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8 Things I Don't Want to Hear Right After I Freaking Had a Baby

Photograph by Twenty20

No. The answer is no. My baby does not sleep through the night. I mean, really, is that even a serious question? Or did you just hear once upon a time that somewhere, some baby was born sleeping through the night?

Forgive me if I sound a tad harsh. It's just, really? I had a baby a few weeks ago so my filter has disappeared alongside my dreams of consistent sleep. These days, the only thing I want to hear is "I bought you coffee. Now, let me hold your baby and watch the big kids, because you won the lottery and get to shower alone."

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I know most everyone is well-intentioned. I know folks are just curious and trying to make conversation while avoiding the fact that I look painfully disheveled. But for one moment, please pause, and think through what you're about to say. Stop asking if my baby sleeps through the night and tread lightly when these other questions come to mind.

"Are those maternity or regular pants?"

Who cares? You? Trust me, friend, it's time to find something better to worry about. Plus, I just grew a human so my pant size doesn't matter one lick.

"Do you think you'll have another?"

Baby or coffee? Ohhhhh, you're asking about my womb?!? It's a harmless enough question, I suppose, but ANOTHER child is the furthest thing from my mind. My hands and heart are mega full right now. And if, per chance, there is another human down the road, I would need the current infant to start sleeping through the night, sooooooo, about that.

No matter what you fill the blank in with, the answer is probably no.

"Don't you just love it?"

You mean, my life? Why, yes, of course I love it. It's everything I dreamed of. Seriously, I always wanted to be a mama to a bunch of crazy kiddos. But it's also the hardest thing I've ever done. Someone needs me 24/7. As in 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, never ever, ever, ever stopping. It's exhausting. And I need help. And I smell like sweat and old milk. Pretty please don't make me feel guilty for being down and dirty in love versus happy-go-lucky in love. Just smile at me and buy me a present, m'kay?

"Are you planning to ______________?"

No matter what you fill the blank in with, the answer is probably no. The only thing I'm planning during my fourth trimester is keep my kids alive and have low to medium (versus extreme) meltdowns. #thankyoupostpartumhormones

RELATED: 5 Reasons You Can't Blame Sleep Deprivation On the Baby

"Have you thought about volunteering at ______________?"

Yes, someone truly asked me this. I wanted to retort, "Um … I practically volunteered to be tribute via the birth process recently, so, no, I'm still recovering from that."

"Did your doctor clear you for regular activity?"

Whether you're circumventing asking me about my sex life or curious about my exercise habits, I'll confess that I prefer to sleep when my head hits the pillow and the only weights I carry are the wiggly 17 pounds of my chubby 3-month-old.

"What's for dinner?"

Wait, there's no meal train tonight? Well, let's just say that tonight's meal is coming care of Life Skills 101: Foraging. Enjoy those cheese sticks, crackers and applesauce pouches, everyone!

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