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5 Worst Places to Change a Diaper

When you have kids, there are some things you can get away with not doing, things you can ignore with minor repercussions, such as buying a wipe warmer, feeding your kids only organic food, teaching them baby sign language or making them sleep in their own bed.

But amongst the optional tasks of parenting, changing diapers is not one of them. Nope. Every parent must be on call at all times to change out a soggy soaker, swap out a steamer and brave a blowout. And unfortunately, we aren't always in the most optimal diaper-changing location when it happens.

As much as we'd all like junior to growl one out right next to the Nordstrom women's lounge, the reality is that shit can happen anywhere. And some places are worse than others. Here are 5 of the worst places to have to change a diaper.

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1. The Airplane Bathroom

Anyone that has flown with a baby can agree on this one. The airplane bathroom is gross enough on its own. Strangers queue up, waiting their turn to step into that tiny box and jolt around in squat position while they resolve matters with the beef tortellini from the airplane meal they just devoured, only to emerge from that sticky sliding door face-to-face with another friendly flyer who has been doing calf stretches in the aisle while waiting to empty his bowels.

And then you have to take your stanky-diapered (albeit precious) baby into that lair of germs and balance her on a flimsy pull-down tray set over the urine-splashed toilet while you get jostled back and forth by the turbulence and do all you can to not become "the lady who smells like poop" in 37A.

2. A Restaurant Table

Baby dook doesn't go well with chicken and dumplings.

OK, so right now you're maybe making a grossed-out face and saying, "Who does that?" Well, maybe you don't. And maybe I don't. But some people do. And a woman in Ontario, Canada, recently did. Upon finding out the restaurant's bathroom didn't have a changing table, she figured the top of a dining table was the next best thing. Well, the owner was like, "That's not cool, bro." And she was asked to leave. And then she made international headlines as the woman who changed her baby's poopy diaper on top of a restaurant table, a place where people eat food.

So if you ever thought it may be an option, unless you want to be shamed internationally, please be on notice that a restaurant table is one of the worst places to change your baby. Baby dook doesn't go well with chicken and dumplings.

3. At Your Childless Friend's Home

Of course, most of your friends without kids are totally cool and understanding of your parenting needs. But some of your childless friends don't make it so easy for you. This scenario can suck in one of two ways.

One way would be if your friend, who does not have kids, has not been broken in to the daily realities of parenting. He is so freaked-out by baby pee and baby poo, and sometimes babies in general, that he takes unreasonable precaution to shield his home from any diaper-changing mishap. As such, you may find yourself changing diapers in places far away from any signs of life in the house, they may pull out a garbage bag to lie down under your changing pad, they may hand you rubber gloves, or they may even send you to the garage to handle the nappy biz.

Another way that this can be the worst place? Your friend, who does not have kids, has an "I obviously don't have kids" house. It's decked out in white and glass and all kinds of delicate fabrics. This house is so not-kid-friendly that expensive vases spontaneously combust at the sight of them. Who wants to change a baby in a "dry-clean only" house?

4. On Your Lap in the Car on a Road Trip

The stench rides with you all the way to Vegas.

Road trips are great, aren't they? Until they're not. And that "not" part usually happens when the siblings start the bickering, name-calling and fighting in the back seat. It also happens when the baby of the family decides to drop a deuce in the car on the I-15 somewhere between Baker, California and Primm, Nevada. You can't keep driving through, baby's screaming and diaper rash is nigh.

So the only thing to do is take one of those creepy, Fright Night exits, park in the middle of nowhere, flip on the lights and change your baby's blow out in your lap while you listen to your other children verbally grimace and groan at the site. Not only do you not come out of it poop-free, but having nowhere to throw it when you're in the desert, the stench rides with you all the way to Vegas.

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5. At a Sports Arena

"Having a baby isn't going to keep me from doing the things I love," you say. "I'm still going to go watch the Dodgers when I want. I'll just take the baby with me," you say. Until that baby is oozing poop lava out of her diaper and into your arms and your Go Dodgers foam hand. You have to shimmy past and step over 15 annoyed fans' feet and legs while you temporarily obstruct their view as you struggle to get to the aisle stairs.

Then you fight the crowds of Dodger dog-eating, beer-drinking, blue-wearing people to get to the restroom where you find a line that's longer than a line to get into a Hollywood club. Once you "excuse me, I just have to change my baby" a gazillion times and get to the stall with the changing table, you find it covered in … inconsiderate diaper-changing remnants. "I WILL NEVER BRING MY BABY TO ANOTHER SPORTING EVENT AGAIN!" you say.

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