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A Baby-Wearing, Gun-Carrying Workshop? I Call BS

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I’m all about supporting other moms and being open-minded about different types of parenting, however, I’m calling bullshit on Melody Lauer’s baby-wearing, gun-carrying workshop. You know, the class where she teaches you how to safely carry a gun and a baby! There’s a laundry list of things I can’t carry safely with my baby, like a glass of wine, cell phone, anything white, the list goes on and on. Technically, I’ve never tried to carry a gun and my baby simultaneously but I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s not something I can do safely.

Lauer states, “We have seen a huge insurgence [sic] in young mothers—mothers of young children, wanting to get into firearms.” Let me fix this problem for you, Melody. How about you teach a Zumba class and teach these young mothers about real problems like cellulite?

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She goes on to advise, “If you have a baby on one side, it’s best to have a gun on the other side.” Sch-sch—that’s the sound of me scratching my head. I didn’t even take the class and I know that I should keep the gun on the opposite side from my baby. Other things that I should keep on the opposite side of my body away from my baby? Porn, Skittles and measles.

I just can’t take it seriously. Nobody is trying to attack you or your baby.

My guess is that Lauer’s goal is to make women feel safe and empowered. Here are some hard facts to put your mind at ease and things into perspective:

There is a 1 in 514,147 chance that you will die this year from a firearm. Slightly alarming, but if you run in a zigzag pattern away from the gun you can improve your odds of survival.

There is a 1 in 8,100 chance of naturally having triplets. Oh. My. God. It doesn’t matter what pattern in run in, I don’t know if I could survive triplets. Which side of my body would I hold all of the babies on if I wanted to also hold a gun?

There is a 1 in 104 chance of being audited by the IRS. I’m not an expert, but I’m guessing if you try to write off your baby-wearing, gun-carrying workshop it could raise a red flag. Please check with your Human Resource Department to see if the class qualifies for your Flex Spending Account.

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Obviously this subject is no joking matter. But I just can’t take it seriously. Nobody is trying to attack you or your baby. If anything, some crazy person might want to steal your purse—big deal. It’s likely filled with a granola bar, two Wet Wipes that have dried out and a ChapStick that you’ve convinced yourself can qualify for a lip gloss.

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