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17 Things To Expect When You Become a New Mom

Photograph by Twenty20

Nothing you can do can really prepare you for motherhood. You can read as many books and talk to as many experienced moms as you want, but when that baby arrives, you will hear Ygritte’s voice echo in your head: “You know nothing, New Mom.” Here are just some of the things you can expect when you become a mother:

1. Your friends may stop talking to you. I totally get why this happens. I was guilty of it too. They think that you're underwater with a newborn and don’t want to bother you.

2. In reality, you are going to crave that interaction. After all, you may be down in the weeds with a newborn, but really, all they do is eat, sleep and poop and there's a lot of downtime you could be texting your friends. Or begging them for a visit.

3. But you probably won’t put yourself out there to get that interaction. Because you will be hormonal and think they don’t like you anymore.

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4. Speaking of hormonal, you may have expected to cry at all sorts of weird things after you have a baby. Maybe you even joked about it with your friends. But when that ASPCA commercial comes on during maternity leave and you instantly burst into gut-wrenching sobs…yeah. Hormones.

5. You are going to put your husband on the back burner. For awhile at least. In fact, you may be surprised to find yourself forgetting you even have a husband in all this. The baby will become your sole focus.

6. When you’re finally cleared for sex by the doctor, you may imagine yourself grabbing his tie in your fist and shouting, “Are you effing kidding me?”

7. And then your husband will want to have sex with you and you will feel personally offended. Does he even understand what came out of your vagina six weeks ago?

8. You will be amazed at how many ridiculous things you Google about the baby at 2 A.M.. Everything from, “Is it normal for a baby to poop ten times a day?” to “Has anyone ever died from sleep deprivation?” (Yes, it is, and no, no one ever has.)

9. You will get over your revulsion of puke quickly. Same with being sprayed with liquid poop.

10. You’re going to feel like you’re dressing an octopus during clothing changes. How is it possible for a baby to squirm so much? (You should probably Google that.)

The reality is, you are going to doubt yourself as a parent. Every single day.

11. You will be surprised at how quickly the day passes in those first few weeks. You will spend hours on the couch nursing or holding the baby while they sleep, but somehow dinner will come around and you still haven’t brushed your teeth.

12. You may actually forget to brush your teeth on more than one occasion. (It’s OK if you do.)

13. Same with showering. Unless you’re a mom who has it all together. In that case, tell me your secret.

14. You will feel shockingly overprotective of your baby and may want to snarl like a mama bear when someone picks your baby up. (It’s OK if you do.)

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15. Alternatively, you may be so eager to pass the baby off to someone so you can shower that it could send you into a tailspin of guilt. (It’s OK if you do.)

16. Speaking of guilt, people will inevitably make you feel like you are failing as a parent. You will have a difficult time sticking to your own decisions about what is best for your child.

17. The reality is, you are going to doubt yourself as a parent. Every single day. But what you may not see, is that we all feel this way. And in time you will realize that we are all just doing the best we can.

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