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It all started when I saw the grand piano. A literal baby grand, it looked nicer than the real piano I had practiced on as a child, yet it was meant for children just 4 years and up, the burgeoning prodigies of the next generation. I wondered—as I sheepishly added it to my 9-month-old's Amazon wish list—is it really prudent to spend $200 on an instrument for a 4-year-old when I could barely commit to my piano and clarinet lessons in fourth grade?
Then I read and article online about Butternut magazine, a foodie magazine for toddlers that has already been fully funded on Kickstarter.
Then I wondered if mommies everywhere had gone off their damn rockers.
So I did some Internet window-shopping (which totally counted as work—because, blog post research) and found 10 more baby products that are too damn swanky for my baby.
1. Red Enzo Ferrari 12v
Until recently, my ride was a 2003 Mitsubishi Galant with a missing hubcap and a faulty air conditioning/heating system. After Em was born, I upgraded to a Subaru Outback because it felt safer. Plus the heated seats made me feel fancy. So no. I'm not buying my daughter this $589 Ferrari. Because if she wants a car that's nicer than mine, she needs to earn it.
2. Jennifer Delonge Child's Parker Sofa
This $1,039 sofa looks eerily similar to the $600 chaise lounge I used to dream about purchasing for my home office, a dream I eventually let go of because it was impractical. The only things my baby is sitting on these days? The floor. The play mat. The high chair. The car seat. The stroller. The Jumperoo. The Bumbo. The Pack 'n' Play. The End.
3. Lobster Bubble Onesie
No, there's nothing inherently ludicrous about a onesie, even one that looks as if it were designed to be worn on an outing to the Hamptons. But I feel like maybe we shouldn't be spending $99 on a piece of clothing that will only fit for maybe several months, and which will probably get poop on it. Hell, I wear $12 jeggings from CVS, and I expect those things to last me for the rest of eternity. Now that's a good deal.
4. Ralph Lauren Cable Cashmere Baby Blanket
No, you guys. NO. Babies aren't even allowed to have blankets in their cribs because it's considered a safety hazard. Plus you probably received at least 10 handmade blankets from friends and family when she was born. ($295)
5. Carousel Tiger
Forget the Ferrari. The Ferrari seems like a whimsical and, dare I say it, thrifty option when placed alongside this $7,500 carousel tiger. In fact, I feel as if I might be saving money by purchasing the Ferrari. Don't tell my daughter about this tiger. Life is already a carnival.
6. La Belle Au Bois Dormant Coach
Don't tell her about this either. Especially since the website won't even tell me the price ("call for pricing").
Back on planet Earth, we have these $106 satin bathrobes because of course my daughter wears satin bathrobes all the time. To be fair, sizes start at 4 (years old), but I don't think I even wore a bathrobe until I went away to college (because, community showers). Also, my robe was probably $40. At the most.
9. Fairytale Round Crib
My daughter already knows she's the princess of this house. Actually, scratch that. She's the queen. ($3,720)