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13 Times We Think Our Work Here Is Done

There’s no question that parenting is a lifelong job. Yet sometimes when you’re in the thick of it and your kid manages to hit very specific milestones, you can be lulled into a false sense of finality, as if your job here is done because the worst part is finally over.

However, there’s a good kind of done, where you celebrate having veered off what felt like the road to perdition. And then there’s kind done where you realize, in fact, that not only has your journey into the black hole just begun, but you probably won’t even reach rock bottom in your lifetime.

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The Good

When the baby learns to latch on: Yeah! I won’t stave her to death!

When the baby finally sleeps through the night: And they said parenting was hard. Ha.

When the baby stops needing baby food: Just make one meal for everyone, you say? Why, yes, I think I will, thankyouverymuch.

When the toddler is potty trained: Buh-bye, Pampers. We’re rich!

When you stop paying for daycare/preschool: We’re richer!

When they’re finally old enough to drive: You left something at school? Oh, then you go back into the mob of rush hour traffic and get it yourself.

The Bad

When the baby starts walking: Gentleman, latch your gates.

When the kid gets homework: Goodbye, any hope of after-school peace. Hello, maddening fights rationalizing with an unreasonable, irritable child.

When the tween feels left out/leaves someone else out: This feeling of your heart breaking into a million pieces can’t last forever. Right? Right? Anyone? Bueller?

When a teen gets a pimple before their homecoming/first date/school picture day: Sure, that thing the size of Mt. Everest will go away, honey. But in the meantime, please do feel free to continue screaming irrationally about how it’s inexplicably my fault your life is ruined.

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When they start asking for money: You put away all the money you saved on diapers and daycare, right? Because you’re going to need to fork it over to them, plus take out another few mortgages on your home in order to keep them clothed, fed (and insert activity here) it now.

When they’re finally old enough to drive: Remember what it was like when they didn’t sleep at night? Now you can’t sleep again. Until they get home. Which, at this point, feels like it will be never.

The Ugly

One word: adolescence

Image via Twenty20/icantakeyouthere

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