When I look back on my first week as a father, all I can do
is shake my head. I made SO MANY mistakes. So many things came out of my mouth during
that first week that, literally, still make me blush with embarrassment. Years
later, now that I'm reasonably comfortable as a parent, I can finally look back
on that week and laugh ... sort of.
So, in the interest of making sure that I never forget how
far I've come, here are the 20 dumbest things I did during my first official
week as a dad:
20. In retrospect, it was probably not a great idea to keep
staring at the machines in the delivery room, watching the numbers rise and
fall, and loudly telling my wife, "OH WOW, you just had a contraction. A BIG
19. I am really, really happy that I insisted on
staying in the hospital with my wife and new baby for the full three days they
were admitted. I am not happy that I only threw one extra T-shirt for myself into
my wife's overnight bag and looked (and smelled) like a greasy drifter the
18. I should not have hate-stared at every member of the
medical team as they went into the operating room for my wife's unplanned C-section.
If I'd done more research, I might've known it was standard procedure to not
allow the partner into the OR for the first few minutes while the patient is
prepped. Instead, I stood outside the room and pouted like a brat at the people
who were literally about to hold the lives of my entire family in their hands.
(They let me in five minutes later.)
17. I undressed completely, aside from boxers and socks,
when they gave me the surgical scrubs to wear in the OR. I thought that was how
it was done.
But, the SECOND the C-section was over, a mean nurse wanted the
scrubs back, and I had to run away from my new family and search for my real clothes
for 10 panicked minutes.
16. I sent out pictures of my wife, post-surgery, holding
our daughter without showing her the pictures first.
That was … wow, rookie mistake.
15. I purchased the pictures from the "official" hospital
They remain the WORST pictures that have EVER been taken of my
very photogenic daughter.
14. I assumed that I knew how my wife wanted our daughter's
name to be spelled.
Because, it turns out, we had TOTALLY different ideas on
the subject, and that was a very awkward conversation for the poor hospital
administrator holding the birth certificate forms to witness.
13. I didn't have anyone check on our car in the parking
lot while we were admitted.
And it was November in Michigan. As a result, the
car stalled five times on our drive home and, in case you didn't know, driving
home with a new baby for the first time is the stress equivalent of driving a
truck full of nitro through the speed bump zone of "The Hurt Locker."