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My brother was flying cross country with his newly potty trained daughter. While napping on his lap, she forgot she was wearing undies and unloaded a few gallons of pee all over his jeans--the only pants he'd brought with him. "Congratulations!" I told him, when I was finished laughing. "You're really a dad now."
Every parent I know has at least one epic gross-out story involving kids and their bodily fluids. My newborn once spit up copiously down my front while I was nursing in bed, and my underwear was powerless to stop the tide. "Remember that time the baby threw up on your vagina?" my five-year-old recounts gleefully, every chance she gets. It's kind of like we're the pledges and our kids are the sadistic fraternity brothers, hazing us. But sweeter.
When I started to ask other moms (including colleagues at mom.me) for their gross-out stories, the, um, floodgates really opened. Word to the wise: don't read this while you're eating!
other night, my husband went to wash my 20-month-old's bottom in the tub and he
promptly pooped directly into his hand! Better than into the bathwater, I guess." - Carla Wiking
"When my son was a baby, he peed
in my mouth. That'll teach me to talk to a baby while changing his diaper. And no, I'm still not over it." - Meredith Gordon
"I took my son along to a blogging
conference when he was an infant. He was sitting on my lap and had a blowout
all over my leg. Of course, I packed enough extra clothes for him, but not
enough for me. After changing, I had to go out and buy another pair of pants." - Darcy Zalewski
"The one that always comes to mind for me is when my firstborn projectile vomited breastmilk directly at my face. As a new mom, I had NO IDEA the volume of liquid a baby's stomach can hold, but apparently it's a lot. So I sat there for what seemed like ages, just holding my son in one arm and trying to make my shirt into a bucket with the other. I couldn't put him down anywhere to clean myself up because he was a mess, and I couldn't clean him up because my other hand was holding my shirt-bucket. I just sat in the tub with him, fully clothed, and ran a bath. SO GLAMOROUS." - Robyn Welling
"I had just
changed his diaper and was putting cream on his butt and he pooped right on my
sure it's not the grossest to veteran parents, but I did not enjoy it." - Rebekah Henderson
One time, my son, who was about a year old at the time, threw up and I caught it with my hands. I don't know why or what I was thinking, it was just my gut reaction.
"One time, my son, who was about a year old at the time, threw
up and I caught it with my hands. I don't know why or what I was thinking, it
was just my gut reaction. Needless to say, there was a mess everywhere." - Kristel Acevedo
"My husband was holding my son up in
the air above his head, as dads do. Jack was 4 months or so. I had just
breastfed him. Baby and dad were laughing, mouths wide open, when Jack threw up.
In my husband's mouth. Mmmmm." - Cerentha Harris
"Recently, my child had a stomach virus and didn't make it off the loveseat before vomiting and pooping simultaneously. Wish the bucket had been under the other end." - Vanessa Morgan
"When my daughter was about two weeks old, we took her to the pediatrician for a check-up. When the doctor turned her onto her stomach, poop shot right onto his leg. There wasn't much to say after that." - Dalilah Smith-Santos
"My 6-month old and 18-month-old
threw up all over me while we waited to deplane after an Amsterdam-to-Minnesota
flight. We still had a two hour layover and a connecting flight to face, and of
course I had extra clothes for them but not me." - Tracy Brown Hamilton
"I was potty training my oldest, so I let him wander in his undies, which happened to have wide leg holes. I see the second born crawling on the floor. He has something in his mouth, so I dig it out, and it's a poop ball that had rolled from the wide-legged undie boy. " - Tiffany Waites
"We are at dinner at the house of a family from the soccer team. Don't know these people very well. My six-old-doesn't feel well. She falls sleep. We have dinner and are about to leave. My husband hands the sleeping kid to me while he gets the car so I am sitting on the couch in their very fancy living room waiting for him to get her so I can collect the other kids. About two minutes later, she wakes up and proceeds to vomit and since I don't want it to land on these people's floor or couch, I aim her at me. I was covered from shoulders to knees in vomit. Just a tiny bit got in the couch so I guess that's good?" - Maryam Aflak
"A friend of mine changed her son's diaper after eating a candy bar. A short while later, she noticed something brown under her nail so she bit on it to get it out. It was poop." - Crystal McGuire
Moms who've been there, what's your worst parenting gross-out story?