Are you up to your eyebrows in child-rearing, yet occasionally
feel your ovaries pound when you hold a friend's new baby? Do you miss that
newborn smell as you shake your head at how big your kids are getting?
It's said that women forget how bad childbirth was. I would
add that we might also forget some of the intricacies of life with newborns,
leaving mostly hazy, sepia-toned memories of the early days of parenting.
If you know you're done procreating, yet sometimes second
guess yourself, here are 8 little reminders about life with a newborn to help stave
off the baby fever.
1. The Big Bleed
That's right, you get an entire nine
months' worth of menses—all at once. In
the beginning, blood clots can be as big as a lemon and may cause you to fear that
you've crapped out an organ. Fortunately, the bleeding tapers off—after six weeks.
2. Days and nights reversed
The recollection of
this alone makes me want to claw out my uterus. Hey, why isn't my sweet little
baby going to bed at 7 p.m. like my friends' kids? Oh, because he thinks it's
the motherloving morning? And he wants to nurse and cry all night, causing me a severe sleep deficit just as my body is trying to recover from the trauma of
3. Poop factory
Some babies poop every time they eat. And they eat a lot.
You just changed a diaper. You haven't even had the chance to dispose
of it when your baby scrunches up her face and lets loose, as if saying, "Thank
you, ma'am. May I have another?" Despite the relative innocuousness of baby poop
(compared to say, trying to scrape gritty blueberry poo off a toddler scrotum),
some babies poop every time they eat. And they eat a lot.
4. Cluster feeding
Try this: Sit in your favorite
chair and clamp a stuffed animal to your nipples between the hours of 4:30 and
7 p.m. each night. Repeat every night for a week.
5. Starvin' Marvin
Your body is famished from
breastfeeding your little muffin. But every time you try to put your little guy
down, he shrieks. You can't figure out how to get to your kitchen, let alone
In addition to being incredibly
difficult to spell, these little gems that can sprout up during pregnancy or
after giving birth leave you feeling like you're shitting glass.
7. Umbilical stump
The life-giving umbilical cord
filtered food down to your sweet fetus for nine months, nourishing and growing her.
But then it emerges from your womb, throbbing like alien guts, before getting
hacked off, leaving behind an infection-prone skin nub that will shrivel and
fall off leprosy-style. Don't forget to clean it!