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9 Things No One Told Me About Pregnancy

Let me just start by saying that I loved being pregnant. It was an amazing experience that I plan on doing again — more than once! However, when you’re pregnant, people like to give you unsolicited advice. I was told a lot of things, but there were quite a few that everyone just sort of failed to mention. Maybe it’s that whole choosing-to-forget thing, but I just want to make sure anyone who is pregnant or is thinking of getting pregnant really knows just exactly what they’re getting into. And so, I present to you some things no one told me about pregnancy. You’re welcome.

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1. Constipation. Yeah, that happens. I mean, I get it, I get why nobody talks about it, because it sucks and it’s kind of personal and yadda yadda, but hey. This list isn’t about keeping up appearances. This list is about being real. And you can’t get more real than drinking a glass of prune juice each night — which, by the way, is nasty and looks like sewer water, but it works! It really works.

2. You will get pimples. I’ve never had bad skin. I’m not prone to breaking out (aside from one rogue little guy every once in a while), but oh my, I’m knocked up and all of a sudden my face is akin to a teenage boy. Awesome.

3. You will be an emotional wreck. I literally cried at everything. And I mean everything. Okay, so they do talk about this a lot. But I didn't know how true it was. You will feel all of the emotions, and you will feel them very strongly.

4. Don’t eat whatever you want. Sure, everyone jokes with you about your funky pickles and ice cream cravings, but the joke’s on you if you believe you can eat that every night and stay within the respectable 20-30 pound weight gain range. Yes, you're pregnant. No, you can't use it as an excuse to eat everything you've been denying yourself — unless of course you want to birth a baby beluga. A donut is okay. Heck, have two! But put down the entire box.

5. You will never feel more powerful than you do during childbirth. It is amazing what the human body is capable of. Yes, you really did grow a human being inside of you for those nine months. It is incredible. Revel in that feeling. Give yourself multiple back pats and maybe even a designer bag. You deserve it.

6. You should really sleep. Seriously, sleep as much as your back spasms and pea-sized bladder will allow, because you won't be getting much of those precious Z's for the next 18-ish years. No, really though, please just go to sleep, now. For me.

7. You may grow facial hair. I know, this one totally sucks, but you might possibly get a whole lot hairier than you could ever have imagined, thanks to those crazy hormones. At least now you can join your husband in participating in Movember?

8. Lopsided boobs. Your boobs will become their own entity. They will do crazy things. Yeah, I always knew they would get big (a huge perk for those of us who aren’t so well endowed!) but did you also know they can become lopsided? Like, two-different-cup-sizes lopsided? Yeah, that happens. Also, they get big, but they also hurt like hell when that milk comes in. And leak. And shoot milk clear across the room. I could go on, but I’ll spare you. Just invest in some nipple cream and roomy sports bras. And thank me later.

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9. You have no idea the amount of love you are about to feel. All of this hard work, the pain, the discomfort, the weird cravings and never-ending trips to the bathroom, the swollen feet and weight gain, the wider hips and stretch marks, the bad skin and whacked out hormones — they will all be worth it once you meet your precious baby. You'll vow to never do it again, but then find yourself longing for another in a few months. And you'll know you're a crazy person and smile and do it anyway. Because it really is all worth it for that precious tiny being that you get to call yours forever.

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