Have you found yourself missing your single and/or child-free friends since you expelled a tiny human from your vagina? Do you think longingly of those freewheeling times you spent together, hanging out at your local bar and talking about something other than boogers and poop? Have you turned down a few too many invitations to hang lately? Are you worried that it might actually be impossible to maintain your friendship because you're exhausted and your freedom has been severely curtailed and for the love of God you just want to talk to someone who understands?
It's true. Your friendship may never return to what it once was. Your lifestyle has been significantly altered and nothing in your life could possibly be described as freewheeling.
But if you and your friends are willing to acknowledge the depth of these changes to your life, and then allow your friendship to change with it, the friendship can survive! All you have to do is sit down, discuss the expectations you have for each other as friends in the midst of this changing landscape, and then sign the Friendship Agreement below:
I'm so pleased you're willing to continue this friendship in spite of the extra appendage now attached to my body, hereinafter referred to as CHILD.
Scope of Work
It is helpful at the outset to set forth our mutual understanding of the terms and conditions of our friendship.
Once this contract has been signed, I promise to:
* Engage in in-person socializing, sans CHILD, at least once every two months.
* Refrain from showing you my latest collection of CHILD photos, unless specifically requested.
* Only speak about nursing /diapers/poop/pee/booger bulbs/teething /mommy and me activities/CHILD's adorableness/OTHER CHILD-SPECIFIC TOPICS for a period of time not exceeding 10 minutes, at which point I will engage in conversation about anything else.
* Stay connected via extended email conversations, Facebook messages, Twitter @-replies, Snapchat selfies, and other forms of virtual communication in the periods between in-person contact, so as not to reach a point wherein I no longer know anything about your life.
In turn, you promise to:
* Subject yourself to the occasional catch-up session at my home so that I don't have to worry about finding a babysitter or packing a giant diaper bag or scheduling our time together around CHILD'S nap. Don't worry, it will be pleasant! We can order in pizza and drink lots of booze!
* Occasionally ask to see a recent photo of CHILD, at which point you can acknowledge that CHILD is, in fact, superior to all other babies.
* Ask me about anything other than CHILD, so I can pretend I still have an identity beyond that of just "mother."
* Pretend I don't look haggard and used up.
* Convince me that things such as Snapchat are necessary.
Conditions to Our Performance of Services
In order for me to fulfill these expectations of a healthy friendship for you in an effective and efficient manner, you agree to alert me if we ever get to a point where I am totally slacking. I will do likewise.
If you want to increase or decrease the scope of the expectations described above, or want to request additional expectations, I require that any such changes be mutually agreed to in writing and attached to this agreement as an addendum.
This agreement will continue for the rest of eternity, unless terminated earlier by either party by written or verbal notice.
Notwithstanding the previous paragraph, if you intentionally or repeatedly do not abide by these terms, and the situation is not resolved within 10 days of receiving written notification from me, I reserve the right to end the friendship immediately.
This agreement shall only be amended upon the written approval of both parties. This agreement constitutes the entire agreement between you and me with respect to our friendship. This agreement supersedes any previous agreements between us.
It is a pleasure to have the opportunity to remain friends with you.
If you are in agreement with the terms of our engagement, please sign in the space provided below.