you love how people are utterly offended and horrified by the fact that your
kid is an only child? I mean, what
could possibly be worse than not
having a sibling?
having siblings is always easy. Your brother is never publicly intoxicated and
your sister is completely normal, sane and never yanked your hair like she was
pulling weeds, right? Siblings always
get along, too! I mean everyone knows that!
what sort of demon leaves his or her child to be a lone soul in the world
without a sibling around to kick that kid's ass?
having an only child makes other parents consider us parents of only kids,
slackers. It's like we're all competing in this major parenting Olympics and if
you only have one kid, you're cheating at life and therefore, getting
by way too damn easy.
you're tired of the nonsense and believe that you're not a slacker, but instead amazingly great at making the perfect child in one fell swoop, read on to learn
eight amazing ways to tell people to STFU when they ask you, "Hey, when's kid
number No. 2 coming?"
1. Dating Back to My Ouija Board: NEVER
Tell that nosy inquirer that
after conferring with your Ouija board, the estimated due date for baby number No. 2
is: Not Your Business, 2018.
2. Operation Daycare Funding
When some annoying relative asks when you'll expand your family, tell them whenever he or
she feels like expanding their wallet to cover your daycare bill, you'll go for it.
If the person balks at the idea, just explain that there are tax cuts for stuff
like this and in the worst-case scenario, they could stay at home and watch your kid.
Pigs Can Fly or Dudes Give Birth
When some random mom asks
when baby No. 2 is arriving, tell her when dudes can give birth through their
penises. Add that you already did your fair share with the first kid and you
believe in a partnership that is completely 50/50.
Chances are, she'll never talk to
you again either, so ... score!
4. Food Babies Count, Too
Your mother-in-law can't wait for
you to have another child so she can make your life more hellish than it is
already. When she asks when you're going to give her precious grandchild a
sibling, tell her you're already pregnant … with pizza.
Food babies count, too.
5. Method Acting Goes the Distance
When you run into an old frenemy from high school, the two of you talk kids and she asks when junior is
getting a best friend for life, reminding you how tenderly her and her sister
got along. (In reality, she sabotaged every relationship her kid
sister had from birth.) You choke back tears and explain that there was a second—but your baby was born possessed like Rosemary's baby from the movie of the same name.
This also prevents her from friend
requesting you on Facebook. Life is good!
6. Type-A Diatribe
People ask about a second kid, but
you tell them the truth:
"Why do I need a second kid?
Our first kid is purr-fect! Perfect. Truly, 150 percent perfect!"
You then list every damn good
thing your kid has done since the first ultrasound. You share every sticker and shiny moment. You even glorify the awful moments. You brag
so much, you make yourself nauseated. Of course, no one wants to ask again, but you also run the risk of being hated.
7. Sharing Can Be Caring
Your friends tease you about
having a second kid. I mean, after all, they say your daughter is just so
wonderful. Doesn't she deserve a sibling?
This is when you lay on the guilt.
You ask if your friends wouldn't mind sacrificing one of their kids for you to
adopt. After all, doesn't your kid
deserve a sibling?
Won't your kid be lonely without someone? Couldn't they spare one of their
Someone has to know someone
willing to part with one slightly annoying child.
8. A Lost Bet
When people ask about another
child, be honest.
Tell them you didn't want the
first kid, but that you lost a bet with your spouse and had to agree to get
pregnant for losing the bet. Say it's been such hell being locked up with
the first kid, that the idea of a second makes you want to do severe jail time.