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13 Ways Your Baby Will Ruin Your Life

Photograph by Twenty20

There is no doubt about it. Having a baby will completely destroy your life. The person you were before you had kids is still there, but you will absolutely be a changed person. Nothing will ever, ever be the same.

There are many ways a baby will ruin your life. Here are just a few:

1. You may never be able to watch a childbirth on TV ever again. Whether it's a reality show or a sitcom, you will cry like a nutcase, and your family members will think you're a huge weirdo.

2. If you do watch a birth on TV, you may find yourself "pushing," which can be pretty strange for your friends to watch.

3. You may never be able to watch anything that includes a child's death. Because you will also cry like a nutcase.

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4. You may never be able to watch sappy commercials. Again, because of the nutcase thing.

5. Believe it or not, watching sports can make you cry. Or maybe that's just me?

6. In fact, you might as well stop watching everything all the time. Why do I cry so much?

7. Basically, you may just cry. All the time. Hmm. Do I need professional help?

But there is no question that you are a changed person once your little one emerges from your body to begin his own life.

8. You will fly into a rage (either internally or real-life mama bear mode) that you never thought possible if someone wrongs, bullies or hurts your kid. Charges may soon follow.

9. You will experience the purest, most intense form of love known to humans. And while it's exquisite, it can be quite painful, too.

10. You may have to hide your cookies, and candy, and cake. At least until your little one goes to bed. Be a good example, geez!

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11. You will save the last piece of pie for your kid, so you'd better just make two.

12. You may feel like every child is yours. So if you hear a baby squalling at the store, you will have to strongly resist the urge to run over there and nurse her.

13. You will be aware that, someday, there won't be any more children living with you, and while it's hard to believe when you're in the thick of parenting kids, it will happen. And while that thought may be the stuff dreams are made of (money! extra room! eating ice cream at 4 p.m. with no witnesses!), it can actually be pretty heavy duty.

Okay, okay—having a baby doesn't really destroy you and having kids doesn't ruin your life. But there is no question that you are a changed person once your little one emerges from your body to begin his own life. Having a child is joyous, and it's also painful. But we wouldn't change it for anything.

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