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8 Things I Don't Miss About Having a Newborn

Photograph by Getty Images

Are you up to your eyebrows in child-rearing, yet occasionally feel your ovaries pound when you hold a friend's new baby? Do you miss that newborn smell as you shake your head at how big your kids are getting?

It's said that women forget how bad childbirth was. I would add that we might also forget some of the intricacies of life with newborns, leaving mostly hazy, sepia-toned memories of the early days of parenting.

RELATED: 4 Things I Miss Most About My Pre-Baby Life

If you know you're done procreating, yet sometimes second guess yourself, here are 8 little reminders about life with a newborn to help stave off the baby fever.

1. The Big Bleed

That's right, you get an entire nine months' worth of menses—all at once. In the beginning, blood clots can be as big as a lemon and may cause you to fear that you've crapped out an organ. Fortunately, the bleeding tapers off—after six weeks.

2. Days and nights reversed

The recollection of this alone makes me want to claw out my uterus. Hey, why isn't my sweet little baby going to bed at 7 p.m. like my friends' kids? Oh, because he thinks it's the motherloving morning? And he wants to nurse and cry all night, causing me a severe sleep deficit just as my body is trying to recover from the trauma of labor? Riiiiggghhhht.

3. Poop factory

Some babies poop every time they eat. And they eat a lot.

You just changed a diaper. You haven't even had the chance to dispose of it when your baby scrunches up her face and lets loose, as if saying, "Thank you, ma'am. May I have another?" Despite the relative innocuousness of baby poop (compared to say, trying to scrape gritty blueberry poo off a toddler scrotum), some babies poop every time they eat. And they eat a lot.

4. Cluster feeding

Try this: Sit in your favorite chair and clamp a stuffed animal to your nipples between the hours of 4:30 and 7 p.m. each night. Repeat every night for a week.

5. Starvin' Marvin

Your body is famished from breastfeeding your little muffin. But every time you try to put your little guy down, he shrieks. You can't figure out how to get to your kitchen, let alone cook.

6. Hemorrhoids

In addition to being incredibly difficult to spell, these little gems that can sprout up during pregnancy or after giving birth leave you feeling like you're shitting glass.

7. Umbilical stump

The life-giving umbilical cord filtered food down to your sweet fetus for nine months, nourishing and growing her. But then it emerges from your womb, throbbing like alien guts, before getting hacked off, leaving behind an infection-prone skin nub that will shrivel and fall off leprosy-style. Don't forget to clean it!

RELATED: The Cutest Newborn Photos Ever

8. Soft spots

Remember those delicate areas on your baby's head where the skull hasn't closed up yet, leaving their tiny brains exposed? Like the umbilical cord, they pulse. Shiver.

Don't let those tiny little fingers and the intoxicating scent of new life fool you. Babies are the worst.

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