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8 Ways to Shut Down Questions About When Baby No. 2 Is Coming

Photograph by Twenty20

Don't you love how people are utterly offended and horrified by the fact that your kid is an only child? I mean, what could possibly be worse than not having a sibling?

Because having siblings is always easy. Your brother is never publicly intoxicated and your sister is completely normal, sane and never yanked your hair like she was pulling weeds, right? Siblings always get along, too! I mean everyone knows that!

Yeah, what sort of demon leaves his or her child to be a lone soul in the world without a sibling around to kick that kid's ass?

Apparently, having an only child makes other parents consider us parents of only kids, slackers. It's like we're all competing in this major parenting Olympics and if you only have one kid, you're cheating at life and therefore, getting by way too damn easy.

If you're tired of the nonsense and believe that you're not a slacker, but instead amazingly great at making the perfect child in one fell swoop, read on to learn eight amazing ways to tell people to STFU when they ask you, "Hey, when's kid number No. 2 coming?"

1. Dating Back to My Ouija Board: NEVER

Tell that nosy inquirer that after conferring with your Ouija board, the estimated due date for baby number No. 2 is: Not Your Business, 2018.

2. Operation Daycare Funding

When some annoying relative asks when you'll expand your family, tell them whenever he or she feels like expanding their wallet to cover your daycare bill, you'll go for it. If the person balks at the idea, just explain that there are tax cuts for stuff like this and in the worst-case scenario, they could stay at home and watch your kid.

3. When Pigs Can Fly or Dudes Give Birth

When some random mom asks when baby No. 2 is arriving, tell her when dudes can give birth through their penises. Add that you already did your fair share with the first kid and you believe in a partnership that is completely 50/50.

Chances are, she'll never talk to you again either, so ... score!

4. Food Babies Count, Too

Your mother-in-law can't wait for you to have another child so she can make your life more hellish than it is already. When she asks when you're going to give her precious grandchild a sibling, tell her you're already pregnant … with pizza.

Food babies count, too.

5. Method Acting Goes the Distance

When you run into an old frenemy from high school, the two of you talk kids and she asks when junior is getting a best friend for life, reminding you how tenderly her and her sister got along. (In reality, she sabotaged every relationship her kid sister had from birth.) You choke back tears and explain that there was a second—but your baby was born possessed like Rosemary's baby from the movie of the same name.

This also prevents her from friend requesting you on Facebook. Life is good!

6. Type-A Diatribe

People ask about a second kid, but you tell them the truth:

"Why do I need a second kid? Our first kid is purr-fect! Perfect. Truly, 150 percent perfect!"

You then list every damn good thing your kid has done since the first ultrasound. You share every sticker and shiny moment. You even glorify the awful moments. You brag so much, you make yourself nauseated. Of course, no one wants to ask again, but you also run the risk of being hated.

7. Sharing Can Be Caring

Your friends tease you about having a second kid. I mean, after all, they say your daughter is just so wonderful. Doesn't she deserve a sibling?

This is when you lay on the guilt. You ask if your friends wouldn't mind sacrificing one of their kids for you to adopt. After all, doesn't your kid deserve a sibling?

Won't your kid be lonely without someone? Couldn't they spare one of their less-favorite kids?

Someone has to know someone willing to part with one slightly annoying child.

8. A Lost Bet

When people ask about another child, be honest.

Tell them you didn't want the first kid, but that you lost a bet with your spouse and had to agree to get pregnant for losing the bet. Say it's been such hell being locked up with the first kid, that the idea of a second makes you want to do severe jail time.

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