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30 Laugh-Out-Loud Real Mom Confessions

There have been plenty of times in my three-and-a-half years as a mom that I have found myself doing or saying things that were A) embarrassing, B) cringeworthy or C) all of the above. We all have our dirty little secrets as moms and we have all no doubt experienced a moment or two where we've experienced guilt over our less-than-stellar parenting moments. It's all part of the solidarity to be found in the beautifully messy journey of parenting.

I definitely have a few of my own, so I thought it would be fun to see what other moms had to say on the topic. I put the question out to my Instagram friends: "Working on a blog post of mom confessions and I'd love to hear your best ones! Feel free to share...think embarrassing parenting moments, dirty little secrets and the like. No judgment!" After posting, I headed out to dinner with a friend. By the time I got home there were more than 70 comments and I had received a ton of emails too! I was seriously laughing out loud as I read through them! Here are 30 of my favorites—real mom confessions at their finest.

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1. "I totally chow down on my kids' kiddie vitamins like they are candy."

2. "When I'm really trying to occupy my kids to get something done or get them to stop whining, I usually let them play with tampons."

3. "My son knows the word 'spicy' now because I tell him things are spicy even when they're not so I can eat an entire meal without sharing."

4. "Midday shot of vodka because I was donezo. Also, one day I ate an entire bag of Reese's mini cups during my baby's nap. Food is comfort—what can I say?"

5. "My son poured water on his sister after being told not to 100 times. I was so annoyed that I poured water on HIM!"

6. "I eat junk food like french fries and ice cream after I take the kids to school."

7. "My 4-year-old ate dog poop when he was 13 months old. I called nurse advice in a panic and she laughed. She said he's be totally fine and apologized for laughing, but it's not every day you get a phone call about a child eating dog poop."

8. "I put the kids to bed at 6:30 so I can have 4 uninterrupted hours of 'me time' every night."

9. "My 3-year-old found my vibrator and came running into the kitchen SO excited like, 'Wasss disss mama?!'''

10. "My daughter smeared poop on my face while I was sleeping."

11. "I still haven't sent thank-you notes from my daughter's birthday ... in January. I told her grandparents they got lost in the mail."

12. "When I was in my Irish dancing class the other day, I found a Lego Duplo in my sports bra midway through class. I seriously have no idea how it got there!"

13. "My 6-year-old went next door to play with the neighbor kids and it wasn't until they brought him home an hour later that I found out they weren't even there. Their back door was unlocked so he just let himself in and played in their house by himself for an hour."

14. "Whenever I take a shower, I make sure to shave my pits. That way I can tell how long it's been since my last shower."

15. "It's not uncommon for our boys to be strapped into high chairs with snacks and 'Daniel Tiger' on while we enjoy a 5-minute knocking-of-boots in the other room."

16. "Some days, I am just too tired to deal with proper meals, especially towards the end of pregnancy with my second and now with a newborn, so I put a blanket on the floor in the television room and give my 2-year-old daughter crackers, fruit and chicken nuggets as a 'picnic' just so I can relax and watch trashy TV, or I turn on Disney Junior so I can go on Facebook or Instagram in peace."

17. "Two years ago, my 4-year-old tripped and fell and somehow scraped his knee on a random carpet nail. The 'scrape' was so deep that at first look, I could tell it would require stitches. I quickly swooped him up and threw him in his car seat while he cried and cried. I rushed him to what I thought was urgent care. Turns out it's not an urgent care on the weekdays. I had to put my son back in the car and head over to a different urgent care. Well, by this time, he had stopped crying and was seemingly fine. I was frantic, however, and quickly whipped a u-turn at a light. Here comes the lovely police officer to pull me over because apparently in Oregon you can't make a u-turn at every light. The cop pulling me over made me more frantic. I was flipped out and just wanted to get to the urgent care. Since my son wasn't crying, I didn't think the cop would let me go so—here it is—I leaned back to my son and pressed really hard on his leg to induce crying. Yes, you read that correctly: I induced pain to get out of the ticket. The cop saw my face and my son crying and let us go. I'm awful."

18. "I actually believe I'm a better mom than most of my mom friends."

19. "To get my 3-year-old to do pretty much anything these days (brush teeth, go to bed, etc.), I have to scare her by telling her the big bad giant is coming to get her if she doesn't. I even muffle my voice and do a closed-mouth, deep-voiced 'feeee-fiiii-fooo-fummmmm', make a stomping sound and everything. Poor thing. I feel like such a jerk but as a last resort it always works."

20. "On really trying days, I like to bring in my toddler's car seat for a reinforced time-out chair."

21. "I don't throw away old Starbucks cups in my van, just in case I'm held hostage by two sleeping toddlers and have to pee."

22. "When my son won't go to his awesome playroom filled with toys and play by himself, I throw a bunch of them into garbage bags and put them outside, telling him I'll give them to his friends or other kids who actually want to play with them."

23. "When I was 21 weeks pregnant, I got norovirus and stuck one of my son's diapers in my underwear when my husband was going to drive me to the hospital. Thankfully we decided not to go so I could return home with my dignity (somewhat) intact."

24. "I will ask my husband to keep an eye on our daughter for a minute while I use the bathroom. Normally I'm out in under two minutes, but sometimes I just sit there looking at my phone."

25. "Once, we ran out of milk and I was too exhausted to pack up the circus and go to the store, so I put half-and-half in my daughter's sippy cup."

26. "My husband was gone and I was exhausted, so naturally I forgot to bathe the baby for two weeks."

27. "For awhile I had my toddler convinced that chocolate was 'medicine.' Too bad that didn't last."

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28. "I had my son in a baby Bjorn carrier and was shopping at Walmart. We were in the checkout lane and all of a sudden he had a huge poop explosion that shot out of his diaper, through the side of the carrier, all down my pants and into a puddle on the floor. I was in total shock and of course did not have any wipes on me. I frantically tried to clean us up with tissues while the person behind me kindly asked for a clean-up on aisle two. At that point I had to ditch my cart and head home or go ahead with it. I decided that since it couldn't get any worse, I may as well just soldier through."

29. "In the mornings, I just lay on the couch with the blanket over my head while my toddler trashes the house because it's too damn early."

30. "Someone in the household (not to be named) was washing the dishes while watching the kids play out the window. Our 2-year-old son came up to the door and said something about being dirty. This person (not to be named) confirmed that he looked dirty, but decided to finish the dishes before cleaning him up. Our son just stood there with a weird look on his face staring at this person for a couple minutes. Finally, they went over to him and noticed that the dirt was moving and he was covered in ants."

Have any confessions of your own? Feel free to share in the comments below and let's all enjoy a little motherhood solidarity!

Image via Twenty20/ajfernando

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