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Don’t Ever Tell a New Mom You're Tired & Other Pro Tips for Prince William

Photograph by Getty Images

Just a few days after Royal Baby No. 3 came bouncing into the world, Prince William was already back to his regularly scheduled job as a public servant. Like most new parents, Will was clearly exhausted, which was made abundantly clear when he dozed off in the middle of Westminster Abbey while attending church services for Britain’s version of Thanksgiving services.

It’s safe to say that Will should be cut a bit of slack since he attended the event just two days after his little prince was born, but since the only person in England more exhausted than Will was probably Kate, here’s hoping William had the good sense to never utter the words “I’m tired" to his wife—like my husband did right after we had our second child.

As a public service to Will, my husband and the dads of the world, here are a few pro parent tips for you dads who just may not know:

Don't ever say you're tired. Ever.

No one is discounting that dads are, or could be, tired. But they’re probably not as tired as someone who housed a human in her vagina and breastfed that child day and night. So, dads, if you’re tired, keep it to yourself. You know, unless you love getting major stink-eye.

Instead of calling and asking her what's for dinner, call her and tell her you took care of it.

While trying to keep a baby alive and recover from birth, most moms are also expected to keep running the household. Trust me, the very last thing she wants is to have to make yet another decision. Don’t make her think you’re her kid too by calling to ask what’s for dinner. Just take care of it. End of story.

Don't refer to yourself as "babysitting" your own child.

Babysitters come and go. Dads are 50 percent responsible for their own child. So, guys, if you want to see a woman literally lose her mind, go ahead and refer to the time you spend raising your own children as babysitting. It’s infuriating and implies you get to opt in and out. News flash: YOU DON'T.

Six weeks after giving birth, most new moms are still sitting on an ice pack as big as a surfboard while wearing underpants larger than a flag.

Resist the temptation to mark the six-week postpartum OK-to-have-sex day on the calendar.

Six weeks after giving birth, most new moms are still sitting on an ice pack as big as a surfboard while wearing underpants larger than a flag. That’s because our baby makers are still pretty swollen and sore six weeks after having a human slide through it or having major abdominal surgery. Problem is, most dudes are anxiously awaiting that doctor-approved post-delivery sex date. Yes, your gal will want to have sex again. She just may not want to have it when she’s still waddling around because her lady bits are torn up from creating life. Slow your roll on the six-week romp in the hay. It’s just making her dread the doctor’s OK.

Don't comment on how she looks. I repeat, don't comment on how she looks.

When a lady has just given birth, her body does all sort of weird things like still look pregnant and house weight gain. It’s humbling, humiliating and need not ever be mentioned. When she asks how she looks, you say she looks great. And she does. After all, that still-round tummy made a person.

Her boobs are off-limits. Seriously.

While most new dads see his wife’s newfound “Playboy Tits” as his potential playground, she’s just seen her child eat from them. Being dinner for your child can really mess with your head when your guy also wants to motorboat the diner. As much as you want to deep dive into her temporarily huge boobs, hands off. She’s grappling with how to be sexy and mommy. Sadly, Mommy wins at least for a while. And no, don’t ask for a taste of the breast milk. Just don’t.