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5 Ways Your Baby Will Destroy You

Photograph by Twenty20

Children are magical, adorable little human beings who ruin you forever. And I don't mean that metaphorically. They will ruin you. After two children, I still can't sneeze without peeing. Whoever reads that and thinks "do kegels" should be shot. Because kegels are a lie of the patriarchy and they do nothing.

And while you may have been prepared for the violence that pregnancy and childbirth do on your body, no one warns you about all the injury when your kids start beating you up. Here are some of the possible ways that your children can and will cause you bodily harm.

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1. Sharp tiny nails

When my daughter was 6 months old, she grabbed the inside of my nostril and held on for dear life. When I finally extracted her hand it was covered in blood—my blood. I've had friends tell of children scratching them and cutting them with their tiny death grips. Another friend of mine had her baby pick at a mole so much it bled and she had to have it removed.

2. The grip of death

You know this grip. You feel it when you try to remove a cigarette butt from your baby's tiny grasp. And it can make you bleed. Once, while buckling my baby into his car seat, I was forced to put the keys in my mouth. (My pants didn't have pockets.) As I leaned over him, he reached up and pulled. The car key raked my lip. It has been two years and I still can't clean all of the blood out of the grooves.

Did you know that the government uses the sound of babies crying and sleep deprivation as psychological torture?

3. Their hard heads

Kids have really hard heads. A few weeks ago, I bent down to kiss my daughter and she jumped up and smashed my lip into my teeth. I had to steady myself on the counter to keep from passing out. My daughter looked scared, so I swallowed blood and said, "It's OK, honey, Mommy is fine. Go to bed now."

My husband, not taking the hint, said, "You don't look fine. Is that blood?" It was. He stared in horror as I mouthed, "I'm dying. Get that kid to bed!" Another friend of mine went through something similar only to come out of it with a broken nose.

4. Lack of depth perception

My neighbor tells me she once got a black eye from trying to teach her 5-year-old to swing a bat. I've had bruises on my thighs from princess wands. "I didn't mean to hit you!" My daughter would say over and over after she hit me. She could be trolling me, or it could be that whole depth perception thing. I don't know.

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5. Psychological torture

Did you know that the government uses the sound of babies crying and sleep deprivation as psychological torture? The ATF also used those same techniques during the siege on the Branch Davidians at Waco. Basically, your child emerges from the womb as a trained operative, ready to use his enhanced interrogation techniques to destroy you. That's why you put the socks in the freezer and put the eggs in the Tupperware drawer. You are being tortured by that cute, pudgy little killer.

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