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The Real How-To Guide for New Moms

Every new mom has the same basic fears: "Will I know how to (insert basic baby task here) once my baby is born?" We read books, sign up for baby classes and watch videos in the hopes that we will become an expert.

There are three basic activities that newborns do:

  • Eat
  • Sleep
  • Excrete (pee, poop, spit-up, tears)

Here is the real how-to guide for your newborn's basic activities. Nail these and you can then refer to yourself as a true newborn expert.

RELATED: 9 Things Not to Say to a New Mom

FEEDING

Take comfort in the fact that your baby is the 89,876,225,013th baby that has had some type of hiccup when it comes to eating.

There's only one thing on the menu for a newborn, so that makes this relatively simple. You're going to want to go with breastmilk or formula. It doesn't matter which one you choose, because you are likely to have the following conversation with your pediatrician:

Mom: "I think she has acid reflux … or might be allergic to this formula … or is having a reaction to something I'm eating … or has gas … is eating too much … is not eating enough … I think she wants soy sauce."

Doctor: "She does not want soy sauce."

Be prepared to have a bump in the road when it comes to feeding. You may switch formulas. You may eliminate foods from your diet. Take comfort in the fact that your baby is the 89,876,225,013th baby that has had some type of hiccup when it comes to eating.

SLEEPING

Babies don't sleep when you'd be sleeping.

Newborn babies sleep a lot. If you add up all of the minutes they sleep per day, that'd be a really stupid waste of your time. You should be sleeping when they are sleeping, which is also a really stupid waste of your time, because babies don't sleep when you'd be sleeping.

There will eventually be a magical day when your baby sleeps for a long stretch of time at night. You will then attempt to recreate every single detail of that day. You will dress in the same clothes, dress your baby in the same clothes, eat the exact same foods, blink the same number of times and read "Moo Baa La La La" at 4:29 p.m. just as you did the day before. And guess what … your baby will absolutely NOT sleep for a long stretch for two consecutive nights. This is because God is punishing you. He's punishing you for slutty things you did when you were in your 20s.

The trick to getting your newborn to sleep through the night is to travel to the opposite hemisphere. Voila! Your baby is now asleep at night. Totally sucks that you are now awake, but I can't solve all of your problems.

EXCRETING

You should expect to talk about poop on a daily basis for the next several years.

The most common concern here is poop-related. Be prepared to have at least seven conversations per day with your spouse regarding poop. The conversations will go like this:

Mom: "He hasn't pooped in three days."

Dad: "The last time he pooped, it was green. What does that mean?"

Mom: "He always poops in the morning and then again midday."

Dad: "He's only 4 days old—how do you know what he always does?"

Mom: "I think he's pooping."

Dad: "I smell poop."

Mom: "I'm going to mark this poop on the chart."

Dad: "Poop."

Mom: "Poop."

Your baby will poop a lot. Then your baby won't poop. Then it will change color. Then it will be soft. Then it will be hard. Then it will smell different. All of it will be normal. You should expect to talk about poop on a daily basis for the next several years.

RELATED: 5 Easy Steps to Cut Your Baby's Nails

And there you have it, the three basics in a nutshell. Soon enough, you'll be an expert and look back on these days with fondness. Until then, enjoy the ride!

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