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13 OMG Gross-out Stories from the Parenting Trenches

Photograph by Twenty20

My brother was flying cross country with his newly potty trained daughter. While napping on his lap, she forgot she was wearing undies and unloaded a few gallons of pee all over his jeans--the only pants he'd brought with him. "Congratulations!" I told him, when I was finished laughing. "You're really a dad now."

Every parent I know has at least one epic gross-out story involving kids and their bodily fluids. My newborn once spit up copiously down my front while I was nursing in bed, and my underwear was powerless to stop the tide. "Remember that time the baby threw up on your vagina?" my five-year-old recounts gleefully, every chance she gets. It's kind of like we're the pledges and our kids are the sadistic fraternity brothers, hazing us. But sweeter.

When I started to ask other moms (including colleagues at mom.me) for their gross-out stories, the, um, floodgates really opened. Word to the wise: don't read this while you're eating!

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"The other night, my husband went to wash my 20-month-old's bottom in the tub and he promptly pooped directly into his hand! Better than into the bathwater, I guess." - Carla Wiking

"When my son was a baby, he peed in my mouth. That'll teach me to talk to a baby while changing his diaper. And no, I'm still not over it." - Meredith Gordon

"I took my son along to a blogging conference when he was an infant. He was sitting on my lap and had a blowout all over my leg. Of course, I packed enough extra clothes for him, but not enough for me. After changing, I had to go out and buy another pair of pants." - Darcy Zalewski

"The one that always comes to mind for me is when my firstborn projectile vomited breastmilk directly at my face. As a new mom, I had NO IDEA the volume of liquid a baby's stomach can hold, but apparently it's a lot. So I sat there for what seemed like ages, just holding my son in one arm and trying to make my shirt into a bucket with the other. I couldn't put him down anywhere to clean myself up because he was a mess, and I couldn't clean him up because my other hand was holding my shirt-bucket. I just sat in the tub with him, fully clothed, and ran a bath. SO GLAMOROUS." - Robyn Welling

"I had just changed his diaper and was putting cream on his butt and he pooped right on my finger. I'm sure it's not the grossest to veteran parents, but I did not enjoy it." - Rebekah Henderson

One time, my son, who was about a year old at the time, threw up and I caught it with my hands. I don't know why or what I was thinking, it was just my gut reaction.

"One time, my son, who was about a year old at the time, threw up and I caught it with my hands. I don't know why or what I was thinking, it was just my gut reaction. Needless to say, there was a mess everywhere." - Kristel Acevedo

"My husband was holding my son up in the air above his head, as dads do. Jack was 4 months or so. I had just breastfed him. Baby and dad were laughing, mouths wide open, when Jack threw up. In my husband's mouth. Mmmmm." - Cerentha Harris

"Recently, my child had a stomach virus and didn't make it off the loveseat before vomiting and pooping simultaneously. Wish the bucket had been under the other end." - Vanessa Morgan

"When my daughter was about two weeks old, we took her to the pediatrician for a check-up. When the doctor turned her onto her stomach, poop shot right onto his leg. There wasn't much to say after that." - Dalilah Smith-Santos

"My 6-month old and 18-month-old threw up all over me while we waited to deplane after an Amsterdam-to-Minnesota flight. We still had a two hour layover and a connecting flight to face, and of course I had extra clothes for them but not me." - Tracy Brown Hamilton

"I was potty training my oldest, so I let him wander in his undies, which happened to have wide leg holes. I see the second born crawling on the floor. He has something in his mouth, so I dig it out, and it's a poop ball that had rolled from the wide-legged undie boy. " - Tiffany Waites

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"We are at dinner at the house of a family from the soccer team. Don't know these people very well. My six-old-doesn't feel well. She falls sleep. We have dinner and are about to leave. My husband hands the sleeping kid to me while he gets the car so I am sitting on the couch in their very fancy living room waiting for him to get her so I can collect the other kids. About two minutes later, she wakes up and proceeds to vomit and since I don't want it to land on these people's floor or couch, I aim her at me. I was covered from shoulders to knees in vomit. Just a tiny bit got in the couch so I guess that's good?" - Maryam Aflak

"A friend of mine changed her son's diaper after eating a candy bar. A short while later, she noticed something brown under her nail so she bit on it to get it out. It was poop." - Crystal McGuire

Moms who've been there, what's your worst parenting gross-out story?

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