When I was
13, I was desperate to wear a bra, even if it meant stuffing an A-cup with
toilet paper to compensate for my flat chest. These days, all I want to do is remove my bra. Desperately. Sometimes I can’t even wait to get home and I’ll whip off my bra in the
car (using the same through-the-sleeve trick that Jennifer Beals employed in "Flashdance"—it’s magic!).
I am blessed
with reasonably perky, smallish boobs that can hold their own without much support.
The only things getting in my way of total bralessness are my nipples, which
can turn a conservative outfit into a wet T-shirt contest just by saying
hello. So I brave the bra, even though I
hate it, for many, many reasons:
1. The underwire is trying to kill me – I’ve heard men complain that they feel choked by their
neckties. Well, how would they like
having a wire bound around their solar plexus? My bras cut off my circulation and make me short of breath, like some
turn-of-the-century woman in a corset. I
don’t know if this is a fluke of my anatomy or a poor fit, but decades of bra
experimentation have done nothing to solve the problem.
2. They’re itchy –
Even the smoothest, lace-free styles irritate my sensitive skin, making me claw
at my back like a self-grooming monkey. Very attractive in public.
3. The straps give me back fat – Naked, I look OK. Stick a bra on me and all of a sudden there are weird pockets of flesh
oozing out the sides. Maybe my skin is
just trying to get away from my bra? (see #2)
I’ve heard men complain that they feel choked by their neckties. Well, how would they like having a wire bound around their solar plexus?
4. My boobs feel smushed – Bras are too constricting. To
me, it’s like wearing stilettos on my feet all day—I’d much rather be wearing
flip-flops or, better yet, be barefoot!
5. Peekaboo moments – Sure, Carrie Bradshaw wore her bra straps as an intentional accessory,
but this over-40 mom should probably not be flashing lingerie at the
playground. So why do my bras seem to
poke out of every shirt I own that’s not a turtleneck? Are they trying to get a
suntan or what?
6. They’re a pain to wash- If I hand wash
and line dry my bras, they will last like three times longer than if I just
throw them in the machine. Who the hell
has time for that?
7. Even sports bras bug me – At this point you might be thinking, hey bra wuss, how
about just wearing a cotton Lycra sports bra? They’re super comfortable. Well
you would be WRONG. Sports bras just
make me sweat, even before I start exercising. Maybe I am wearing them inside out and they are wicking moisture towards
me instead of away. I don’t know.
Clearly I am this
close to slapping two pieces of masking tape over my headlights and burning my
bras. But if you have a life-changing
recommendation, do leave it here.