Of course kids love Halloween — it’s the most rule-breaking holiday of the year! Candy for dinner,
staying up past bedtime and wearing dress-up clothes outside adds up to an
epically spook-tacular night. But for parents
responsible for all the planning and preparation, pulling off their kids' dream
Halloween is no easy feat. Maybe not
everyone is as neurotic as I am, but here are the sorts of issues I obsess over
1. I should have made a homemade costume. This store-bought crap makes it look like I
2. I should have never attempted a homemade
Halloween costume. This sewing machine
is a death trap and my hand is going to wind up stitched into my kid’s outfit
like a human centipede.
3. If I buy the pumpkin too early, it’s going to
implode into a disgusting gelatinous mass that I’ll be scraping off our front
stoop for months. If I buy the pumpkin too late, we’ll wind up with a butternut
4. Could a candy apple lead to a cavity that causes
root canal that necessitates dentures? I
can’t have my kid being the only one in Kindergarten who has to put her teeth
in at lunchtime.
5. I just know my daughter is going to get a raging
head cold because she refuses to wear a jacket over her Halloween costume.
6. Speaking of which, am I going to have time to
wash her chocolate-smeared costume tonight before she wears it in the Halloween
parade at school tomorrow? Is it even
washable or will it just dissolve into a pile of glitter?
7. Are we going to be the only parents in the
neighborhood who didn’t partake in an elaborate family costume? Damn those Barkers
and their matching Incredibles outfits. I’m willing to wear cat ears, but that’s as far as I go.
8. And if we both take our daughter
trick-or-treating, will neighborhood hooligans TP our house?
9. What if this the year my kid asks me what ghosts
are? I’m over 40 and I still don’t know
exactly what I believe.
should never have committed to a costume a month before Halloween. And I should have predicted this would be the
moment my daughter finally got sick of "Frozen." I’m not sure I’m creative enough to turn her Elsa costume into a vampire
on such short notice.