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10 Things That Will Make You Murderous After Having a Baby

Photograph by Savoy Pictures/Photofest

Everyone knows pregnant ladies be trippin' with their wild hormones and crazy cravings. They have a reputation of either puking everywhere or eating everything. But the time period after Junior jumps out can be a time of increased hormonal insanity and vengeful rage for new mamas. There are now things that may set you off and fill you with a strange new anger that probably wouldn't have bothered you pre-baby. Look out for the following triggers and remember: this, too, shall pass.

I hope.

1. Your spouse/partner. The love of your life, the person you chose to share all of your hopes and dreams with, the beautiful human you look forward to growing old with, also, the biggest idiot you have ever chosen to procreate with. WHY do they keep asking you stupid questions like, "Should I change the baby?" "Do you think he's hungry?" "Why won't he stop crying?" Knives should be kept far away in case he/she says, "I'm so tired."

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2. When someone in your house eats anything you wanted. It doesn't matter what it is, apple, ice cream, chia flaxseed bread. If that food is not in the fridge when you have your new mother hunger, heads will roll.

3. Lack of appropriate maternity leave. Whatever you do, don't read about awesome maternity/paternity leave in other countries or the new amazing policies at companies you don't work for. You will become incensed.

4. Crazy drivers. There is no road rage like that of a lioness with her cub tucked into his car seat. Get ready to scream, "I have a f%*#ing baby on board you dumb muth%&# fu*%@!" Double the fire if you are walking with your baby in a stroller and someone blows through a red light or stop sign. You will shock yourself with your own profanity.

5. Your beloved dog. You used to love to dress up the dog in little outfits and cuddle her. Now you're seriously considering sending her back to the shelter especially if she starts pooping in the house. When she gets into the chocolate on Halloween, you might think, oh good, one less thing for me to take care of.

Everyone around you needs to seek cover, because you will blow your top when you can't scroll through Facebook or catch up on "The Walking Dead"...

6. Stupid baby clothes that aren't easy to put on. What dumb f%&* thought it was a good idea to give you a bunch of outfits that go over your newborn's head? That thing is wobbly as hell. You need zip-up footed onesies.

7. People who act like having a baby is no big deal. Friends without kids who are like, "Oh just bring your baby to brunch." They don't understand that you don't want to bring your giant diaper bag and your breast pump for mimosas and have to leave in the middle because your baby crapped through all of their clothes. And yours.

8. Sickeningly sweet baby oriented status updates. Like, oh I treasure these late night feedings! Or, my angel sleeps through the night since week one! It's all worth it for this sweet little darling! You might feel like you're the only one not loving the drudgery and sleepless nights of motherhood but you're not alone.

RELATED: Dear Friends With Kids, I'm Sorry I Thought You Were Full of It

9. People telling you to "Enjoy every minute." There are many minutes you will not enjoy, most of them involve screaming, spit-up, urine and feces. All in your face.

10. When the On Demand on cable won't play or your Internet goes out. Everyone around you needs to seek cover, because you will blow your top when you can't scroll through Facebook or catch up on "The Walking Dead" (which you now resemble.)

All jokes aside, please remember that while hormonal rage and exhaustion are quite common after having a baby, extreme irritability can be a sign of postpartum depression. Don't be afraid to contact your doctor if you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions since giving birth. It's so important to take care of ourselves in order to best care for our children.

And remember, no matter how mad you get, you can't take care of your baby if you are on death row for murder, so breathe deeply and relax. The rage will pass... as long as that chocolate is still secure in its hiding place.

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