When you have a baby, you know that certain things are going to happen—you won't get to sleep as much as you might like, you will be forever changed emotionally, and you will probably get pooped or peed on at some point. However, I'm here to tell you that it doesn't end there.
1. You'll never be able to poop alone again. Okay, so this is an exaggeration, but you will find yourself pooping with an audience for several years to come. In fact, if you're a nursing mom, you may find yourself nursing while you poop. Not ideal, but when your infant is shrieking and you gotta go, you do what you have to do.
2. Sometimes it comes out both ends. While you're expecting to be pooped, peed and barfed on at some point, sometimes it just comes out everywhere all at once. You will likely not be prepared, especially it happens sometimes when your baby is as healthy as can be.
3. You will find odd things in your bra. Again, if you're a nursing mom, your toddler may stash things in your bra. Maybe it's for later, maybe it just looks convenient at the time, but I've found things like Cheerios, small toys and a ketchup packet nestled inside.
4. You will become a master of stealth. Your baby is sleeping soundly in her crib, but you left your purse and phone in her room. You will then move more quietly than you ever thought possible. Ninja Mom achievement unlocked.
5. You will learn to eat with one hand. This is also not ideal, but if it's a choice between holding your infant or hearing him wail, you'll grab that baby and shovel food in your face. This is easier, however, if you have a baby carrier, but you'll still likely have to walk around while shoveling food in your face (this totally counts as exercise, by the way.)
Matilda Jane dress for my toddler? Yes! $60 jeans for me? No way!
6. You will like spending money on your kids. It may get to the point where you'll prefer spending your hard-earned dough on your kids than yourself. Matilda Jane dress for my toddler? Yes! $60 jeans for me? No way! Don't forget to treat yourself, though, no matter how much more fun it is to buy things for your little mini-me.
7. You will become an amazing translator. Your toddler can talk, but it's a little... garbled. But you can understand him. So expect to run constant interference between your child and his grandparents, the doctor and the general public.
8. You will have to do math again. And it may not be the sort of math you learned when you were in elementary school. And it will make you feel pretty stupid. The good news is that there are plenty of resources available for the modern parent, whether you have a smartphone where you can look at YouTube tutorials, or a local library where you can delve into the Internet (or ask for help doing so.)
9. Some days you won't even get dressed. And this will feel perfectly normal. Whether you're in the newborn days of nature-woman-nursing mom, or were up all night with a sick child, it's perfectly acceptable to not don a real piece of clothing during the day.
10. People will think you're goofy, but you love your kid. Every first step, those baby smiles, new adventures, and being the recipient of pure love will make you so happy you became a mama, no matter what.