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There's one thing no one tells you when you're preparing to welcome a baby: They are callous little creatures. Sure, they don't mean to be, but it's just what it is. Babies will roll around in their own spit-up as if they don't have a care in the world, or put their hands on their butts before you're able to wipe away their dirty deeds. And not only do they not mind their own boorish behavior, but they often seem to enjoy it too.
The worst part, though, is not necessarily what they do, but when they do it.
Seriously, it seems like babies only ever lose their proverbial lunch hours and hours after literal lunch—like, in the middle of the night. This, of course, is the time you least want to deal with anything other than good dreams, and definitely not the vomit that curiously managed to land outside of the baby's projectile range and onto the keepsake monogrammed cashmere blanket on the other side of the room.
2. They only puke on carpets.
They never do it on hardwood or tile floors, or anything else that's easily cleaned.
3. Diaper blowouts are reserved for freshly laundered clothes.
4. The bathtub
It's unclear why anyone thinks sitting in a pool of your own filth will actually get you clean. And if you're prone to answering nature's call while in the bathtub, it's even filthier—and a glaring sign that you are, indeed, a baby.
Whatever they can get their hands on they assume is rightly theirs.
5. They're all smiles, until you really need them to be.
They save their most unpleasant demeanor, biggest tantrums and loudest screams for when you're trying to impress a frenemy. Or your mother-in-law.
6. They're all smiles, even when you least want them to be.
The biggest and best smiles are mostly reserved for anytime between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. Sure, a baby's smile is always heartwarming—except when it means you're a smile instead of the inside of your own eyelids.
7. The inconvenient nap
Never wake a sleeping baby—except when your baby insists on falling asleep on the 2-mile ride home from the grocery store, and then they wake up when you stop the car in the driveway because they assume that the 3-minute round of shut-eye was the nap.
8. Their lies
Babies are little liars. Sure, they can't talk, but they cry at you, waving their arms like they will positively languish if you don't lift them up at that moment. And then you lift them up only to realize they just wanted to grab and then yank a fistful of your hair or tug at your shirt until the button pops off. That button, by the way, was the only thing keeping your bra from public view.
You'd like to think your baby will take after you. But their penchants for stealing? They get that from someone else. Whether it's swiping food from another kid or your keys from the front hall, whatever they can get their hands on they assume is rightly theirs, which must be the reason why they suck on or lick it to mark their territory. Oh, that also includes whatever you keep in your bedside drawer or under your bathroom sink that your husband failed to baby-proof. They'll save that big reveal for when your mother-in-law comes to town and has the camera ready. Of course.