I've always considered myself a girl's girl. I relate well to other women and have known my two best friends since we were 16. When I became a mom I naturally assumed I'd have a fun circle of other moms constantly hanging around my living room, drinking wine and talking about the dryness of our nipples. When that didn't happen, I was stunned.
Let's face it: making mom friends is hard. It's not like when we were kids, and you could just grab someone by the hand, pinky-swear your solidarity and then go to the Tri-County Flea Market to get Best Friends T-shirts made up with each of your names running down a sleeve.
If you're wondering why that mom you met at the playground blew you off for a playdate, saying her son was taking a really long nap, these could be some of the real reasons she did that to me. I mean, you.
1. You stalk instead of talk
Have you told a potential mom friend that you love how she looked in her wedding dress? Which you saw pictures of on her Facebook page even though you're not Facebook friends? That could be a little off-putting.
2. You share your dark side too soon
You might have some very un-PC thoughts. You might want to keep thoughts such as, "I don't believe food allergies are real" or "breast feeding at the table in a Thai restaurant is gross" to yourself, at least until you know your audience.
Maybe you have to be just a little bit drunk to make it through some of those Music Together classes. Maybe you're a little bit drunk right now. Strangely, admitting to being a fan of the daytime drinking is not necessarily cool with the mom crowd. (But then, hey, do you really want to be those chicks' friends anyway?)
4. You're a walking nightmare
Are you constantly a traveling shitshow of screaming toddler, tears and snot spraying out the sides of your buggy, dirty diapers exploding from your children's asses and a harried look on your face? If other moms hide behind trees when your stroller pulls up to the park, can you blame them?
5. You dress too fancy
The saying, "It's always better to be overdressed" might fly in the workplace, but, on the playground, showing up in your DVF wrap dress, high heels and sunglasses is like issuing an invitation for other moms to whisper about what a vain little bitch you must be. (If your daughter is wearing a mini-version of said dress, well, you might as well preemptively stop speaking to people altogether.)
6. You're too forward
Apparently, inviting another female with a spawn the same age as yours to your home for a playdate is waaay too forward for a first gathering. Doing this may cause the other mother to react as if you had just suggested meeting her and her husband for wine, charcuterie and a threesome. Stick to meeting up at the park, I guess?
7. You're awkward
You're trying to ask another mother for her number. Your cheeks are burning red as you fumble for your phone or a pen. Suddenly, you feel like you're asking The Prettiest Girl in Your Homeroom Class for a date. Damn, boys have it hard. Oh well, at least you asked.
Heading to the coffee shop with a spring in your step and saying that you've already exercised, been to the children's museum and written a chapter of your novel will win you no friends.
8. You're not a parent
Well, technically you are, but since having the kid you're still rolling with your non-parent friends most of the time, toting your baby along to brunch, outdoor flea markets, foreign films. If you want to be in the mom crowd, you've got to start jumping in the proverbial (urine-tainted) colored balls.
9. You don't complain enough. Have you not perfected the oh-so-weary look accompanied by an eye roll that telegraphs to other parents you've been up since 5 a.m., and that your child is the Most Insane Unreasonable Creature to Ever Walk the Earth? Heading to the coffee shop with a spring in your step and saying that you've already exercised, been to the children's museum and written a chapter of your novel will win you no friends.
10. You're holed up in your apartment. Have you and your child been indoors so long that you're both sporting Ted Kaczynski-type hair styles and trying out recipes for gingerbread loaf that you found on Pinterest? If you've written anything long enough to be considered a manifesto, it's time to hit the shower and get your ass outside. There are other moms out there, girlfriend, and they can't call you. You have to take the first step.