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7 Reasons I Hate Wearing a Bra

bra

When I was 13, I was desperate to wear a bra, even if it meant stuffing an A-cup with toilet paper to compensate for my flat chest. These days, all I want to do is remove my bra. Desperately. Sometimes I can’t even wait to get home and I’ll whip off my bra in the car (using the same through-the-sleeve trick that Jennifer Beals employed in "Flashdance"—it’s magic!).

I am blessed with reasonably perky, smallish boobs that can hold their own without much support. The only things getting in my way of total bralessness are my nipples, which can turn a conservative outfit into a wet T-shirt contest just by saying hello. So I brave the bra, even though I hate it, for many, many reasons:

1. The underwire is trying to kill me – I’ve heard men complain that they feel choked by their neckties. Well, how would they like having a wire bound around their solar plexus? My bras cut off my circulation and make me short of breath, like some turn-of-the-century woman in a corset. I don’t know if this is a fluke of my anatomy or a poor fit, but decades of bra experimentation have done nothing to solve the problem.

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2. They’re itchy – Even the smoothest, lace-free styles irritate my sensitive skin, making me claw at my back like a self-grooming monkey. Very attractive in public.

3. The straps give me back fat – Naked, I look OK. Stick a bra on me and all of a sudden there are weird pockets of flesh oozing out the sides. Maybe my skin is just trying to get away from my bra? (see #2)

I’ve heard men complain that they feel choked by their neckties. Well, how would they like having a wire bound around their solar plexus?

4. My boobs feel smushed – Bras are too constricting. To me, it’s like wearing stilettos on my feet all day—I’d much rather be wearing flip-flops or, better yet, be barefoot!

5. Peekaboo moments – Sure, Carrie Bradshaw wore her bra straps as an intentional accessory, but this over-40 mom should probably not be flashing lingerie at the playground. So why do my bras seem to poke out of every shirt I own that’s not a turtleneck? Are they trying to get a suntan or what?

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6. They’re a pain to wash - If I hand wash and line dry my bras, they will last like three times longer than if I just throw them in the machine. Who the hell has time for that?

7. Even sports bras bug me – At this point you might be thinking, hey bra wuss, how about just wearing a cotton Lycra sports bra? They’re super comfortable. Well you would be WRONG. Sports bras just make me sweat, even before I start exercising. Maybe I am wearing them inside out and they are wicking moisture towards me instead of away. I don’t know.

Clearly I am this close to slapping two pieces of masking tape over my headlights and burning my bras. But if you have a life-changing recommendation, do leave it here.

Image via Twenty20/jebrule

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