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7 Things You Will Cry About After Giving Birth

Photograph by Twenty20

There's crying and then there's postpartum crying, which produces the most nuanced category of tears a woman might ever experience in her life. The brutality of hormones is not pretty, especially after birth. It's like some has hijacked your body and brain.

Here are 7 kinds of postpartum tears you'll shed like waterfalls.

1. The "Holy Shit, I Still Look Pregnant" Tears

I was lucky. I didn't swell up or gain excessive weight, but thanks to that C-section I ended up with, I was a whale postpartum until I lost all the fluids.

But, holy moly, I thought I was going to kill a man when one asked me when I was due, as I cruised (in other words, hobbled) the labor and delivery wing a day after my daughter's birth. Didn't that SOB know I just gave birth yesterday? The baby was out of me! I sobbed so hard, but it was a good thing. Otherwise, I might have ended up in prison.

2. The "I Just Fell Asleep and Now The Baby Wakes" Tears

You try not to not hover over your infant, watching every single darn breath that kid takes. Everyone yells at you to sleep. You try, but then you starting fretting over every noise, wondering if your baby is still asleep.

Then, once you do shut your eyes, BAM! The baby wakes up.

And you cry a pitiful cry. Hell hath no fury or sadness like a woman who hasn't slept in days.

3. The "Your Partner Shouldn't Speak for at Least Three Months" Tears

It doesn't matter what your partner says. He or she could speak in tongues. Whatever your spouse says is so infuriating and upsetting, you can't even tolerate the way this person breathes. You just cry at the lack of self-awareness your spouse has with all of his or her hurtful words.

Really, your partner doesn't stand a chance. Nothing he or she says will be OK until the evil hormones settle down and you're not a she-devil anymore.

4. The "This Is The Most Meaningful Commercial I've Ever Watched" Tears

Who knew a Target ad could make you so sentimental? I mean, it's been a while since you could visit on your own, but you're not that attached to Target, are you?

Every single song, jingle or phrase that comes out of a TV, laptop or radio is enough to send you crying like you just watched "Steel Magnolias," "The Lion King" and "The Notebook" back to back.

5. The "Everything My Baby Does Is a Friggin' Miracle" Tears

Your baby blinks and suddenly, you've realized the meaning of life! In two seconds!

You cry tears of joy. Tears of fatigue. Tears of wonderment. You can't believe that your baby blinked in such a smart manner. Your kid is a genius. Amen!

6. The "I'm So Tired I Can't Even Remember My Middle Name" Tears

You cry so much because you haven't slept for longer than a Kardashian-Jenner relationship. You miss your pillow. You miss your bed. You miss remembering what your middle name was and having meaningful conversations. When will you stop smelling like formula or stop having leaky boobs?

7. The "How Did My Partner Trick Me Into This Idea?" Tears

For a hot minute, you sit and wonder how someone gave you the job of mother. You wonder how you're suddenly an adult changing poopy diapers. You cry, questioning, "How did my partner make me think this was a good idea?" You think that you don't know what you're doing. At all.

Thankfully, those tears stop, and you start crying about a commercial instead, deciding that motherhood is actually a total joy and blessing!

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