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4 Jobs Perfect for Babies

Photograph by Instagram

There is a natural tendency for parents to predict their progeny's future professions based on their predilections as babies. We look at a baby being unusually gentle and kind to a neighborhood dog and see a future veterinarian. When our progeny scurry across the room at blinding speed, we see a future track star.

But why hypothesize about our babies' potential future professions when there are so many professions and positions perfect for them today?

Oh sure, those killjoys in the government will cry bloody murder about "child labor laws" and "the illegality of employing children," but we're not going to let that stop us. With that in mind, here are some jobs perfect for the most sadly overlooked segment in the workforce: Babies and toddlers unfairly discriminated against because of their age, child labor laws (boo! Hiss!) and their unfortunate tendency to soil themselves and communicate exclusively through gibberish, screeching and crying.

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1. Gallagher 3

Loathsome, racist watermelon-smashing creep and prop comic Gallagher is notorious for licensing his shtick to his brother, who performed as Gallagher Two before the two had a falling out (Incidentally, calling Gallagher a prop comic is actually a far worse insult than calling him a loathsome, racist creep).

One Gallagher is one too many but somehow two are not quite enough. That is why I'm proposing the creation of a Gallagher 3, to be performed either by a baby or a series of babies, kind of how they'll have baby twins play the same role in a movie to cut down on the workload.

The sight of the real Gallagher is enough to inspire shivers of revulsion among comedy fans, but a baby Gallagher would inspire delight.

And really, a year-old baby could totally handle the demands of being Gallagher. All they'd need to do is suit up in Gallagher's trademark beret and suspenders and make an unholy mess. As the father of a 1-year-old, I can vouch that this comes easy to them. The genius of Gallagher 3 is that it turns a weakness into a strength by transforming an infant's natural inclination toward making a giant mess into a lucrative business. True, many babies communicate by crying, yelling and babbling nonsensically, but their sub-verbal shouting is still infinitely preferable to Gallagher's all-too-comprehensible act.

2. Republican Presidential Candidate

If the nominees are going to act like babies and whine like babies, then why not have them compete with an actual baby?

Oh sure, a baby can't actually become president (stupid election laws) but an 8 month-old baby in a Brooks Brothers' suit would still be a more plausible Commander in Chief than the current roster of Republican wannabes.

Thanks to Donald Trump, the debates are already a freak show, so why not throw an adorable baby into the mix? Many of the candidates' ideas, like building a fence to keep all the bad people out, already feel like they were concocted by babies who do not understand the complexities of international politics, and also soil themselves regularly.

If the nominees are going to act like babies and whine like babies, then why not have them compete with an actual baby? If nothing else, it'd be interesting to see Trump viciously attack an 11-month-old opponent on social media with the same vitriol with which he currently attacks the other, slightly more mature (but really just slightly) candidates.

3. Drummer

Babies have natural rhythm. They're always pounding on things and making an unholy racket, so why not monetize this tendency by putting them behind the drum set for a raucous punk rock group?

Babies and drummers have plenty in common. They're wild, unpredictable, love to make noise and stay up all night, both annoying and entertaining people in the process.

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4. Ruler of the Universe

It is deeply ingrained in the fabric of American culture that anyone can grow up to be President. But I want something more for my baby, and you might, too. I want to teach my son that he can do way better than be a mere President: He can be the benevolent ruler of the universe. And he shouldn't have to grow up to assume the mantle of ultimate power. The world sometimes feels like it's ruled by the whims of a demented baby, so I humbly propose that my little dude is up for the job. Because you're never too young to make a VERY big impression, professionally speaking.

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