Let’s just say it, moms are superheroes. Between the juggling work, school, activities,
doing homework, keeping schedules, fighting picky eaters, wiping little tushies,
shushing, chauffeuring, chasing, teaching and then finding time for ourselves
on top of it all, we must regularly call upon a bevy of superhuman powers. We may not wear capes, or super tight spandex
unitards, but we are a force to be reckoned with. And in case anyone wants to
argue with that notion, how about we compare our skills to those of our
“Spidey Sense” has got nothing on “Parent Perception.”
Spiderman can climb up walls and jump from building to
building, but can he leap from slippery linoleum across the length of a kitchen
in time to catch all five mini corn dogs mid-air before gracefully landing (face
first) on the ground? And “Spidey Sense”
has got nothing on “Parent Perception.” Sure,
we can sense danger, but we can also sense shenanigans from several rooms away
and also when a number 2 is nigh. Though we don’t shoot webs out of our wrists,
we can shoot a mean “don’t even think about it…” look. And though we probably haven’t been bitten by
a radioactive spider, we’ve definitely
been bitten. And we’re sure that toddler
teeth hurt WAYYY worse.
We can “fly” sort of. Mostly “off the handle.”
Superman is known for his superhuman strength. Well, we can carry a wriggling, kicking
toddler in one arm and three bags of groceries in the other while hitting the
unlock button on the car keys and not even being phased by the nine cars waiting
for your spot in the Trader Joe’s parking lot. No, we may not be faster than a speeding bullet, but we can use the
toilet in less than 1 minute flat. And
we can “fly” sort of. Mostly “off the
handle.” Caillou and carseat buckles are our Kryptonite. What you got now, Man of Steel?
Our Lasso of Truth is built into our beings, and it works hand in hand with our Mallet of Guilt.
Wonder Woman aka Princess Diana of Themyscira is a warrior
princess of the Amazons. There’s no
doubt that moms are warriors, too. Wonder Woman has superior combat and battle skills. We can navigate our way through a crowded
Costco on sample day, and we will battle anyone to protect our kids. Wonder Woman also possesses a number of
weapons including the Lasso of Truth which compels all that come into its
contact to tell the truth. Our Lasso of
Truth is built into our beings, and it works hand in hand with our Mallet of
Guilt. She may have bulletproof bracelets, but we have learned to develop
really great coping mechanisms (wine).
We can withstand hearing “MOMMY!” up to 78 times before we lose our shit.
In order to stop evil he must sometimes break the laws himself. Boy, do we know a thing or two
about that. It’s called circumventing a
disastrous tantrum in public by giving your 2-year-old gummy bears right before
lunch or buying her the $14 Olaf toothbrush holder at the grocery store just so
you can grab the last two items on your list. Just like Batman, we are phenomenal crime solvers, experts at interrogation and are known to use our frightening appearances to get answers. Batman intimidated with his triple weave
Kevlar Batsuit and piercing stare. We
use our “Look, I haven’t had coffee, or brushed my hair” half-about-to-rage,
half-about-to-cry, but all the way around mentally infirm face. And as Batman can withstand mind control, we
can withstand hearing “MOMMY!” up to 78 times before we lose our shit.
We moms can become “invisible” spies through all types of camouflaging techniques.
The Invisible Woman, aka Susan Storm can render herself as
well as others invisible mostly for espionage purposes. We moms can become
“invisible” spies through all types of camouflaging techniques—the “I’m
asleep” technique sometimes works on
older kids, the “move across the room behind a big overstuffed dog” maneuver is
mildly successful with ages 3 and under, but we don’t really have to be
invisible to spy effectively. I mean, it's well known that moms have eyes in the
back of our heads. If we really wanted to, we could use our “cloak of
invisibility” aka hide under our bed. We
can also make others nearly invisible as we “pretend to not see” a lot of weird
things that our kids do.
Yup, we can lay the Hulk Smash down.
Bruce Banner transforms into the Hulk, a big green humanoid,
under severe emotional stress. We assure
you, we have the capacity to turn into a big green asshole when pushed to the
emotional limit. Yup, we can lay the Hulk
Smash down. So stand down and be cool,
and let mommy finish her coffee, please.
Moms can definitely control the temperature of the environment with their moods.
Storm has the psionic ability to control the weather. She can alter the temperature of any
environment and can bring about tornadoes, thunderstorms and hurricanes. She can also dissipate bad weather and create
clear, sunny skies. Moms can definitely
control the temperature of the environment with their moods. When we are happy, it seems the household
enjoys blue skies and sunshine. But when
we’re stressed out or when our children have been crossed, hold on and take
cover because a tsunami is about to hit.
She can stretch her body up to 100 feet and reshape her body
in a myriad of ways. We too are known for shifting our shape in three trimesters of
pregnancy and in the ups and downs of the battle with that pesky baby weight. We can also become paper
thin when forced by a sprawled out toddler to sleep on a half-inch surface area of
the very edge of the bed.