about supporting other moms and being open-minded about different types of
parenting, however, I’m calling bullshit on Melody Lauer’s baby-wearing,
gun-carrying workshop. You know, the
class where she teaches you how to safely carry a gun and a baby! There’s a laundry list of things I can’t
carry safely with my baby, like a glass of wine, cell phone, anything white, the list
goes on and on. Technically, I’ve never
tried to carry a gun and my baby simultaneously but I’m going to go out on a
limb and say it’s not something I can do safely.
states, “We have seen a huge insurgence [sic] in young mothers—mothers of young
children, wanting to get into firearms.” Let me fix this problem for you, Melody. How about you teach a Zumba class and teach these young mothers about
real problems like cellulite?
She goes on
to advise, “If you have a baby on one side, it’s best to have a gun on the
other side.” Sch-sch—that’s the sound of
me scratching my head. I didn’t even
take the class and I know that I should keep the gun on the opposite side from
my baby. Other things that I should keep
on the opposite side of my body away from my baby? Porn, Skittles and measles.
I just can’t take it seriously. Nobody is trying to attack you or your baby.
My guess is
that Lauer’s goal is to make women feel safe and empowered. Here are some hard facts to put your mind at
ease and things into perspective:
There is a 1
in 514,147 chance that you will die this year from a firearm. Slightly alarming, but if you run in a
zigzag pattern away from the gun you can improve your odds of survival.
There is a 1 in 8,100 chance
of naturally having triplets. Oh. My.
God. It doesn’t matter what pattern in
run in, I don’t know if I could survive triplets. Which side of my body would I hold all of the
babies on if I wanted to also hold a gun?
There is a 1
in 104 chance of being audited by the IRS. I’m not an expert, but I’m guessing if you try to write off your
baby-wearing, gun-carrying workshop it could raise a red flag. Please check with your Human Resource Department
to see if the class qualifies for your Flex Spending Account.
this subject is no joking matter. But I just
can’t take it seriously. Nobody is
trying to attack you or your baby. If
anything, some crazy person might want to steal your purse—big deal. It’s likely filled with a granola bar, two
Wet Wipes that have dried out and a ChapStick that you’ve convinced yourself can
qualify for a lip gloss.