing laundry and hanging clothes and helping me get organized when I didn’t even know where to start.

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Those same women were there the day my daughter was born and have remained pillars of strength for me in the year since. They are the women I call with my mommy questions; the ones I cry to when things just don’t seem to be going right; the ones I brag to when things do go right; and the women I rely on for wine nights when I desperately need adult interaction.

These women are my family, and I honestly don’t know what I would do without them.

So when I hear women talking about how they have no mom friends, it makes me sad, because I know both my own and my daughter’s life are better for these women we call aunties. But I also know that more often than not, there is a reason those friendships have been hard to come by. I have seen the same issues again and again in women who complain about a lack of female bonding. In fact, there are five patterns that seem to repeat themselves among the women who can’t seem to lock down their own incredible group of mommy friends.

Quantity Over Quality

Back in high school and even college, it was normal to be friends with everyone. You had a long list of people you could call on for happy hour or study sessions, and your social circle was big. But as an adult, particularly an adult with kids, it just isn’t possible to maintain that many friendships anymore. Not on any kind of quality level. The truth is we only have so much time in a day. You should be spending that time nurturing and growing your quality friendships, not trying to keep up with the 500 people you deem closest to you on Facebook.

The problem with being a queen bee is it can get awfully lonely at the top.

Hanging on to Toxic

We have all had that friendship that spanned years and therefore seemed to be worth dismissing bad behavior for. The problem is people grow and change—and sometimes they grow and change apart. Just because you have been friends with someone since you were kids does not mean it is still a healthy friendship today. And when cattiness or gossip or just plain vindictive behavior starts to get in the way, it is time to cut the fat and turn your focus toward the genuine and loyal friendships you deserve. Just like hanging on to a bad romantic relationship can keep you from finding a good one, continuing to engage with toxic friends can prevent you from moving on to true and secure bonds.

You Don’t Trust Women

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard some woman or another say “I don’t trust women.” Back in high school, I think this was the cool sentiment, and the greatest excuse ever to be a “guy's girl.” But as we get older, it starts to sound as juvenile as it is. Here’s the thing: Of course there are untrustworthy women in this world. And you will most definitely come across a few in your search for soul sisters. But to put a blanket statement across it and make it seem as though all women are out to get you—well, it just makes you look petty, catty and a little too self-important. Have you ever considered the fact that maybe it’s not them, it’s you? If you can’t see that there are some truly genuine women in this world, then you have got your blinders on. That, or you are simply drawn to drama. Either way, I don’t trust women who say they don’t trust women.

Queen Bee Complex

Then there are the women who need to be the center of attention at all times. They are constantly engaged in drama with the other women in their lives because they hate giving up their limelight, even for a second, to anyone else. Ironically, these are often the women who say they don’t trust women. They are also the ones who intentionally seek out friendships with women who they don’t believe will ever try to upstage them. The problem with being a queen bee is it can get awfully lonely at the top. Real friendship is a two-way street, and if you aren’t willing to have your needs put on the back burner from time to time so that you can focus on someone else’s, you aren’t ever going to be able to build any kind of real connections with anyone.

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Too Busy for … Everything

Look, we have all been there. Kids, work, relationships—it can become a bit exhausting at times. And it isn’t totally crazy to want to hole up and separate yourself from the world when life becomes overwhelming. But when you do that for an extended period of time, you have to understand that people are going to stop trying. You can only hear, “Nope, sorry, I’m too busy” so many times before you figure the person you are trying to spend time with just isn’t interested. No matter how busy you are, we can all make time for a quick coffee or phone conversation every once in awhile. Good friendships take work, and if you aren’t willing to invest the time, you can’t act shocked if you find yourself all alone on girls' night.

Photo by SnappyPixels

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