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9 New Years Resolutions This Mom's Guaranteed to Break

It’s that time of year again, so let’s wipe the slate clean and set some personal goals for 2015, shall we? As a first-time mom, I’m always looking to up my game, and I know I have lots of room for improvement. Of course, with every well-intentioned resolution comes the realization of just how easily I’ll screw it up.

1. No more using TV as a babysitter - If I need to occupy my daughter while I do some work, I’ll just set up a quick craft. Except that art projects nearly always lead to glitter in the floorboards, Play-Doh in my fingernails and “washable” (yeah right) paint all over my kid, while the TV just has that neat little on/off switch. Hmmm.

2. I will be more patient – When my preschooler asks me the same question 17 times in a row, I will not holler her first name in exasperation like it’s a swear word. I will calmly say, “Asked and answered, sweetie.” Because I’m sure that will work flawlessly to stop the madness.

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3. No more short-order cooking at dinner – My kid is notorious for requesting pasta ten seconds after I plate her quesadilla, but with baby #2 on the way, I’ve got to put my foot down on specialty meals. At least until that sad little puppy face implores, “But I’m hunnnngry.”

4. I won’t check my email/texts/Facebook in front of my kid – The latest Kardashian nudity scandal is never more important that what my 3-year-old is saying—it just seems that way at the time. So I’m turning off those chirpy notifications and hiding my phone. Except whenever another Cosby accuser comes forward. I’m all over that.

It’s time I either planned ahead and brought fresh fruit and crudité, or simply refused my child snacks until mealtime. Unless the drive is more than 20 minutes. Or I have a headache. Or we pass a drive-thru.

5. No more mindless snacking in the car – I’m in the horrible habit of doling out nutrient-free snacks like pretzels and Goldfish whenever we’re driving. I do this in the name of peace and quiet. It’s time I either planned ahead and brought fresh fruit and crudité or simply refused my child snacks until mealtime. Unless the drive is more than 20 minutes. Or I have a headache. Or we pass a drive-thru.

6. I’ll get more creative with school lunches – I feel bad about my daughter’s monotonous rotation of PB&J and turkey & cheese. Well, not that bad, since I’m usually feeding most of her sandwiches to the trash can when she gets home. What the hell do these kids do at lunchtime, if not eat lunch?

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7. The kid has to sleep in her own bed – It’s so much better for everyone’s night sleep. Unless of course she’s sick. Or had a bad dream. Or I’m just too damn tired to walk back to her room. Otherwise, definitely in her own bed.

8. No more scorekeeping with my husband – I know there is nothing positive or productive about me whining, “But I did bath time last night.” That is, unless I’m successful in guilting him into doing tonight’s bath time. Then it’s kind of a great strategy.

9. I’m going to organize the 10,000 photos I’ve taken of my daughter, all before our new baby arrives – You know, print some out and put them in albums, or make those cool digital photo books for each year of her life. OK, I can barely write this one with a straight face, I am laughing too hard at how much I’m never going to do it.

Moms, I hope I’ve motivated and inspired you (LOL). What are your New Year’s resolutions?

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