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'Pregnant With Twins?' 10 Snappy Comebacks

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I’m pregnant with my second baby, and like a lot of second-timers, I popped early.

The advantage is that I looked pregnant right away — no awkward “is she or isn’t she?” flabby period.

The annoying part is how many people feel the need to comment openly about my girth, from the supermarket checker who guessed I was “about six months along” when I was only 14 weeks, to all the Captain Obviouses out there who exclaim, “Wow, you’re huge!”

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My least favorite comment, one I’ve gotten about 10 million times already, is “Are you sure you’re not having twins?” I suppose this rude gem is meant to be rhetorical, but it doesn’t have to be. If someone insists you must be having twins when you’re carrying a singleton, here are some comebacks you can try out:

1. I’m not sure, but since you clearly studied medicine, do you have time for a quick exam?

Let me lay down. Are your hands clean? I think I have a speculum in my purse…

2. Thanks for being real with me about my enormous belly.

I’m so sick of people blowing smoke up my ass and telling me I’m glowing. I’m a big old whale and we both know it. You’re such a good friend for being honest.

3. Why, do you want one?

I wasn’t sure how we were going to manage twins in our two-bedroom apartment. You’d really be helping us out.

4. Dammit, I knew there was something I forgot to ask my doctor!

This changes everything. I’d better start looking at minivans. Bye!

5. No, just one baby in my uterus. But since we’re opening up about personal stuff, I’d love to hear all about your facelift.

And your divorce. By the way, is that rash you’re sporting contagious?

6. It’s actually triplets.

I guess my low carb diet is working! Maybe I won’t need to do a juice fast after all.

7. Shhhh, don’t tell my husband.

I want it to be a surprise.

8. What are you talking about?

I’m not pregnant. The nerve of some people.

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9. My boobs are just really saggy.

But it’s nice that you still think of my sweater puppies as “the twins.”

10. That’s not a baby, it’s a toomah (said with Arnold Schwarzenegger accent).

Hasta la vista, baby.

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