mom has the same basic fears: "Will I
know how to (insert basic baby task here) once my baby is born?" We read books, sign up for baby classes and
watch videos in the hopes that we will become an expert.
three basic activities that newborns do:
Excrete (pee, poop, spit-up, tears)
Here is the
real how-to guide for your newborn's basic activities. Nail these and you can
then refer to yourself as a true newborn expert.
Take comfort in the fact that your baby is the 89,876,225,013th baby that has had some type of hiccup when it comes to eating.
There's only one thing on the menu
for a newborn, so that makes this relatively simple. You're going to want to go with breastmilk
or formula. It doesn't matter which one
you choose, because you are likely to have the following conversation with your
Mom: "I think she has acid reflux … or
might be allergic to this formula … or is having a reaction to something I'm
eating … or has gas … is eating too much … is not eating enough … I think she wants soy
Doctor: "She does not want soy sauce."
to have a bump in the road when it comes to feeding. You may switch formulas. You may eliminate foods from your diet. Take comfort in the fact that your baby is
the 89,876,225,013th baby that has had some type of hiccup when it comes to
Babies don't sleep when you'd be sleeping.
Newborn babies sleep a lot. If you add up all of the minutes they sleep
per day, that'd be a really stupid waste of your time. You should be sleeping when they are
sleeping, which is also a really stupid waste of your time, because babies
don't sleep when you'd be sleeping.
eventually be a magical day when your baby sleeps for a long stretch of time at
night. You will then attempt to recreate
every single detail of that day. You
will dress in the same clothes, dress your baby in the same clothes, eat the
exact same foods, blink the same number of times and read "Moo Baa La La La" at
4:29 p.m. just as you did the day before. And guess what … your baby will absolutely NOT sleep for a long stretch
for two consecutive nights. This is
because God is punishing you. He's
punishing you for slutty things you did when you were in your 20s.
The trick to
getting your newborn to sleep through the night is to travel to the opposite
hemisphere. Voila! Your baby is now asleep at night. Totally sucks that you are now awake, but I
can't solve all of your problems.
You should expect to talk about poop on a daily basis for the next several years.
The most common concern here is poop-related. Be prepared to have at least seven conversations per day with your spouse regarding poop. The conversations will go like this:
Mom: "He hasn't pooped in three days."
Dad: "The last time he pooped, it was
green. What does that mean?"
Mom: "He always poops in the morning
and then again midday."
Dad: "He's only 4 days old—how do you
know what he always does?"
Mom: "I think he's pooping."
Dad: "I smell poop."
Mom: "I'm going to mark this poop on
will poop a lot. Then your baby won't
poop. Then it will change color. Then it will be soft. Then it will be hard. Then it will smell different. All of it will be normal. You should expect to talk about poop on a
daily basis for the next several years.