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Its been a while since I have written anything about my Mom. It's not that I don't think about her anymore, in fact it is quite the opposite.
She is on my mind every day. Her memories still dominate my life. Her absence, still a pain. Yes, nothing has changed.
If anything, it's been more frequent lately. My children remind me of her. I see a much younger me in them, and without question, she is there. Her presence taunts me as I mother them with care during the day. Feigning ignorance, I play with my kids, feed them, and put them to sleep lovingly at night; she is watching.
My Mom waits as I tippy toe out of their rooms in the dark and close the door gently behind. I know she hovers around with carefully chosen words ready to be hurled at my direction.
I am now ready at this wee hour of night. I will not push this moment away any longer. Turning ever so slowly, I look her in the eye. My Mom opens her mouth, and I quickly look down. I do not want to see her face as she says, "You will never be a good mother, my dear. You will never make it. After all, you are my daughter. That tells you, you are not good enough."
My breath chokes as my lungs tighten with grief. I feel a tear and it starts burning my eyes. I smell failure, fear, and resignation. I look up, but she is long gone. Yet I know she will be back tomorrow. And day after, and day after that; I will hear my fateful life sentencing from her mouth every night.
And I will die a thousand deaths in its wake for the rest of my life.
I am now all alone, hunched down on the floor, a few feet away from where my kids are sleeping. The world is asleep with them. I welcome the quiet of this hour when nothing is moving.
I can hear my heart beating. I can hear the rhythm of my breath. For some reason, I sense peace, surprisingly. Maybe the quiet did it, or it could be just the calm before the storm.
Whatever the reason is, I have this sudden urge to sweep into my kids' room to watch them sleep. I feel confident that my Mom won't find out as she is already a millions miles away; she can't torment me when I am with my kids. I get up slowly and walk cautiously towards their room.
I see them, just as I expected in their bed. They will not abandon me as my Mom abandoned me and my brother when we were little.
I will always have my kids, close to my heart.They will always have me as their Mom for as long as they want. It is a promise I intend to keep.
Watching their deep and peaceful slumberous faces gives me strength to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness for not being good enough as my Mom said.
Is it really true? A tiny voice whimpers inside. I don't know. I really don't.
But I know one thing for sure. There is always tomorrow, isn't it? I can try a bit more harder. I will give all I have to be the best Mom I can ever be to my kids.