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11 Things I'm Doing The Second I Finally Wean Baby From the Boob

Photograph by Amy Wruble

I've been pregnant, trying to get pregnant or nursing for most of the past six years. So rather than owning and occupying my own body, I've been renting it out to some rather unruly but very adorable tenants. At 15 months old, Baby #2 is still on the lease, nursing on demand with great enthusiasm, but I'm making plans for her eventual eviction. It's not that I don't love breastfeeding—I do. It's just that I also really like vodka.

Here's what I'm gonna do as soon as I get that last baby weaned:

1. Wear a turtleneck. Or anything else in my closet that restricts access to my breasts. I'm sick of my neckline-limited wardrobe. Even my husband is tired of seeing my cleavage!

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2. And all the jewelry. As every breastfeeding mama knows, dangly earrings and necklaces are just convenient baby toys and all the yanking and breakage ain't worth it. When I get my body back, I'm decorating it.

3. Smell fabulous. It always seemed rude to spray perfume right where the baby is trying to breathe, so I've mostly smelled of breastmilk, which is not something you ever see marketed by Chanel.

Congratulations, honey, I'm planning to let you touch them again.

4. Go out at night. I've been turning down dinners, movies and jobs that conflicted with baby bedtime, because only the owner of the magic boobs can get that kid down. Once we've weaned, it's the babysitter's problem.

5. Sleep in 'til whenever. If I don't have to wake up to nurse, I don't have to wake up, period.

6. Go to second base with my husband. Congratulations, honey, I'm planning to let you touch them again.

7. Give away all the stuff. Even though I don't need to pump anymore, I've been afraid to ditch my Medela and all its accoutrements JUST IN CASE. But truly, I'd like to get it the hell out of my house. Unlike packing up tiny onesies and board books, I will not shed a tear for that sadistic machine and its creepy chanting (I was certain mine repeated "pray for you, pray for you.")

8. Go jogging As a teenager, I longed for bigger breasts. Now that I've experienced major league yabbos while nursing, I know the truth—they kind of get in the way! Like, if I tried to do jumping jacks without a heavy duty sports bra, I could give myself a black eye.

9. Worry less. I'm convinced that breastfeeding hormones keep me in a heightened state of maternal anxiety. I probably spend more time panicking about everything that can go wrong than actually parenting. Here's hoping that once I wean, I can finally CTFD.

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10. Get wasted - It's not that I've been stone cold sober while nursing, but I do limit my alcohol intake out of consideration for the underaged baby. Just once I'd like to get loaded and then do #4 and #5. Maybe even #6! Exciting times ahead.

11. Put Daddy in charge - My husband is a wonderful father, but he's at a disadvantage when I'm nursing. Baby gets scared, falls down, feels fussy and I'm the one with all the answers, because they're under my shirt. Once the playing field is leveled, it will be awesome to see his bond with our baby grow even deeper. Or at least, awesome to hear about it, since I'll be taking a nap.

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