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What a MILF Really Looks Like

Photograph by Getty Images

Pornhub, a porn site containing hundreds of thousand of free videos, recently released their annual year in review post for 2015, containing statistics on search behavior, traffic, and other porn viewing habits. Among the comprehensive data dump was the revelation that "step mom and son" has become an increasingly popular search term, among other forms of mom-related porn.

Of course, we all know (I hope) that the gap between reality and porn-instigated fantasy is a vast one. And that fantasy is often fueled by what seems most taboo.

Still, these statistics give me hope that—despite all evidence to the contrary—I haven't lost my sex appeal. To be a mom is apparently a lust-worthy condition. So what makes me a MILF?

1. The lusciousness of my butt when I bend over to tie up the filled-to-the-brim Diaper Genie bag or scoop out the cat's litter box.

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2. The baggy, flannel pajama pants my MIL bought me that completely de-sexualize me, and the maternity tank top I'm still wearing at night despite having given birth a year and a half ago, both of which are just begging to be ripped off.

3. My scorching hot dance moves when my daughter and I are rocking out to the alphabet song or to the latest CD from her music class.

4. The way I hiss at my husband to "for the love of god keep it down" when we're having a quickie in our bedroom, which is across the hall from the nursery. Because men love dirty talk. Right?

If you're looking for sex appeal, watch me strip down to my cotton bikini briefs and matching bra, and give a prayer of thanks that I stopped wearing those hideous granny panties.

5. The way I play hard to get at bedtime by settling in with a book and then hissing at my husband to "for the love of god let me just have a moment when I can relax and read" when he tries to grope my ass.

6. My not-as-perky-as-they-used-to-be boobs, which plunk down heavily like boulders when I peel off my sports bra after yoga class. My husband enjoys this show. My husband also likes to say "badunk! badunk!" as it's happening. God my husband is the worst.

7. The bewitching scent of Desitin on my fingertips after a diaper change.

8. The nurturing, motherly way in which I pluck dried boogers from my daughter's nostrils or sing soothingly to her about poop.

9. The way I gasp and sigh and moan... when I'm trying to push Em's stroller up a steep hill.

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10. How I look when I sprawl myself out across the bed at the end of the day, all curves and bralessness and a lack of consciousness due to extreme exhaustion.

This—all of this—is the real mommy porn. This, in a world in which the greatest taboo is forgetting to check my daughter's diaper or not heating the milk to her required specifications or letting a bad word or five slip in front of her always-alert ears.

If you're looking for sex appeal, watch me strip down to my cotton bikini briefs and matching bra, and give a prayer of thanks that I stopped wearing those hideous granny panties. This is all you get before I slip into my PJs and cat slippers and slide beneath the sheets.

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