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50 Reasons Your Baby's Crying, Maybe

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Photograph by Twenty20

1. Teething

2. Growth spurt

3. Can’t vote

4. Pining for the fjords

5. Can’t walk, blames you

6. Just an asshole

7. Retroactively upset about the "Lost" finale

8. Too hot

9. Too cold

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10. Paste! The whole time the necklace was made of PASTE!

11. Time slipping through her fingers too quickly

12. Wants a pacifier

13. Remembered on this day in a past life she lost a pocket watch

14. Overtired

15 .Had a premonition of a future where insects are our main protein source

16. Standardized testing

17. Clowns

18. Gas

19. One of those baby illnesses that worries you to death for three days then goes away on its own

20. Bored

21. Resemblance between crib and a jail cell suddenly occurred to her

22. No matter how hard she tries, can’t eat toes

23. Mobile getting too predictable, JUST SAW THAT STAR DAMMIT

24. Wants a new lullaby

25. .Can’t get tickets to Hamilton

26. Separation anxiety

27. Batman villains are cooler than Batman himself

28. Global warming

29. Everything is a goddamn remake

30. Joni Mitchell will never be acknowledged for her genius

31. Tag on sleep sack is itchy

32. Needs a diaper change

33. Needs a witness

34. Needs somebody to lean on

35. Wants daddy

36. Re-asserting rightful position as center of the universe

37. Can’t get comfortable

38. Plans for world domination thwarted by inability to read

39. Impatient to have a birthday

40. Thinks she’s singing Puccini right now

41. Ear infection

42. Fuller House

43. Wants a dog

44. Sleeves. Sleeves are the worst.

45. Exercising her vocal cords

46. Knows what you did last summer

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47. Wants wheels instead of these useless legs

48. Trying to make you feel guilty, succeeding

49. Knows this night will ultimately be smooshed into a giant brain-pudding of newborn memories and all you’ll remember are the smiling moments in the photos, not the frustration of waiting for a wailing child to finally close her eyes

50. Pooped

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