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4 Issues That Really Matter to Baby Voters

Photograph by Twenty20

It's that magical time on the Internet where you have to block half your "friends" because they won't stop posting inflammatory political updates that may or may not have any basis in fact.

And even if they are true, do they really require that many capital letters and exclamation points? (No).

Happily, babies do not have Facebook or Twitter accounts and thus are wonderfully laid-back about the 2016 presidential election. But if they WERE to vote, I am fairly sure they would not care very much at all about immigration laws, tax policies, funding for government programs or national security.

No, what babies would look for was a candidate that promised the things that really mattered to them.

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If sleep is so wonderful and important, why aren't THEY going to bed at 7 p.m. too?

Obviously, the first priority would be finding a candidate that gave bedtime rights to babies. Why are parents controlling this? They don't know how much sleep a baby needs and the whole thing reeks of corruption, since it appears that once babies are in bed, parents pull out the grown-up treats and watch endless amounts of television. If sleep is so wonderful and important, why aren't THEY going to bed at 7 p.m. too? Yes, a candidate who would look into this and make necessary changes would be warmly welcomed by the baby contingent.

Also, these babies are really looking for a candidate that will be tough on vegetable eating. There is no need for those daily spoonfuls of pureed peas (would YOU eat those?). Cut back on the veggies and bring on the fruit snacks, and you'll have those baby voters in your pocket.

Oh, and the government really needs to fund unlimited readings of "Goodnight Moon." The taxpayers now might not be demanding it, but the future taxpayers are definitely going to once they learn to speak. Cut back in other places if you need to, but put the money here, whatever it takes. For some reason, reading the book over and over again drives Mom mad. And she thinks I don't see her skipping pages here and there, but I do. I see everything.

Finally, it's time to be an all-pajamas all-day nation. Why are we stuffing chunky little thighs into miniature jeans? A zip-front footie set of pajamas is perfectly acceptable for any occasion. Take this one all the way to the Supreme Court if it comes down to that. But absolutely no more tiny bowties and giant hairbows for bald babies. And no baby has ever had an actual need for a tutu.

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A fringe benefit of baby voters is that spending on campaigns would drop dramatically. You could buy these votes with a paper cup of off-brand raisins.

(Babies might also have something to say about the inauguration being held outdoors in the dead of winter).

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