We picked you from the shelter because you were almost the breed we wanted and you were so sweet, resting your bedraggled head on my foot, your big sad eyes begging us to take you home. You were a male dog and I had my heart set on a girl so I dressed you in pink and changed your gender pronoun because hey, you're a dog and you don't care. Everyone thought I was crazy but oh, the fun we had putting on your little outfits!
Soon after we got you home we realized you were insane and overly aggressive with other dogs. You snarled and tried to attack every dog we met on our walks, especially the big ones. You tried to bite the handyman (although to be fair he did break both of our toilets so maybe you were on to something there) and you pooped in the house on occasion. You ate the blinds trying to see out of the window. You ate the bathroom garbage, you peed on the stereo speakers and one time you threw up on Daddy, right on his chest but we forgave you because you gave us so much unconditional love and brought us so much joy. When I miscarried you were there to make me get out of bed and take you for walks. You were my companion on my darkest days.
When I found out I was pregnant the second time and things were going well with the pregnancy, we decided you needed professional training. Do you remember how terrible you were? Now you're so obedient, just look at yourself!
We wanted to make sure you were ready for baby so we researched ways to prepare you for the new addition to the pack. We played crying baby sounds so you could get used to the noise and we pretended to hold a baby to see how you reacted. You were bewildered, remember this?
I suppose nothing could really have prepared you or us for how things would change when we brought home your baby brother. Daddy brought his little hat home in a bag for you to smell so you would recognize him. When we came home from the hospital you sniffed his tiny body and didn't try to bite him and we were so relieved! We never left you alone with him, just in case , but you seemed to understand that he was just a small, weird, crying part of the pack.
What changed dear Buffy? Did you start to feel neglected? Is that why you ate my nipple cream? I know it was organic and must have smelled good to you but why did you think the baby's butt cream was food? How did you even get the jar open? Don't you know Desitin has zinc in it and that can be toxic for dogs? You threw up so much that day, and it was so hard for me to get you in your travel cage because I had just had a c-section. Taking you and the new baby to the vet would have been impossible if our dear friend hadn't been visiting that day. But you were okay and we were so glad.
Daddy says you used to be our baby, but now you're just the dog and we don't treat you like a person anymore.
I'm sorry our relationship has changed now that we focus so much on the baby. My therapist says it's very common for pet relationships to change once a new baby has arrived and that there is a real sense of loss. I'm sorry we cut your hair short because it was too much work for us to brush you every day. You look like the man you are now.
Daddy says you used to be our baby, but now you're just the dog and we don't treat you like a person anymore. However, you have not been helping the situation. At. All.
You've been so naughty lately, although we are partially to blame. We left the bathroom door open and so you just had to eat that tampon and then the string caused an extreme danger that Daddy had to extricate. I was the reason you got into the pantry, locked yourself in and went apeshit eating everything you could get your little paws on. I'll try to do better, my brain has been so foggy lately and I forget to close doors. But Buffy, what smells so good to you in the baby's diaper pail that you try to rip it open when we are out? Why do you insist on pooping on the rugs? Why can't you do it on the hardwood?
We still love you and we're so glad you love the baby and lick his little mouth and hands which may improve his immune system and lessen his chance of developing asthma or allergies. But you have to stop pooping in the house! We can't take it. You're driving us insane at a time when we are already on the verge of nervous breakdowns. We're not really going to take you back to the pound like we threaten you with every day from time to time. We'll make sure we take you out twice a day and give you extra treats. You're still our only dog and we love you. And things are going to get really wonderful for you when the baby starts eating solids and dropping food everywhere, so just hang in there Buffy, you have a bright future full of crumbs and crackers.