Surprise, I’m early! You can imagine how my mom and dad, actors Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds (swoon!), felt when I gave them a holiday
surprise. Truth be told, all that time in
the womb was getting boring. My mom has
her own lifestyle website and my dad makes like four movies a month. I’m genetically predisposed to getting things
done. Anyone can spend nine months swimming in their own urine in their mom’s tummy.
I’m ready to get out there and make my mark, just like Mom and Dad.
Since I’ve been alive for a few days, I’ve been thinking
about what to do with my time. I could try acting, but am I ever really going
to be as good at it as Dad? Plus, child actors always end up crazy or in jail. (I suspect already that I don’t look good in orange).
I’ve even thought about starting my own lifestyle website,
but that’s kind of Mom’s thing. Plus, my fine motor skills are only a few days
old. I think that’s going to make blogging tough.
So I got to thinking about what I could do really well, even
though I’m a newborn. And that’s when it came to me: I can be beautiful! I mean, let’s face it: My parents are two of
the most gorgeous people in the world. My mom killed the red carpet with her pregnancy style (Boom!). There’s just no way I’m going to grow up to
have backne and a unibrow. I’m pretty
much a lock for “best looking” in the class of 2033.
But not every baby is going to be so lucky. Not every baby
will will genetic gene pool lottery, but that doesn’t mean every baby can’t try. So
here are my tips on how to be a beautiful baby, just like me.
1. You’re never too young to moisturize.
Just because you’re only a few hours old doesn’t mean you should settle for flaky skin.
Your pediatrician is going to tell you all that flaky newborn baby skin is totally
normal and that it will go away. Your doctor might be right, but who wants to
risk being ashy in one of the 10,000 iPhone photos your parents are going to
take of you during your first three days of life? Not me and not you. So
moisturize! Just because you’re only a few hours old doesn’t mean you should
settle for flaky skin.
2. Avoid being cross-eyed in your first day of life photo.
Don’t worry, every baby
(except me and one of the Beckhams) looks like a cross-eyed alien in his or her
first day of life photo. So uncross those eyes before you’re stuck with an “I’m
just born” photo that makes you look like a creature.
3. Learn to sit up so you won’t always look like you have a double or triple chin.
Sitting up isn’t just a milestone. It’s
a remedy for always looking like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. So get to work and
strengthen that body. All those chins aren’t cute.
4. Take your hands out of your mouth, for goodness sake!
Whether you just like having your entire hand in your mouth
or you’re numbing that teething sensation, no one is at his or her best with a
limb in their mouth. So take that hand out of your mouth and let everyone see
that gorgeous face.
5. Diapers make you look heavy.
There’s nothing less thinning than a diaper, and every beautiful baby should be thin. So the faster you get yourself using
that toilet, the faster you’ll slim down and Grandma will stop calling you
6. Don’t get bangs.
Mom and Dad will say bangs make you look
younger. You’re an infant. You don’t
need to look younger. Plus bangs are super
for the first 12 hours after you get them. Then you wash your hair and your
bangs look like wilted fringe hanging from your head. If you have to throw a temper tantrum at the
hair salon, do it, but don’t get bangs. You’re welcome.
Parents are like paparazzi. They’ll follow you everywhere trying to get a photo. So just make a rule
to always smile, even if you have gas. You’d hate for Facebook to be filled
with pictures of your frowning. (Plus frowning causes wrinkles, even in