with my second baby, and like a lot of second-timers, I popped early.
is that I looked pregnant right away — no awkward “is she or isn’t she?” flabby
part is how many people feel the need to comment openly about my girth, from
the supermarket checker who guessed I was “about six months along” when I was
only 14 weeks, to all the Captain Obviouses out there who exclaim, “Wow, you’re
favorite comment, one I’ve gotten about 10 million times already, is “Are you
sure you’re not having twins?” I suppose this rude gem is meant to be
rhetorical, but it doesn’t have to be. If someone insists you must be having twins
when you’re carrying a singleton, here are some comebacks you can try out:
1. I’m not sure, but since you clearly studied medicine, do you have time
for a quick exam?
me lay down. Are your hands clean? I think I have a speculum in my purse…
2. Thanks for being real with me about my enormous belly.
I’m so sick of people blowing smoke up my ass and telling me I’m
glowing. I’m a big old whale and we both
know it. You’re such a good friend for
3. Why, do you want one?
I wasn’t sure how we were going to
manage twins in our two-bedroom apartment. You’d really be helping us out.
4. Dammit, I knew there was something I forgot to ask my doctor!
This changes everything. I’d
better start looking at minivans. Bye!
5. No, just one baby in my uterus. But since we’re opening up about personal stuff, I’d love to hear all
about your facelift.
And your divorce. By the way, is that rash you’re sporting contagious?
6. It’s actually triplets.
I guess my low carb diet is working! Maybe I won’t need to do a juice fast after