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I Never Would Have Imagined Doing Any of This as a Parent

Photograph by Twenty20

There are some things in life you are CERTAIN you'll never do once you're a parent. I honestly thought I would never have to bribe my child with a treat to behave well. And letting my child watch television before they were 2? Not on your life. Oh, my poor naive self.

Here are 26 things I never in my wildest dreams thought would be part of my parenting story. And yet, every last one of them is.

1. Use the bathroom with someone sitting on my lap.

2. Not shower for multiple days in a row.

3. Share a drink with my child, even though I know with 100 percent certainty that backwash will now be present.

4. Open a treat in the car as slowly and quietly as possible. (All I want to eat is a fun-sized Snickers without anyone questioning me!)

5. Sneak around the house and basically hold my breath when the kids are playing and getting along nicely together.

6. Use all of my ninja, ballerina and athletic skills to sneak out of a sleeping child’s room.

7. Use the inside of my child’s shirt to wipe their nose.

8. Use my bare fingers to wipe my child's nose, then proceed to wipe my fingers on the grass.

(I never thought I'd) eat hard, cold macaroni over the kitchen sink because wasting it seemed inhumane.

9. Feed my child like a mother bird.

10. Eat hard, cold macaroni over the kitchen sink because wasting it seems inhumane.

11. Lay paper towels on a public restroom floor to change a diaper.

12. Fish out a solid No. 2 from a diaper that is on a sleeping baby.

13. Shower while little ones interrupt me to ask that I put clothes on their doll or fix a piece of their Lego set.

14. Use baby wipes for EVERYTHING, including cleaning my car, sponging out a spill on clothes and wiping off my kitchen table.

15. Hide in the closet to take a work call.

16. Ask for something super exciting for Christmas, like a cup holder for my stroller.

17. Use a size 5 diaper on my 2-month-old because we ran out of her size and I don’t have time to go to the store.

18. Be familiar with the feeling of spit-up running down my neck and into my chest region.

19. Fall asleep in the most uncomfortable, unlikely places.

20. Play rock, paper, scissors with my husband to determine who gets to take the car in for an oil change without kids.

21. No longer having any idea what kind of music I like listening to because we are constantly listening to Disney and show tunes.

22. Accidentally leave a stinky diaper in the bottom of my diaper bag and wonder for a day or so why I keep smelling poop.

23. Put myself in timeout.

24. Decide that eating cereal at home is better than dragging a bunch of kids out to a restaurant.

25. Be so hungry that I eat the only snack I have available, which is baby food.

26. No time to give my child a bath, so we do a full-body wipe-down with baby wipes (see also: No. 14) and call it good.

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