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19 Totally Useless Things All Moms Learn from Google

Photograph by Twenty20

Google is the devil.

It will make you paranoid about everything, and question your own gut as a parent. I’m a firm believer that a mother’s intuition trumps anything else. So stop reading so much and stop Googling everything, because sure, it can be your friend, but if used too much, it can also be your own worst enemy.

I get it, everything is new when you're a new parent, and you want to look everything up to make sure you aren't alone. I'm guilty of it myself. But I've discovered that you can find anything you're looking for in the internet world, and it's important to take everything with a grain of salt. Because, if you let it, Google will tell you all sorts of nonsense like...

RELATED: 10 Hilarious Parenting Google Autocompletes

1. Any ailment you have means that you are dying. Seriously, if your arm hurts you are most likely dying of some bone disease. If your right eye is twitching? Yep, you guessed it: Death. You really can’t win with any “Dr. Google” prescriptions, so the best thing to do is actually see your real doctor. Shocking, I know.

2. Whatever you have thought about doing or will ever do for your child is wrong. Google probably should be used very sparingly as a means of obtaining parenting advice. Anything you are looking for will be there, on both ends of the spectrum. Tread cautiously.

3. You are a bad parent.

4. You are a good parent.

5. Your child is way behind in his developmental milestones.

6. Don’t worry if your child is way behind in his developmental milestones.

7. If your child is behind in his developmental milestones, you should worry.

8. Everything causes cancer. Everything. So just never leave your house again.

9. You should only be feeding your child organic whole foods. And if you ever get fast food or Cheetos, you are feeding your children poison!

You should only have wooden toys. Plastic ones are the devil’s handiwork.

10. Let your baby cry it out. It’s the only way he will ever sleep through the night.

11. If you let your baby cry it out, you will scar him for life. How dare you?!

12. You installed your car seat wrong.

13. Your child needs to be in a car seat until she is 13 years old.

RELATED: 17 Things I've Googled as a New Mom

14. You have too many toys. Your child should only play outside and with his imagination. Toys get in the way.

15. You should only have wooden toys. Plastic ones are the devil’s handiwork.

16. Your kids watch too much TV.

17. Some TV every day is okay. As long as it is educational.

18. Everything is a choking hazard.

19. Stop Googling.

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