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When you have kids, there are some things you can get away
with not doing, things you can ignore with minor repercussions, such as buying a wipe
warmer, feeding your kids only organic food, teaching them baby sign language or making them sleep in their own bed.
But amongst the optional tasks of
parenting, changing diapers is not one of them. Nope. Every parent must be on
call at all times to change out a soggy soaker, swap out a steamer and brave a
blowout. And unfortunately, we aren't always in the most optimal diaper-changing location when it happens.
As much as we'd all like junior to growl one
out right next to the Nordstrom women's lounge, the reality is that shit can
happen anywhere. And some places are worse than others. Here are 5 of the worst
places to have to change a diaper.
Anyone that has flown with a baby can agree on this one. The
airplane bathroom is gross enough on its own. Strangers queue up, waiting their
turn to step into that tiny box and jolt around in squat position while they
resolve matters with the beef tortellini from the airplane meal they just
devoured, only to emerge from that sticky sliding door face-to-face with
another friendly flyer who has been doing calf stretches in the aisle while
waiting to empty his bowels.
And then you have to take your stanky-diapered (albeit precious) baby into that lair of germs and balance her on a flimsy pull-down tray set over the urine-splashed toilet while you get jostled back and
forth by the turbulence and do all you can to not become "the lady who
smells like poop" in 37A.
2. A Restaurant Table
Baby dook doesn't go well with chicken and dumplings.
OK, so right now you're maybe making a grossed-out face and
saying, "Who does that?" Well, maybe you don't. And maybe I don't. But some
people do. And a
woman in Ontario, Canada, recently did. Upon finding out the restaurant's
bathroom didn't have a changing table, she figured the top of a dining table
was the next best thing. Well, the owner was like, "That's not cool, bro." And
she was asked to leave. And then she made international headlines as the woman
who changed her baby's poopy diaper on top of a restaurant table, a place where
people eat food.
So if you ever thought it may be an option, unless you want to
be shamed internationally, please be on notice that a restaurant table is one
of the worst places to change your baby. Baby dook doesn't go well with chicken
Of course, most of your friends without kids are totally
cool and understanding of your parenting needs. But some of your childless
friends don't make it so easy for you. This scenario can suck in one of two
One way would be if your friend,
who does not have kids, has not been broken in to the daily realities of
parenting. He is so freaked-out by baby pee and baby poo, and sometimes babies in
general, that he takes unreasonable precaution to shield his home from any
diaper-changing mishap. As such, you may find yourself changing diapers in
places far away from any signs of life in the house, they may pull out a
garbage bag to lie down under your changing pad, they may hand you rubber
gloves, or they may even send you to the garage to handle the nappy biz.
Another way that this can be the worst place? Your friend, who does not have
kids, has an "I obviously don't have kids" house. It's decked out in white and
glass and all kinds of delicate fabrics. This house is so not-kid-friendly that
expensive vases spontaneously combust at the sight of them. Who wants to change
a baby in a "dry-clean only" house?
4. On Your Lap in the Car on a Road Trip
The stench rides with you all the way to Vegas.
Road trips are great, aren't they? Until they're not. And
that "not" part usually happens when the siblings start the bickering, name-calling and fighting in the back seat. It also happens when the baby of the
family decides to drop a deuce in the car on the I-15 somewhere between
Baker, California and Primm, Nevada. You can't keep driving through, baby's
screaming and diaper rash is nigh.
So the only thing to do is take one of those
creepy, Fright Night exits, park in the middle of nowhere, flip on the lights
and change your baby's blow out in your lap while you listen to your other
children verbally grimace and groan at the site. Not only do you not come out
of it poop-free, but having nowhere to throw it when you're in the desert, the stench
rides with you all the way to Vegas.
"Having a baby isn't going to keep me from doing the things
I love," you say. "I'm still going to go watch the Dodgers when I want. I'll
just take the baby with me," you say. Until that baby is oozing poop lava out
of her diaper and into your arms and your Go Dodgers foam hand. You have to
shimmy past and step over 15 annoyed fans' feet and legs while you
temporarily obstruct their view as you struggle to get to the aisle stairs.
Then you fight the crowds of Dodger dog-eating, beer-drinking, blue-wearing
people to get to the restroom where you find a line that's longer than a line
to get into a Hollywood club. Once you "excuse me, I just have to change my
baby" a gazillion times and get to the stall with the changing table, you find
it covered in … inconsiderate diaper-changing remnants. "I WILL NEVER BRING MY
BABY TO ANOTHER SPORTING EVENT AGAIN!" you say.