Breastfeeding Awareness Month! Surely,
you're already aware of the health benefits, so I'm here to share one of the
lesser known perks of breastfeeding: it can totally get out of stuff. Things you really don't feeling like doing. It's the adult version of telling your gym
teacher that you can't participate today because you're surfing the crimson
Now, the truth is, we breastfeeders are superwomen who can
whip a boob out on a street corner if necessary to soothe our babies. But let's keep that between us, okay? Sometimes mama needs an excuse to peace
out. Here are 10 not-so-fun things you can skip while nursing:
1. Bedtime routine for older kids – I have a preschooler
who is amazing all day and a holy terror at night. It takes about 8 books, 7 made up stories, 6 negotiations,
5 backrubs, 4 long bouts of stalling, 3 tantrums, 2 minutes of straight up begging
and a partridge in a pear tree to get her into bed every night. Guess who's in charge of that shitshow now
that I'm nursing a new baby? Daddy!
2. The dishes – Ditto the after dinner
clean-up. I'm amazed I can get dinner on
the table at all, frankly, and I'm usually eating it one-handed with our bambina
on my lap, trying not to spill spaghetti on her. Once it's time to scrub pots and load the
dishwasher, I conveniently realize that the baby needs to nurse.
3. Making small talk – Stuck babbling about the
weather at the neighborhood block party? Time to breastfeed!
4. Listening to solicitors – You know that feeling
of dread when your doorbell rings around dinnertime and you just know it's
someone from Greenpeace trying to save the whales and you simply do not have the time, money
or interest to hear out their well-meaning 20-minute spiel at the moment? Just answer the door half naked, holding a hungry baby. Stops the
conversation before it even starts.
If you miss eating for two as a pregnant lady, don't worry, you still kind of are.
5. Evening plans – Hey, actress friend, I'm sure
that mime version of "Hamlet" that you're starring in is great and all, but the
baby really needs me at night… cluster feeding…you understand.
6. Jury Duty – DUH.
7. Hangovers – Okay, chances are you're not out
raging every weekend when you have a new baby, but say you've actually managed
to show up at a birthday dinner/bachelorette party/girls' night out and
everyone's getting more loaded than you can possibly handle the next morning, Your lactating boobs are your
no-explanations-needed two drink maximum.
8. Marathon family gatherings – Those
multi-generational holidays can be so rewarding--and exhausting. Fantasizing about escaping the crowd and
laying down in the spare bedroom on top of everyone's coats? Great, so is your baby who's hungry.
9. Dieting – If you miss eating for two as a
pregnant lady, don't worry, you still kind of are. Food and beverages make the milk factory run,
so don't skimp on meals, and don't even think about depriving yourself. Instead
of counting calories, count yourself lucky you can still get away with ordering
the fettucine alfredo.
10. That terrible TV show your husband likes – I love
hanging out with my man, but I hate watching (A) Most sports (B) The History
Channel (C) Documentaries about Alaskan bush people (D) All of the above. "Oh, honey, you know I love that part where
they throw the ball/catch the Nazis/haul goats, but the baby needs to nurse in
dark, quiet room. See ya!"