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Moms Say the Darndest Things

Being a mom is the best thing that has happened to me. It's even better than catching a sweaty Backstreet Boys T-shirt (which I have done) or waiting on the Dalai Lama (he ordered lamb chops and hot water).

I feel tired on a regular basis and am constantly in need of a nap. But it's worth it: when Jagger, Dautry and Nikos are around, I feel at peace.

Sometimes I feel like God gave me kids because I'm a great mom. Other times, I think he was just giving me more material for my stand-up comedy routine. No one has made me laugh more than my kids have. Sometimes I regret what I say. But If I feel I have crossed the line, I have no problem apologizing.

The sad truth about raising my kids is that I can’t remember many events that should have been memorable. So my goal this year is to write them down and, next New Year’s Eve, we can all go over the events that have made a lasting impression.

Here is my list thus far:

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"No, you cannot watch Tracy take a shower." (My son Jagger seems to think he is dating my girlfriend.)

"Do not sit on your sister's face."

"Put that away at the dinner table."

"Jagger, you can’t love your Ritz crackers more than your Mama."

"You don’t like brown hair because it reminds you of poop?" (My 7-year-old's reason for why she prefers blondes. She has forgotten that Tracy and I are both brunettes.)

“Niko, I do have self control. I won't eat all the Oreos while you are at mommy's house.” (A lie I told my child defending my addiction to Oreos.)

"Yes, diet coke is bad for you, but I still drink it anyway. I don’t know why." —Being called out by your kids is never fun.

"Give me the remote. When I was your age I had to actually move off of the sofa to change the channel."

"Get your hands out of your pants."

"If you don’t do what I say, I will pee on you." (Kids immediately did what I said. Crazy always wins.)

"Put that toy away or we will see if it can fly!" (In the past, they have seen that most toys thrown out in the yard cannot fly.)

"I don’t care if it tickles. Get your hands out of your pants."

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"You are not allowed to wipe your own butt until you are 30!"

"For the love of God, shut your hole." (Not my proudest moment, but the kids seemed to think it was funny. Me having a breakdown is comical.)

"Shut up!" (A phrase I never thought would come out of my mouth to my children. I couldn’t believe it.)

"Don’t sit on your aunt's head without pants on!" (It was too late. Niko loves to torture his aunt.)

"Give me the remote. When I was your age I had to actually move off of the sofa to change the channel."

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"No, you can’t climb into the washing machine to see what the spin cycle is like." (Managing Jagger’s obsession with the washing machine.)

"Stop making out with the dog."

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Image by Stamie Karakasidis

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