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The Lies We Tell Ourselves as New Moms

Each time a friend announces the arrival of their first baby, I excitedly coo, smile and send my congrats. It's such an awesomely special and cozy time, I know. I also can't help but smirk. They'll "get it" now.

They'll get why I can't make happy hour (or brunch, or dinner, or … well, can you squeeze us in at 7-9 a.m.? Or maybe 3-5 p.m.?). They'll no longer judge the rotting, stinking mess that has accumulated in the backseat of my car. Or my extra 10 (er, 20) pounds and general frazzled state.

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Before baby arrived they may have lived in the same terrifically out-of-touch vision of parenthood that I did. You know, the one where you can avoid the pitfalls you see other, lazier, less smart parents falling prey to.

The one where a fish stick never touches your toddler's lips, where you do not punch the side of the car, denting it, when the newly mobile baby refuses the car seat for the thousandths time that week by arching his back and twisting away while screaming in protest. (Did I mention it's a new car?)

The one where you continue to go to the movies regularly as a couple. Isn't that what babysitters are for?

Ah, the lies we tell ourselves. Well, get ready mama. You think you won't, but you very likely will succumb to all those messy, unattractive parenting habits that you were so sure you could avoid. A few of my own expectations shared below dissolved in short order by two fabulously opinionated and viciously active kids who arrived in two years.

1. My house will never be that dirty.

2. My car will never be that dirty.

3. I will NEVER ditch my non-parent friends.

4. Nor do that annoying baby talk thing.

5. And I won't talk nonstop about my kids.

6. Or poop.

7. Or text each other photos of child's poop.

8. Of course I will shower every day. Who can't find time for a shower? Really.

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9. There's no way I'd bribe my kid with screen time to gain a measly 10 minutes of sleep, 10 minutes of quiet, 10 minutes to shower, dress and respond to that very important work email.

10. I will not plan EVERYTHING around a mini human's nap schedule.

11. Yes, our dog will remain the spoiled fur baby he always was.

12. There will be no chicken nuggets in my grocery cart – or on my own dinner plate. We're foodies after all.

13. And certainly, I would never, ever rock mom jeans.

Images via Rose Gordon Sala

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