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Dear Son, Revenge is Waiting

My Dear Son:

Someday, with a bit of luck, you will be an adult and I will be an old woman. And when that time comes, I am going to enact my revenge upon thee. I’m going to reciprocate everything you ever did to me and see how you like it.

· I will move into your house and yell loudly at night every few hours. Then when you come in to ask me what’s wrong, I will just look at you, and maybe even smile.

RELATED: 10 Things That Annoy Me as a Parent

· When it’s time for us to go somewhere and we’re in that sweet spot between almost on-time and almost running late and we’re about to head out the door, I will tell you that I have to poop. (You will be lucky that I'm warning you so we have enough time to get to the toilet.)

· When you set me up on a play date with the mother of one of your friends, I will hit her and not share any of my wine with her. If you shake her hand or give her any attention I’m going to yell “HEY!” and sit on your lap.

· When you make me a nice meal and place it in front of me, I’m going to look you dead in the eye and throw it on the floor, bit by bit.

After you have made me another nice meal and presented it to me, I will look at you coyly and say “How about a PB&J?”

· I will ask you to hand me a book. “Not that book!” I’ll yell, when you hand it to me. Then, when you take it away, I’ll start to cry and yell more. “I want the book!” Why can’t you anticipate my needs?!

· You will buy me an expensive haircut at a special place for old women that is not anywhere close to where you live. Then I will force my hair to grow three inches before the week is over.

· I will eat the last pancake. Then I will cry when you tell me there are no more pancakes.

· I will make you squeeze the bottom of an apple sauce packet while you’re driving me somewhere because I want more applesauce but don’t feel like squeezing harder.

RELATED: I Refuse to Cook a Second Dinner—So Far

· After you have made me another nice meal and presented it to me, I will look at you coyly and say “How about a PB&J?”




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