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Top 10 Tips for Newborns

Photograph by Flickr/Ginny Washburne

When you're a new mom, there's no shortage of resources to help you schlep to the top of the learning curve.

Don't get me wrong — I'm certainly not saying it's easy to find all the answers! In fact, when you're first figuring out how to operate a diaper and determining which cleansers are best at removing spit-up stains (spoiler alert: NOTHING removes spit-up stains), wading through billions of articles and books, each overflowing with information, it can be more overwhelming than helpful.

That's especially true considering that half the time the "experts" don't seem to agree (just tell me once and for all whether or not pacifiers are going to ruin my kid's teeth), and the rest of the time you can still just pretty much throw their recommendations directly out the window since they talk a lot about "normal" this and "average" that, even though babies aren't exactly known for conforming to any kind of expectations based on what other babies have done.

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However, having too much information is arguably preferable to not having enough — or, in the case of newborns, having none at all.

Wait, newborns? What?

That's right. Think about it. A new mom can easily Google anything from "2-month milestones" to "are these $%@& stretch marks ever going to go away?!?" but how's her brand new baby supposed to know what to expect? While mom consults shelves of books to find out exactly which shade of greenish-brownish-yellowish poop should be cause for alarm, where's the advice for her newborn?

Right here, that's where.

Everyone's publishing tips for new moms, but we're finally publishing the insider info that their babies would love to have — you know, if they could read and knew how to use the internet. Here are our top 10 tips for newborns.

1. When mommy's dressing you, you can make the process more efficient by sticking all your limbs though a single arm hole of your onesie.

2. A note on peek-a-boo: Don't worry, she'll be back. PROBABLY.

3. But in case mommy ever gets lost, it's wise to leave a trail of pacifiers everywhere she takes you so she can find her way home.

4. If you cry at 3 a.m., you get to have mommy all to yourself!

5. Your parents think spoons are airplanes full of food. Just humor them.

6. Good places to sleep: car seat, mommy's lap, daddy's chest when he's reclined on the couch but was just about to get up, electric swing that's going to run out of batteries in two minutes, moving stroller.

7. Bad places to sleep: crib.

8. The short fingers at the ends of your feet are delicious.

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9. Gravity is fun, but you never know where you'll find it. Test your home for Gravity by throwing food off your high chair tray and attempting to roll off the bed every time Mommy turns her back for three seconds.

10. Poop. Like, constantly. Otherwise they get worried and take you to the doctor.

You're welcome, newborns. As for the rest of you who already have experience being babies yourselves, please leave your own tips in the comments!

Image via Getty Images

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